Finding Work

I am at an exciting point in my life. It has also been one of the most difficult. I am graduating from college in December with my Undergraduate Degree in Business Finance and a minor in Globalization Studies. It has been a long road traveled, and of course the journey doesn't end after I am handed my diploma.

The next step would seem obvious. Find a job. But is isn't that simple, at least in my case. I am not one of those fortunate people who have known since grade school what they want to be when they grow up. No, in my case options are endless. And in light of that I have been applying for every and any job that comes my way. My only requirements are that I make enough money that I can live by myself (totally over the roommate thing), that this job is located elsewhere in the world, and that I am continuing to learn new things. Oh, and I prefer not to sell insurance, but that's just me. Because I am open to almost any new experience with these small criteria, I have had a great amount of success at finding employers who are interested in me. I have interviewed with Aldi, Chase, Kimberly-Clark Corp., Freddie Mac, American Airlines, ArcelorMittal, the list goes on. I am no where near finished, but I can picture the finish line, and it is beautiful. I would say that I am about halfway. I am knee deep in interviews.

I look back a few months to when I first started this race. Interviewing was a frightening thought. I have had 2 long-term jobs for most of my working life and my interview experience was limited. But just like skydiving, it was something I had to do, and there was no turning around. Fast forward to today, and the interview process has become less of a fear and more of a habit. I have 2 outfits, a dress suit and a pants suit. I use my glasses to make me looker smarter when I think it will help. I have my little binder where a scribble some generic questions that make look and sound interested and intelligent. I think it is working because I have moved onto the next round of interviews with several of the companies I am pursing. The tricky part is know what they're going to ask, and how to answer each question so that I get across what my strengths are. It is these challenges I hope to address in this writing. I want to organize my thoughts as to what I think I can bring to any company. So here it goes...

To tell you a little about myself, I was born and raised in the Columbus, Ohio. I chose Ohio State University because my parents are alumni, it has a competitive business program, and it was an affordable choice. I put myself through school by working two jobs. I worked as a server at Bob Evans for six years and I am currently working as a server at The Cheesecake Factory, where I have been for three years. On top of working 2 jobs and going to school full-time, I was an executive member of Students for Recycling. I held the position of Vice President and Treasurer. Needless to say my schedule was tight. I learned valuable organizational and time management skills.

Through my coursework at Ohio State I gained an understanding of all areas of business, something I highly value. I had surprisingly extensive coursework in Accounting, to where I feel quite profit in that area. Finance has always been my favorite. I enjoy solving numerical problems where the solution has meaning to me. I like being able to look at an income statement or a balance sheet and understand what they say about a company. A balance sheet can tell you a lot about what kind of business the company is in, and where improvements can be made in the business strategy to get more efficiency and profit.

My Globalization Studies minor really helped my understand the global playing field when it comes to the business world. I learned about exchange rates and how they affect profits, especially for companies with global operations. I have a good understanding of how the advanced economies are able to be successful and why the less advanced economies struggle to compete. I also enjoyed learning how business practices and the way business transactions are handled differs from country to country. I am confident that taking this extra time to study globalization will benefit me in any career I pursue considering many companies operate on a global scale, and this trend is only increasing as technology and transportation improve.

What do I bring to this company? A willingness to learn and adapt quickly. I am eager to start applying what I learned in the class room to a real world setting. I am a diligent worker, who takes pride in being successful and being an asset to the company I am apart of.  I am reliable. I am always at work on time, if not early. I don't believe in missing work because I know it means that others have to pick up my slack. When given an assignment I strive to produce work above what is expected of me. I take responsibility for my actions. If I make a mistake I don't let it ruin my day or my moral. Nothing good can come from sulking. I just try to learn from it and make sure that same mistake doesn't happen again. One of my best attributes is my ability to communicate well. As a leader, it has always been my experience that communication is the key. Effective communication enables everyone working for a common goal to improve on his or her part by getting other peoples' perspectives.  In group discussion or case work that was usually my role, the facilitator of discussion. There has to be someone that keeps the ball rolling, that keeps a flow of ideas and questions working to solve the problem quicker. As a leader I think it is important to make decisions, but also be able to listen to what others around you are saying because they probably have ideas and experiences you never thought of. I enjoy working with people. Whether it be customers or coworkers, I am very comfortable talking and listening to the people I work with. I am a hard worker who is willing to learn an improve on any project that is given to me.

My biggest weakness is my inability to know when I am "in over my head", so to speak. I am the oldest of four kids in my family. At an early age I learned to be independent, and figure things out for myself. Although this has been beneficial in most cases, sometimes I take it too far. I don't get help when help would be useful. Instead I take it a step too far and end up overwhelmed. This hasn't happened often, but when I am taking on a new responsibility it has been an issue. 

Skydiving

My First Skydive

                I will never forget the uneasy feeling that occupied my stomach as that small plane as it climbed to altitude. That was the only time where I had any doubts in my ability to make the jump.  When it came time to exit the plane I knew that there was only one way down, and it wasn’t riding in an airplane. 

                I chose to take skydiving because it is my last semester at Ohio State, and I wanted to go out with a bang. In 4 years I have never taken a class that was just for fun. Skydiving met the qualifications for the perfect graduating semester fun class.  It was a unique opportunity, it was something I could scratch off my bucket-list, and it was something that could teach me valuable lessons. Of course, all of these great thoughts were formulated before learning we were AFF jumping, and it would not be tandem.  Though this came as surprise, there was no turning back.  By the end of the class training and training at the site I felt prepared to make the leap.

                When it was my turn to suit up the nerves kicked in, and I started to really think about what I was about to do.  None of those feelings mattered much because I was determined not to fail.  My instructors, two well qualified and handsome gentlemen, were crucial for keeping me focused on the goal.  Then it was time to board the plane. The ride up was the hardest part.  It was not the heights that bothered me.  It was knowing that I would be responsible for making it to the ground again in one piece.  Next thing I know, I am watching the rest of the passengers on the plane exit and fall into the sky.  And finally was the moment I had been waiting for over a year.  The actual leap out was a relief. I made it out of the plane and was in free-fall  The entire time I am doing my checks, trying to stabilize my arms and legs, and smile for the camera I am thinking “why did I think this was a good idea?!”  It was cold and I couldn’t keep my mouth closed because of the wind rushing against my body.  My arms and legs seemed like a lost cause.  They didn’t stay in any position I was trying to put them in.  I looked at my altimeter at 5,000 ft and thought “Crap, it’s past time”.  I pulled my shoot and shot into the air.  I looked up to see a perfectly inflated parachute and breathed a sigh of relief.  And there I was, 4,000 ft in the air, just floating around.  It seems like a serene picture, but my heart was racing as I recovered from sensation of free-fall and adjusted to the feeling of floating high above the ground.  I remember noticing how quiet it is up there.  When it came time to land, I was ready to be on the ground.  Apparently that was the dominating mentality in my brain because I tuned out to my instructor’s instructions and ended in a rough landing.  My first thought upon reaching the ground was “I did it.”

                The whole experience was a lot to take in. My body had never felt pressure like that before and my brain did not know what to make of the purposeful placement into danger.  My reaction initially was that the experience was not what I had imagined, and I did not like it.  But after about 20 minutes I changed my mind.  I felt great. I was full of adrenaline and excitement. It was like brain was unable to process the whole experience right away, but after some time to recover it was an awesome rush.  I told my mom that day that I would be back to do my 25 jumps and get licensed as a skydiver.  Now it has been a few weeks since my life defying leap.  It is hard to remember exactly how I felt in the air, but the feelings about skydiving I formulated upon landing still stand. 

My reflection on skydiving is based on what I learned.  I learned that I am a risk taker. I knew that before I signed up for the class, but I was able to reinforce that this is a true characteristic of my personality.  I learned that once you set your mind to do something, nothing can stop you from achieving that goal.  If you are determined, and it is important to you that you succeed, the chance of failure of slim to none.  I learned that preparation wont ensure that you do everything perfect, but it will ensure that you can succeed well enough.  I have used these lessons in my day to day life.  I have brought this experience up in several interviews.  I use it to drive the point I am serious and I am successful, and employers are always impressed.  I would recommend this experience to anyone who thinks they have the power to achieve anything they believe is possible.   

I Need It

I need a car. I have been living without one for 2 months. I need to know that I am in the place I am because I choose to be there. I don't like being left behind. I don't like being dependent on people. I don't like feeling like every choice I make is based on others, and not purely what I want. Because I am a firm believer in "do what makes you happy", and if I am deciding what do based on other people then I am not doing what makes me happy, I am focused on we. I need we, I love we, but we will mean more to me when I know I have satisfied me first. Try to understand. You are no different.  The car, though material and seemingly insignificant, means I can come and go as I please. And I need to feel like I control that.  As usual, this experience has taught me something about myself. I need to be independent. 

Jotting Some Thoughts

I wish I could write poetry. I wish the English language wasn't losing value to text abbrev iations and social network status's. I wish I could express these feelings. I wish I could see the future, and see that all of my worrying is for nothing. I wish someone would tell me what to do next. I am worried.

I want to grow up, but I don't want to leave my old friends behind. I want to be successful, but I don't know how. I want to have an amazing job, but I don't know what my talent is. I want to a good girlfriend, but I don't know how. I am worried.

What is going to happen? Will I accomplish all of the things I want? Will I ever figure out what my place is in this world? Will I ever grow up? Is it possible not to worry about what will happen next? How do I know what is forever? Is there a forever?

I want to disappear. And reappear, as someone no one recognizes. And I will be happy. Because I accomplished what I set out to achieve.

Having Oscar

About a week ago, I adopted a new responsibility into my life. Don't ask me why. You would think two jobs, full-time school, and a boyfriend would be enough, but I like to see how this I can stretch myself before I crash and burn...No that is not true. I just wanted something to love, that loves me back unconditionally. Never in a million years did I think I would get some kind of value out of raising a puppy, but having a puppy is strikingly like having a baby.

I cannot believe the comparisons I can make between my little dotson mutt and a new born baby. The first night we brought him home he was so scared. He cried until I put him in bed with me. In the morning we tried to go outside, didn't quite make it, but accidents happen. And he is so small the outside is terrifying to him. Every morning he has to get used to it all over again. At first I had to feed him warm dog food. He wouldn't eat by himself, but now I think he's got it down. He cries all night. I am currently cage training him. It is difficult, but you just have to let them cry, or some I am told. Even though all I want to do is put him in bed with me. Along with crying he gets up in the middle of the night to play! I do not play at 3am pup. He is always ready to go in the morning. The rest of his day are continuous cycles of sleeping, playing, peeing, and sleeping. The best part about Oscar is that he always wants to be held. He doesn't sleep on the floor, or the couch, or the cage. If he wants to go to sleep he crawls up my legs like a baby lifting his arms, and says "hold me" with his little cries. As I pick him up, he curls up in my arms and falls right to sleep. This has made homework a challenge this week, but I don't really mind because he loves me and I love that he loves me. 

Behavior of Oscar is not the only part of this experience that makes me feel like I just had a baby. The interaction with people has changed. I feel like I don't get any attention anymore, it's all about my puppy. They love him when he sleeps or plays, but I am called when he cries and needs to be taken outside. I have to ask people to "babysit" him because if you don't watch over him carefully he will reek havoc. When people talk about him I find myself getting really defensive. And I am constantly trying to protect him. When friends come over they rave about the new puppy, and hold him, and tell me how cute he is.

I find myself relating to friends who also have pets on a whole new level. One of my best friends just got a puppy a few weeks ago. I have asked him tons of questions about bath time, how long they cry, what playing is like, etc. Oscar met another friend of mine's big puppy, and they played together despite the size and age difference. Us moms just sat back and laughed, trying to gauge how well they were actually getting along. It is nice talking to people who are going through the same things I am and have advice to give. I am a new parent after all.    

I think the most perplexing part of this whole thing is how my relationship with my boyfriend has changed. He doesn't want any responsibility. He makes it very clear that this is my dog. He helps take care of Oscar though. And I think of it as a partnership. If I am mom, then Dominic is definitely dad. We both worry about what the puppy is doing, who should take him out, and who's turn it is to hold him or calm him down if he is crying. We don't have time to ourselves anymore. It's always about Oscar. Even when we are by ourselves we talk about the dog. And we spend so much time thinking about Oscar that we don't think about each other. We haven't had sex once since we got him. I hate it actually. I'm not ready to have this adult kind of relationship where mom and dad's purpose in life changes to adapt a child. The priorities are all wrong, and I don't see them changing as long as we have this puppy. It's changed how I feel about him as a boyfriend. It just feels all too real, too fast, too soon...

Needless to say, having a puppy has made a bigger change in my life than I ever anticipated. I am still shocked at how much this reminds me of having a baby. But I'm happy to know I can give this baby away without compromising any of my morals. I have not changed my life forever by adding a dog, only temporarily. And now I understand more than ever why I do not have a child yet, and why I do not want one for a very long time. Because once you have a baby, there is no going back. Your life changes meaning, you have a new purpose, forever.

My birth control is in the form of an adorable puppy named Oscar.

Until the Next Breakdown

It's kinda funny to observe myself. Right now is a time of despair. I have no money. My bills are going to collections. I cannot even afford school anymore, my one and only hope to eventually pull myself out of this rut. So that one day I can get a good job making good money, and look back at this time as a "character building experience". You wouldn't know it if you were to run into me on the street. I put up a nice front. The only people that really know how much I am struggling right now are my parents and my boyfriend. I don't like to talk about it. No one cares. No one can help me. And when I do talk about it, I build up some kind of hope in my mind that someone will help me.

No one is going to help me. I am not special. There are people much worse off.

So I carry this burden with me. Knowing I am drowning, but keeping up a facade that everything is fine. I am the same smart, independent, strong-willed person I have always been. I go out, I make people food, I smile. But something will push me over the edge. To the point where I can't take it anymore. That is where I am found myself this morning.

I had an exam today. Thank goodness I was able to concentrate on that. Not the case in my other classes. I am incapable of hearing a lesson when my mind is brimming with worries. I tried working out. It felt great for that 1 hour that I was at the gym. But as soon as I left my head is filled with remorse once again. It would be okay if I could just talk to someone about it. But I have the image to maintain. I don't need people yawning at my problems thinking in their heads "would you like some whine with that cheese?" or that I am some kind of killjoy.

The only thing left to do is sob. Silent tears so no one can hear. It is the only way to get it out. It doesn't solve the problem, but at least I feel better. This is where I stopped to take a look at myself. Sitting alone at my kitchen table, eating cottage cheese in my workout clothes, crying like a baby. The only thought running through my head, "I'll just go. Leave everything behind. They can sell my stuff and pay off what debt they can, but by the time they realize nothing is there, I will have disappeared. Where I go doesn't really matter, just to be lost would be enough." But this scene cannot go on too long, and before long I snap out of it. My only real option is to keep going...

And I will. I always do. I will go take a shower, do my hair, go to class. Figure out how to survive another week. No one has to know about my silly little woes. And I just enjoy the false satisfaction of my own illusion, that everything is okay.