It's kinda funny to observe myself. Right now is a time of despair. I have no money. My bills are going to collections. I cannot even afford school anymore, my one and only hope to eventually pull myself out of this rut. So that one day I can get a good job making good money, and look back at this time as a "character building experience". You wouldn't know it if you were to run into me on the street. I put up a nice front. The only people that really know how much I am struggling right now are my parents and my boyfriend. I don't like to talk about it. No one cares. No one can help me. And when I do talk about it, I build up some kind of hope in my mind that someone will help me.
No one is going to help me. I am not special. There are people much worse off.
So I carry this burden with me. Knowing I am drowning, but keeping up a facade that everything is fine. I am the same smart, independent, strong-willed person I have always been. I go out, I make people food, I smile. But something will push me over the edge. To the point where I can't take it anymore. That is where I am found myself this morning.
I had an exam today. Thank goodness I was able to concentrate on that. Not the case in my other classes. I am incapable of hearing a lesson when my mind is brimming with worries. I tried working out. It felt great for that 1 hour that I was at the gym. But as soon as I left my head is filled with remorse once again. It would be okay if I could just talk to someone about it. But I have the image to maintain. I don't need people yawning at my problems thinking in their heads "would you like some whine with that cheese?" or that I am some kind of killjoy.
The only thing left to do is sob. Silent tears so no one can hear. It is the only way to get it out. It doesn't solve the problem, but at least I feel better. This is where I stopped to take a look at myself. Sitting alone at my kitchen table, eating cottage cheese in my workout clothes, crying like a baby. The only thought running through my head, "I'll just go. Leave everything behind. They can sell my stuff and pay off what debt they can, but by the time they realize nothing is there, I will have disappeared. Where I go doesn't really matter, just to be lost would be enough." But this scene cannot go on too long, and before long I snap out of it. My only real option is to keep going...
And I will. I always do. I will go take a shower, do my hair, go to class. Figure out how to survive another week. No one has to know about my silly little woes. And I just enjoy the false satisfaction of my own illusion, that everything is okay.
No one is going to help me. I am not special. There are people much worse off.
So I carry this burden with me. Knowing I am drowning, but keeping up a facade that everything is fine. I am the same smart, independent, strong-willed person I have always been. I go out, I make people food, I smile. But something will push me over the edge. To the point where I can't take it anymore. That is where I am found myself this morning.
I had an exam today. Thank goodness I was able to concentrate on that. Not the case in my other classes. I am incapable of hearing a lesson when my mind is brimming with worries. I tried working out. It felt great for that 1 hour that I was at the gym. But as soon as I left my head is filled with remorse once again. It would be okay if I could just talk to someone about it. But I have the image to maintain. I don't need people yawning at my problems thinking in their heads "would you like some whine with that cheese?" or that I am some kind of killjoy.
The only thing left to do is sob. Silent tears so no one can hear. It is the only way to get it out. It doesn't solve the problem, but at least I feel better. This is where I stopped to take a look at myself. Sitting alone at my kitchen table, eating cottage cheese in my workout clothes, crying like a baby. The only thought running through my head, "I'll just go. Leave everything behind. They can sell my stuff and pay off what debt they can, but by the time they realize nothing is there, I will have disappeared. Where I go doesn't really matter, just to be lost would be enough." But this scene cannot go on too long, and before long I snap out of it. My only real option is to keep going...
And I will. I always do. I will go take a shower, do my hair, go to class. Figure out how to survive another week. No one has to know about my silly little woes. And I just enjoy the false satisfaction of my own illusion, that everything is okay.
