School Starts, and My Life Begins Again

It's the end of September and school is back in session. This is my very favorite time of year. It feels great to have a purpose again; to be working for something other money. School means a lot of things for me. It is when i discipline myself into a routine that suits the lifestyle I aspire to lead.  I'm not sure why that has to fall apart every summer, but it does. I get back into the habit of eating healthy, moving around, reading the paper, etc. Basically it's about being back in the sophisticated "loop" if you will. To add to image, I got some new glasses today. Now I look smart, feel smart, and am doing smart things. I feel like this is the real reason I have been so unhappy these past couple weeks. I just wasn't feeling good about myself anymore.

Of course there is always trouble in paradise for this girl. She definitely never leads a perfect life. I lost my debit card again. Which is always a nightmare. It gives me an excuse to use my credit card, but I never end up paying it back like I planned. Hence $2500 in credit card debit. Could be worse I guess.

There is also a household conflict on my mind. I live with my sister, which I love. Love Love Love. Jackie and I are so much a like, but different in all the right ways. We have been getting along great. Then there's Megan, Jackie's friend from high school. A third girl roommate. I knew this was trouble from the start, but since Jackie is afraid of confrontation nothing was ever done about it. Girls just don't work well in threes. We need allies to scheme with and bitch to. Megan has no one on her side, and  I feel bad for her. It's not like we are bad roommates. I keep the house exceedingly clean, and I have all of my own groceries, and I always try to be courteous and kind. But she is definitely angry for some reason. I feel like she set herself up for failure in our house. Trust is huge. It's an important part of any relationship with another person. Some people say I am overly trusting, but honestly I would rather give people a chance than assume everyone's out to screw me over. I want to believe that people are good. It hasn't failed me yet. This is not the case with our sad 3rd roommate. She put a key lock on her door day one, and that is where she stays. Locked in her like a teenager pouting at dinner. It's sad because we could be such a happy family if she just let go of her anger. Instead she sends angry texts and tweets and never directly addresses the problem. Jackie is the same way...I don't know how they didn't scratch each other's eyes out last year when they lived with 2 other girls. Luckily for the house I wont let that happen. I can't go on like this, it's like living with a stranger. I'm gonna say something to Megan, and I want her to just let it all out. Scream at the top of her lungs, cuss me out, punch a hole in the wall. Anything to relieve the pent up hate she harbors. Then we can begin to heal, and fix the problems. That is the only way conflict is ever solved. I'm just fortunate enough to have learned to swallow my pride and skip the brooding phase of being angry. It feels bad to carry the weight of hate around.

Other than Megan's rage, the house is nice. Beautiful, with a homey, happy decor..if I do say so myself (I decorated of course). We have a pretty communal living situation actually. Megan, Jackie, and I all have significant others, some more serious than others. Mike, Megan's boyfriend is our half 4th roommate. He is there Thursday- Sunday. Then Katelyn is our other half 4th roommate staying with me in my room Sunday-Tuesday. Then Mark, Jackie's beau is there a few nights a week. And Dominic..not there as much because I am sharing a room but he still has a tooth brush and a happy presence in the house as well. I don't mind having all of these people around. They're all great. We haven't had an issue with keeping things clean, or stuff being broken/misplaced. Maybe this is just me trusting everyone again, but as long as these people do me no wrong, they add to the excitement of living on campus. Considering all of these positive aspects of the house, I have faith in the eventual success of our Summit Street Dwelling, and can't wait to enjoy spending time with my communal family. 

Just to touch on some of the other turmoil I've been dealing with, my OVI got dropped to a Physical Control. Which is at least a 0 point offense on my license. I have to do a weekend drug and alcohol program, but I'm staying positive about that one. Hoping to learn a few things. After that it's just minimum fines and a 6 month license suspension (with privileges, and it already started even though I have my license until December). I get sentenced 3 days before I leave for Germany, and the first day of exam week. More than anything this has been an intolerable expense, and a great learning experience. My first goal is to move to a city where I can always walk home, and roll my car off a cliff.

Still dealing with apartment bullshit, which has been my biggest pain in the ass these days. I just don't want to worry about it anymore. My friends are being helpful for the most part. Steve came down and got all of his stuff out. Now it's just Lance and Justin, mostly Justin, but that was anticipated. Some kids never grow up, and that's okay, but at least learn to walk without someone holding your hand. Then I will know you can make it. After that I am going to have a knew policy for handling things of this nature. I will never again be solely response for anything that involves paying me money. It is not an issue of trust, it's just an inconvenience and a liability and I'm not doing it again.

And now that I have spend an hour writing this blog instead of doing the school work that i was SO EXCITED to do..because it's fall again..and I love school. Yay. I need to stop. The darker it gets the less productive I become. End.

HELP ME!

My plate consists of:

1. starting school, but having to drop half of my classes to pay for
2. My physical control charge, which I got on Labor Day weekend because I was speeding after I left the bar (and I only consumed a beer and a half). This is costing me $3,500 of money I don't have and a lot of time. I have to a drug intervention program, where I stay in a hotel for a weekend. I have to pay a $400 fine plus court costs, and I have to pay my lawyer $500 a month.
3. I also moved into my campus house recently. This place costs more than my last, and is never clean/ I haven't really been able to enjoy it because I don't have time to.
4. My last apartment was supposed to be taken care of my friends, but because NO ONE has their act together, no one is living there but I still have to take care of rent, internet, and electric. For 2 more months because I didn't give 60 days notice of leaving. My father is going to try to take care of it for me, but there is stuff in there from 3 different people that aren't around. Sorry guys, but get it out or it's gonna get pitched.
5. I am treasurer/fundraiser of Students for Recycling. We have a huge event coming up but I haven't been in contact with anyone because I broke my second phone in one month. my Crackberry non-the-less.
6. No one is helping because no one can help me. It is all my problem and my live feels dismal. This is quite possibly the hardest time in my life. I have no money, no time, no words of wisdom. Friends, do not think your support goes unappreciated. It helps to talk about things, but the problems don't go away, and they are all my own. No one can really relate.

I just don't understand how I got myself into this situation. I am constantly trying to be a good person. To do the right thing. And help anyone out who needs it. I'm sure this is all happening for a reason. A good one. I just hope I was meant to survive this turmoil, not be broken from it. This is my true test of spirit. And I don't know if I am overcoming the challenge. I feel defeated.  

My Bad Luck

This was my homework for my lawyer. It's nice, they gave me a chance to state my cases and defend my character. Now who will see it, and why should they care is not my concern at the moment. It just feels good to get it all out.

My Account of September 2/3 2011

                Friday night I went to the bar with a couple friends around 10pm. I had just left my parents house where I was looking for my car keys. Since I couldn’t find them I took my sister’s car.  She drives a much newer Pontiac G6. It drives a lot smoother than my Ford, which proved to be a contributing factor to my downfall later that evening. My friend Justin and I went to Murphy Mcflips’, a local bar off of Polaris Parkway that we frequent. I had a 20 oz Killian’s when I got there. That lasted me about an hour and half. I got another one around 11:30. At 11:45pm a friend from work called and asked if I could open for her in the morning at Bob Evans (open requires being there at 5:45am) . Since I hadn’t had a lot to drink I agreed. At this point I gave away the rest of my beer, about half of the glass and left. I gave a friend a ride home. He lives about 5 minutes from the bar, off of Crosswoods Blvd. Then I headed back to my boyfriend’s house to stay the night. He lives in Springburne Apartments, also about 5 minutes from the bar, off of Lazelle Rd. At this point I really had to go to the bathroom. I must have been thinking more about that than how fast I was going because the next thing I know I see flashing lights in my rear view mirror. I pulled into Springburne and parked the car. I rolled down the window and the officer approached my car. He asked for license, registration, and proof of insurance. I handed him my licenses and my sister’s registration. I told the officer that it was my sister’s car, and that I did not have my proof of insurance on me. He told me that he pulled me over for going 56 in a 45 mph zone, and that I swerved. He did not go back to the police car to run my license. He asked where I was coming from and if I had been drinking. In a panic I said my parent’s house, and that I had had 1 beer half an hour ago. He asked me to step out of the car and leave my keys on the seat. I did as he asked. I was given a few field sobriety tests, which I took thinking I would have no problem passing them. Apparently I was wrong. I did the pen test with no problem. Then he asked me to walk the line taking 9 steps, counting 1-1000, 2-1000, etc. I told him I was really nervous, and proceeded to take the test, but I left out the 1000 part. I said it in my head and counted out loud slowly. After that he asked me to raise my foot 6 inches off the ground and count as high as I could. He had said earlier that I could take off my sandals, but I didn’t until this last test. I made it to 20 before he stopped me. When I was finished he said he wanted me to do one more test and pulled out a portable breathalyzer. I said that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to do that test and asked if I could call my dad. He allowed me to do so, but being 1am at this point, my dad didn’t answer. At this point the officer was done giving me chances to take the test and put me under arrest for speeding and OVI. He sat me in the cop car and read me my rights. Another officer was called to the scene. She patted me down and put me in handcuffs. He told me the penalty for refusing the official breathalyzer was 1 year suspension versus 90 days if I took it. So I agreed to go to the station. Once we got there I really couldn’t hold it anymore, and asked to go to the bathroom. The officer said I would have to wait 20 more minutes to take the test if I did that. I insisted that I had to use the bathroom immediately. After that I was taken to a room to wait. It was freezing, and I was shivering and scared. Given time to think about my situation I decided that it would be in my best interest not to take the test even though I did not believe my BAC was over the legal limit. I informed the officer of my decision. He said ok, I signed the ticket, and he took me back to my boyfriend’s apartment. He wanted to walk me to the door, but I asked him not to, and he stood back and watched me walk to the door.  

About Me

                I am 21 years old and the oldest of 4 children. I am about to start my 4^th year at Ohio State University where I am working on my Bachelors in Business Finance with a minor in Globalization Studies. I am also studying German, as I will be taking a trip there in December. When I am not in class I am working on projects for my organization, Students for Recycling. I am the Treasure of this organization. We plan events and do educational presentations on the importance of recycling, especially on our campus. I also work 2 jobs to pay for my school and living expenses. I am a server at Bob Evans in Lewis Center. I have worked there for 5 years, and it was my first job. I also serve at The Cheesecake Factory at the Polaris Mall. I have been there for almost 2 years. I am interested in food, where it comes from and importance of eating healthy, natural food over processed food products. I hope to incorporate this passion into my future career. I am currently in search of an internship that incorporates my love for the environment and the value I place on natural eating. I would like to help educate people on these topics because I think it would help with the nation’s energy crisis, as well as the obesity and other health problems plaguing Americans. Lastly, if I end up having some free time at the end of the day I like to read books. I prefer the classics, including books by Jane Austen and Oscar Wilde.

What I Have Learned

                This whole experience has been rather traumatic for me. I have never been pulled over before, and my first incident I end up arrested and facing OVI charges. Facing these charges and consequences could affect my future career.  Not only do I now have a record, the expense of this incident is going to go well beyond anything I can afford. I don’t have parents with money that can get me out of this one. I have to pay for everything myself. With the lawyer fees, court costs, fines, and the program I am going to have to take I might have to drop out of school for the quarter just to cover these costs. That upsets me more than anything. School is very important to me. It is something I have been looking forward to all summer, and it breaks my heart to think I might have to wait another three months to go back. So what have I learned? The consequences of driving after drinking greatly outweigh any benefits. And there really are no benefits to drinking when you know you have to drive home. I have made the decision to not drink at all if I know I will have to be behind a wheel.  Not even one drink is worth what it could cost if I were to get pulled over again. And even though in my case this time I did not have a lot to drink, and my offense was not to a serious one, it could be a different case the next time. If I don’t change my habits now, there could be a next time. And that is not something I can bear to go through again. So I see this experience as a blessing in disguise.  I have always been someone who has to make mistakes to learn from them. This mistake has taught me a valuable lesson. I am working to improve my driving and always be conscious of the speed I am going. And I am choosing not to drink if I know I will be driving, or find a ride if I want to drink. I am confident that having learned to change my behavior nothing like this will happen again.

Feel Better Please

I am generally a happy person. Positive attitude, healthy smile. But when life gets me down I tend to dwell on it. So I end up stuck in a sad place and I hate what it does to me mind and body. I have this bad habit where anytime something bad happens or I hit a wave of depression, I start adding up everything that is going wrong in my head. It's like I have this guest list of problems and they're all invited to Emily's Pity Party. Usually I tough it out. Get drunk or high and forget about them. By the time the next day rolls around I am in my happy mood again and my list of problems goes out the window. Sounds great, but it's not. They always catch up with me sooner or later. So I want to list out everything that is bothering me. This way I can remember, and work on each one. Maybe this will work for me. Maybe I have thought of a healthy way of dealing with life's little heartaches that doesn't involve getting trashed and wondering the streets (or wherever) in a drunken stupor. Other I will probably just sob uncontrollably during Steve's visit and I've been looking forward to this for too long to let it go down like that. So here it is..

1. Finances. I work 2 jobs, but I support myself, I got to Ohio state and pay for 1/3 of that (plus books and coffee), I got a little travel happy this year, not to mention my drinking problem, etc. I don't think I am going to have enough money for this year. What if I actually can't come up with the money?

2. Time cards. I have many friends, and I love them all. Each one brings something to my life that I treasure. But with the 2 jobs and everything mentioned above there just isn't enough time in the world to hang out with them all. Because they don't all get along. I have an eclectic circle of friends. One just got of surgery to remove cancer. I haven't even called him.  Then there's my Not-Boyfriend who takes neglect pretty well. I attribute that to the fact that he's not my boy friend. But I still miss him, and wish I could keep him in my pocket so he was around anytime I needed a special friend or a good lay. Lastly, sadly, me. I don't have anytime for me. Zero. And that was actually something I was supposed to be working on. Getting enjoyment out of being alone. How can I give everyone what they want, and why should I be upset about so many people wanting to hang out with me?

3. Friend Problems. And speaking of friends. One of mine is doing coke again. And bringing down several of my other friends with him. This friend just had a heart attack age 22. What do I do? Can I do anything? Probably not. But I can't just sit back and watch them do it. I think coke is a terrible, ugly, shady, awful drug. Do I abandon those friends that support a habit that I have such a problem with?

4..... well.. I honestly don't feel like going on. This is just depressing.

I hammered the big ones out. And I do feel a little better. Now my favorite person in the whole world is on his way to my house. I am going to buck up and have a good time. And if I do cry, hopefully they are just tears of joy. I had more to say but please refer to problem number to if you want to know what I can't continue. The phone is buzzing off the hook next to me and I lost my train of thought.

Holden Beach Health Spa

My little family beach vacation has done wonders for me and it's only been a day. There are so many benefits to taking a vacation that we should probably be prescribed two get-aways per year. The beach in particular is psychological recharge plus the added benefit of being at nature's best health spa. I'm getting plenty of Vitamin D from all the sun exposure. My skin is silky smooth from being pelted by sand in the waves. And my finger and toe nail have never been so polished. I've managed to maintain a steady diet of fruits and vegetables. Plus I've been running on the beach, and walking everywhere else. The beach, hands down the most rewarding vacation one can take. People have been doing it for hundreds of years. The English used to actually be prescribed by their doctor's to spend weeks in Bath, a small vacation spot where the sick could rest and recover on the coast.  They believed it was something in the salty air. I'm going to return home with a new appreciation for living that will get me through the daily grind with a brighter smile.

Figuring out the Why?

I have this friend. We are a bit more than friends, but ultimately I value his friendship first an foremost. He is smart and funny and thoughtful. I enjoy the time we spend together. But sometimes we don't get along. We bicker. And it's frustrating. And I can't figure out why we can be happy together one minute, to me wanting to throw him out of the car the next. It has been happening more now than in the beginning when we were first getting to know each other. The only explanation I can come up with is that I'm getting scared. Because I don't know where this relationship is going. I am happy recognizing us as simply "existing". But the fact of the matter is we have become quite close. Label or no label we have hit a new point in our relationship. I left my last one because I didn't want to worry about another person's happiness. I want to worry about my own. And I want to be sure that the choices I make are ones leading me toward accomplishing my goals. So this new closeness is getting to my subconscious. She's worried that I am getting wrapped up in something that will detract me from path to success. And I challenge it. I'm looking for faults where there are none. Serious ones at least. We are both pretty bullheaded. We both have strong opinions and when they clash we get defensive. I don't want to battle my friend. I don't like to fight. Really he makes me happy. That is what I should be focusing on. I feel pretty fortunate to have found someone that prefers the truth. So that at least when he angers me he can see it, and he calls me out on it. I'm the kind of person that has to have everything out in the open. When all cards are on the table its easier to figure out the next best move. And if it's something hard to hear, at least getting over it comes faster.
I wanted to write this out so I could piece my thoughts into an explanation. Now that I think I have it figured out, I think I know what I need to do. Stop worrying about someone trying to get close to you. You need someone that will be there for you. Even if you are Miss Independent. Everyone needs a friend sometimes. So problems are just too big to shoulder by yourself, so let this person who is willing to listen and wants to help be apart of your life. And stop worrying about where it is going because that really doesn't matter. You can turn and run, but you've already been that direction. Life's too short to waist time walking backwards. Everything will fall into place. It always does.

Live day by day, and do what makes you happy.

Finished!

I am done with my fast. A bit early, but I by the end of day 8 I felt I had accomplished my goal of proving that I could fast for 10 days, and I felt the healthiest I have been in years. I lost a total of 12 lbs, had tons of energy, and a new appreciation for food. I realize now the importance of food as a life sustaining necessity to our daily lives. Food gives us the energy to get through the day. It is the fuel that our body uses to move, think, process. Having this new perspective has really opened my eyes to the importance of putting the right foods into my body.

It really comes back to the proverb "you are what you eat". So given the choice between a slice of pizza and a garden salad, what is going to benefit you the most? The slice of pizza has zero living qualities about it. It is heavy, full of sugar and fat, and what few vegetables that might be on there have had all the nutrients cooked out of it. The salad is fresh, uncooked, green and crisp. The fact that is still has water in it makes it healthier, and still having the properties of a living thing. The bright colors of the vegetables scream "I am full of nutrients" that your body can actually use to drive your body. It makes sense, a person, living entity, needs food to give it energy. So what is going to give you the most energy? Food that also once needed energy to live. And the closer that food is to living, the more energy giving nutrients it is going to have! Yay, what an epiphany I have had.

I am not, by any means, saying that you cannot indulge. A good portion of eating is enjoyment. Eating is social, fun, exciting. One of the things I missed, and the reason I ended my fast, is the social aspect of sharing a meal. Breaking bread if you will. The idea has been around for centuries. If the Bible is your thing, that is the perfect example. Meal time is sacred, a time when you can gather in a circle. It is a time of sharing (sharing life giving food). Oh, how I missed dining with my family. Plus, in our highly evolved society, we have created 1000's of ways to prepare food. Our pallets have definitely expand since the time when our internal organs where developing. We are born with the ability to register five tastes, but humans have created a way of combining these tastes into amazing, flavorful gourmet dishes. And they aren't always the healthiest. Because fat and sweets have the ability of sticking with you longer (stored as fat for later use). Something our ancestors really needed because in their time these things were scarce. Our brains developed a particular fondness for these tastes because humans needed to be attracted to them. The key here is scarcity. Once in awhile. Today the fatty, sweet foods are found EVERYWHERE. In fact, they have become a primary part of our diet. On the flip side, our internal organs have not changed that much from the original design of the first homo sapiens. We have bodies adapted for eating lots of plant matter and the occasional fatty piece of meat,  but our diet today contains mostly fat, with a little bit of vegetables. And all of the excess energy we consume gets stored... as fat. And so is born the obesity epidemic taking the world by storm.

What can be done? Educate people. They need to understand what food is really for. It has a greater purpose than giving us pleasure. The happiness you get from a tasty indulgence is short lived. The energy you are supposed to be getting from this food is what determines what the rest of your day will be like. So start your day off right with healthy fruit or even a salad, and you will see the difference it makes. Maybe then it will be easier to pass up that slice of pizza for lunch.    

To conclude my assessment of my fasting experiment. It is the best thing I have ever done for myself. I hope to do it again soon. I would like to make it habit because I think it is important. It has changed how I plan to live my life. A have not figured out what approach I will take to my diet, but I know it will be full of raw fruits and vegetables. I do have big plans full of great success, and I am going to need a diet that drives my body to accomplish that.