Baby Steps

I want to write more. I love to write, it is my favorite method of self expression, and I think in a rough and raw kind of way, I am pretty good at it. There are only a couple of obstacles standing in my way.

1. I have this odd need to write with pen and paper. I will scribble in notebooks, on scratch paper, and on sticky notes all day. But when comes down to typing on a keyboard, writing suddenly becomes a chore. I guess I feel like I loose the artistic aspect of it because my thoughts and my creativity on not being directly translated through my fingers. I feel like something is lost when my penmanship is not there to accompany the idea. And let's face it, I have a desk job. Typing on a keyboard is a requirement for 8 hours out of every workday in my life. I do not associate typing with creativity in the least bit. But typing is a big part of the modern age and the only way I am going to be able to share my writing with others, so it is time to rethink what computer writing means to me and figure out a way to make it more pleasant and relaxing. Maybe if I changed the font according to my tone, that could do the trick. A theory I look forward to testing.

2. My thoughts tend to run away as I'm writing. And by the time that I've realized what has happened, they are lost. I try to retrace my steps, but the trail of jumbled sentences and half explored paths is too hard to follow. That's when I give up. It is easier to scrap that piece than try to turn it into the well thought out story I set out to create. In addition to getting lost in my writing, I also don't allow myself the right amount of time to complete it. I spend an hour writing in circles, then realize  I've used all my writing free time to make an indecipherable mess instead of a master piece. Since I never feel like coming back to an old thought, I never finish what I was working on. Writing is great, but if I really want to be good at it and get some kind of point across, I need to put a little bit more effort into planning it. With a good plan in place, it will be easier to trace my steps back to the original idea I sat down to communicate. And I can actually reach the end of a passage with time to spare, or edit!

So there it is, the challenges I need to overcome to accomplish my goal of writing more often and with purpose and in a place where others can see. This was my first attempt. A small sample of organized thought, typed on a computer without any complaints. I think I did well and I hope this piece serves as a reminder of what I can do, if I put my mind to it.

New Life Resolutions

Here I sit, in my little hotel room, contemplating the new experiences I am adding to my life. And although I value each and every new addition, never once did I think I would end up where I am today. Using the phrase "end up" isn't really being fair. I am simply sitting at a crossroad for the moment.

I have achieved the goals I set 5 years ago. I have graduated college. I found an amazing job with a company so perfect for me I could not have dreamed of a better place to work. I am out of state and away from all of the comforts I have known for the past 23 years. I have a support group comprised of family and friends that have been incremental to my success. And I am happy.

It is hard to believe, after recognizing all of these achievements, that I am sitting in a truck stop hotel in Portage, Indiana. I am surrounded by a hodgepodge of my nearest and dearest material things. One king sized bed all to myself. Miles from any kind of civilization that is familiar to me. The people here live a very different lifestyle. Portage is at the top of Indiana, not far from Lake Michigan. It is situated in the middle of a series of industrial towns. The people here mostly work in manufacturing or whatever other everyday jobs a small town has to offer. Those are the people I have been living amongst the past few days. At the place I am staying I'm surround by truck drivers making their mandatory 10 hour stop. Different people, but all very kind. The landscape is quite ugly, but that is nothing new. It is January in the Midwest, and that looks the same all over. Dark skies, naked trees, and a cold breeze. It's funny how much I wanted to leave Columbus, Ohio for its uneventfulness and end up stuck by the side of a road. Within a 5 mile radius I have access to 2 diners, 3 liquor stores, and a strip club. It is nice to be only a 5 minute drive to the place I will call work for the next few years. This description of my current state doesn't seem to fit with the beginning of my story, but in a way, it fits just right.

I am starting a new chapter in my life. I haven't decided what the title will be and of course I don't know what it will be about. But being stuck here on this lonely road has made me realize that I need to write a new outline for what is to come. I need to set some new goals for the next 5 years of my life. Conveniently enough this pause comes at the beginning of the year. It is January 2013. Instead of making New Years Resolutions I have decided to make New Life Resolutions. And in these resolutions I will set the goals I need to drive myself toward more success in the years to come. This is, of course, a work in progress, but here is what I have so far:

• Find a place to live- I am going to live in Chicago. It is going to be a commute to work, but I am willing to sacrifice time at home for time in the car (or on a train) in order to experience one of the coolest cities in the US. It is the perfect place to further my individuality, my love for the arts, and my love of excitement. This is going to be the first time in 7 years that I have weekends off and I plan to maximize that new luxury. Plus, I wont have to use a car to get around (except to work of course).
• Be the best new employee ArcelorMittal has ever seen- I believe in this company. I think that if I give them my all they make sure I go far. I am guessing they were extremely impressed with me when I was interviewed because my first assignment is in Internal Reports. My job will involve making reports that go to the entire company (meaning all over the world). I have been placed on the same floor as ArcelorMittal's CEO's, and my supervisor is notorious for being a tough sell. I have been given an opportunity to shine, and be in the path of people that will notice a leader when they see one. I plan on making the very best of this gift I was given, and try to take on as much responsibility as I can handle. I must remind myself that I am going to fuck up. But a mistake made is a lesson learned. I am most excited to start work and learn how I can make a difference.
• I am going to place new emphasis on my health- I have been interested in ways to stay healthy for a long time, but now is the time to start healthy habits that will last my lifetime. I want to be better about getting in physical activity everyday. I want to make sure that every meal has the right amount of fruits and veggies. I want to cut drinking down to small amounts here and there. I truly believe that if you eat the right foods, drink lots of water, and stay active you will stay healthy throughout the year and increase the number of years to come. There is more to work on for this resolution. I have some research to do and a gym membership to purchase, but all in good time. 
• I want to get my finances in order-Being a server for 7 years has really screwed up my spending habits. I want to get out of debt and start a healthy savings fund. All this hard work will mean nothing if I don't have a cozy beach house or some villa somewhere to retire to when I'm old. This one is going to take some serious effort, but it is also the area where I will have the most help. I have some people on my side that are very good at managing money. I am counting on them to teach me the ways (funny, I thought I was the finance expert...).
• I want my MBA-Education doesn't stop at a BA for this girl, especially when ArcelorMittal is so willing to assist with this goal by giving it to me for free!
• I want to keep in touch with people that matter most to me (AKA: anyone who attended my going away party)
• ...There is more, but it starts to get material from here, so I wont bother

These are goals, and this my plan. I will work hard until I feel I have achieved everything I have outlined here. Unfortunately, nothing ever comes easy to me in life. I know I have many challenges ahead. But it helps to have a blueprint to refer back to when times seem bleak. 

This dumpy little hotel was just what I needed to remind myself that I haven't won yet. Hopefully now  I can move on from this crossroad, and into a new life!

Finding Work

I am at an exciting point in my life. It has also been one of the most difficult. I am graduating from college in December with my Undergraduate Degree in Business Finance and a minor in Globalization Studies. It has been a long road traveled, and of course the journey doesn't end after I am handed my diploma.

The next step would seem obvious. Find a job. But is isn't that simple, at least in my case. I am not one of those fortunate people who have known since grade school what they want to be when they grow up. No, in my case options are endless. And in light of that I have been applying for every and any job that comes my way. My only requirements are that I make enough money that I can live by myself (totally over the roommate thing), that this job is located elsewhere in the world, and that I am continuing to learn new things. Oh, and I prefer not to sell insurance, but that's just me. Because I am open to almost any new experience with these small criteria, I have had a great amount of success at finding employers who are interested in me. I have interviewed with Aldi, Chase, Kimberly-Clark Corp., Freddie Mac, American Airlines, ArcelorMittal, the list goes on. I am no where near finished, but I can picture the finish line, and it is beautiful. I would say that I am about halfway. I am knee deep in interviews.

I look back a few months to when I first started this race. Interviewing was a frightening thought. I have had 2 long-term jobs for most of my working life and my interview experience was limited. But just like skydiving, it was something I had to do, and there was no turning around. Fast forward to today, and the interview process has become less of a fear and more of a habit. I have 2 outfits, a dress suit and a pants suit. I use my glasses to make me looker smarter when I think it will help. I have my little binder where a scribble some generic questions that make look and sound interested and intelligent. I think it is working because I have moved onto the next round of interviews with several of the companies I am pursing. The tricky part is know what they're going to ask, and how to answer each question so that I get across what my strengths are. It is these challenges I hope to address in this writing. I want to organize my thoughts as to what I think I can bring to any company. So here it goes...

To tell you a little about myself, I was born and raised in the Columbus, Ohio. I chose Ohio State University because my parents are alumni, it has a competitive business program, and it was an affordable choice. I put myself through school by working two jobs. I worked as a server at Bob Evans for six years and I am currently working as a server at The Cheesecake Factory, where I have been for three years. On top of working 2 jobs and going to school full-time, I was an executive member of Students for Recycling. I held the position of Vice President and Treasurer. Needless to say my schedule was tight. I learned valuable organizational and time management skills.

Through my coursework at Ohio State I gained an understanding of all areas of business, something I highly value. I had surprisingly extensive coursework in Accounting, to where I feel quite profit in that area. Finance has always been my favorite. I enjoy solving numerical problems where the solution has meaning to me. I like being able to look at an income statement or a balance sheet and understand what they say about a company. A balance sheet can tell you a lot about what kind of business the company is in, and where improvements can be made in the business strategy to get more efficiency and profit.

My Globalization Studies minor really helped my understand the global playing field when it comes to the business world. I learned about exchange rates and how they affect profits, especially for companies with global operations. I have a good understanding of how the advanced economies are able to be successful and why the less advanced economies struggle to compete. I also enjoyed learning how business practices and the way business transactions are handled differs from country to country. I am confident that taking this extra time to study globalization will benefit me in any career I pursue considering many companies operate on a global scale, and this trend is only increasing as technology and transportation improve.

What do I bring to this company? A willingness to learn and adapt quickly. I am eager to start applying what I learned in the class room to a real world setting. I am a diligent worker, who takes pride in being successful and being an asset to the company I am apart of.  I am reliable. I am always at work on time, if not early. I don't believe in missing work because I know it means that others have to pick up my slack. When given an assignment I strive to produce work above what is expected of me. I take responsibility for my actions. If I make a mistake I don't let it ruin my day or my moral. Nothing good can come from sulking. I just try to learn from it and make sure that same mistake doesn't happen again. One of my best attributes is my ability to communicate well. As a leader, it has always been my experience that communication is the key. Effective communication enables everyone working for a common goal to improve on his or her part by getting other peoples' perspectives.  In group discussion or case work that was usually my role, the facilitator of discussion. There has to be someone that keeps the ball rolling, that keeps a flow of ideas and questions working to solve the problem quicker. As a leader I think it is important to make decisions, but also be able to listen to what others around you are saying because they probably have ideas and experiences you never thought of. I enjoy working with people. Whether it be customers or coworkers, I am very comfortable talking and listening to the people I work with. I am a hard worker who is willing to learn an improve on any project that is given to me.

My biggest weakness is my inability to know when I am "in over my head", so to speak. I am the oldest of four kids in my family. At an early age I learned to be independent, and figure things out for myself. Although this has been beneficial in most cases, sometimes I take it too far. I don't get help when help would be useful. Instead I take it a step too far and end up overwhelmed. This hasn't happened often, but when I am taking on a new responsibility it has been an issue. 

Skydiving

My First Skydive

                I will never forget the uneasy feeling that occupied my stomach as that small plane as it climbed to altitude. That was the only time where I had any doubts in my ability to make the jump.  When it came time to exit the plane I knew that there was only one way down, and it wasn’t riding in an airplane. 

                I chose to take skydiving because it is my last semester at Ohio State, and I wanted to go out with a bang. In 4 years I have never taken a class that was just for fun. Skydiving met the qualifications for the perfect graduating semester fun class.  It was a unique opportunity, it was something I could scratch off my bucket-list, and it was something that could teach me valuable lessons. Of course, all of these great thoughts were formulated before learning we were AFF jumping, and it would not be tandem.  Though this came as surprise, there was no turning back.  By the end of the class training and training at the site I felt prepared to make the leap.

                When it was my turn to suit up the nerves kicked in, and I started to really think about what I was about to do.  None of those feelings mattered much because I was determined not to fail.  My instructors, two well qualified and handsome gentlemen, were crucial for keeping me focused on the goal.  Then it was time to board the plane. The ride up was the hardest part.  It was not the heights that bothered me.  It was knowing that I would be responsible for making it to the ground again in one piece.  Next thing I know, I am watching the rest of the passengers on the plane exit and fall into the sky.  And finally was the moment I had been waiting for over a year.  The actual leap out was a relief. I made it out of the plane and was in free-fall  The entire time I am doing my checks, trying to stabilize my arms and legs, and smile for the camera I am thinking “why did I think this was a good idea?!”  It was cold and I couldn’t keep my mouth closed because of the wind rushing against my body.  My arms and legs seemed like a lost cause.  They didn’t stay in any position I was trying to put them in.  I looked at my altimeter at 5,000 ft and thought “Crap, it’s past time”.  I pulled my shoot and shot into the air.  I looked up to see a perfectly inflated parachute and breathed a sigh of relief.  And there I was, 4,000 ft in the air, just floating around.  It seems like a serene picture, but my heart was racing as I recovered from sensation of free-fall and adjusted to the feeling of floating high above the ground.  I remember noticing how quiet it is up there.  When it came time to land, I was ready to be on the ground.  Apparently that was the dominating mentality in my brain because I tuned out to my instructor’s instructions and ended in a rough landing.  My first thought upon reaching the ground was “I did it.”

                The whole experience was a lot to take in. My body had never felt pressure like that before and my brain did not know what to make of the purposeful placement into danger.  My reaction initially was that the experience was not what I had imagined, and I did not like it.  But after about 20 minutes I changed my mind.  I felt great. I was full of adrenaline and excitement. It was like brain was unable to process the whole experience right away, but after some time to recover it was an awesome rush.  I told my mom that day that I would be back to do my 25 jumps and get licensed as a skydiver.  Now it has been a few weeks since my life defying leap.  It is hard to remember exactly how I felt in the air, but the feelings about skydiving I formulated upon landing still stand. 

My reflection on skydiving is based on what I learned.  I learned that I am a risk taker. I knew that before I signed up for the class, but I was able to reinforce that this is a true characteristic of my personality.  I learned that once you set your mind to do something, nothing can stop you from achieving that goal.  If you are determined, and it is important to you that you succeed, the chance of failure of slim to none.  I learned that preparation wont ensure that you do everything perfect, but it will ensure that you can succeed well enough.  I have used these lessons in my day to day life.  I have brought this experience up in several interviews.  I use it to drive the point I am serious and I am successful, and employers are always impressed.  I would recommend this experience to anyone who thinks they have the power to achieve anything they believe is possible.   

I Need It

I need a car. I have been living without one for 2 months. I need to know that I am in the place I am because I choose to be there. I don't like being left behind. I don't like being dependent on people. I don't like feeling like every choice I make is based on others, and not purely what I want. Because I am a firm believer in "do what makes you happy", and if I am deciding what do based on other people then I am not doing what makes me happy, I am focused on we. I need we, I love we, but we will mean more to me when I know I have satisfied me first. Try to understand. You are no different.  The car, though material and seemingly insignificant, means I can come and go as I please. And I need to feel like I control that.  As usual, this experience has taught me something about myself. I need to be independent. 

Jotting Some Thoughts

I wish I could write poetry. I wish the English language wasn't losing value to text abbrev iations and social network status's. I wish I could express these feelings. I wish I could see the future, and see that all of my worrying is for nothing. I wish someone would tell me what to do next. I am worried.

I want to grow up, but I don't want to leave my old friends behind. I want to be successful, but I don't know how. I want to have an amazing job, but I don't know what my talent is. I want to a good girlfriend, but I don't know how. I am worried.

What is going to happen? Will I accomplish all of the things I want? Will I ever figure out what my place is in this world? Will I ever grow up? Is it possible not to worry about what will happen next? How do I know what is forever? Is there a forever?

I want to disappear. And reappear, as someone no one recognizes. And I will be happy. Because I accomplished what I set out to achieve.

Having Oscar

About a week ago, I adopted a new responsibility into my life. Don't ask me why. You would think two jobs, full-time school, and a boyfriend would be enough, but I like to see how this I can stretch myself before I crash and burn...No that is not true. I just wanted something to love, that loves me back unconditionally. Never in a million years did I think I would get some kind of value out of raising a puppy, but having a puppy is strikingly like having a baby.

I cannot believe the comparisons I can make between my little dotson mutt and a new born baby. The first night we brought him home he was so scared. He cried until I put him in bed with me. In the morning we tried to go outside, didn't quite make it, but accidents happen. And he is so small the outside is terrifying to him. Every morning he has to get used to it all over again. At first I had to feed him warm dog food. He wouldn't eat by himself, but now I think he's got it down. He cries all night. I am currently cage training him. It is difficult, but you just have to let them cry, or some I am told. Even though all I want to do is put him in bed with me. Along with crying he gets up in the middle of the night to play! I do not play at 3am pup. He is always ready to go in the morning. The rest of his day are continuous cycles of sleeping, playing, peeing, and sleeping. The best part about Oscar is that he always wants to be held. He doesn't sleep on the floor, or the couch, or the cage. If he wants to go to sleep he crawls up my legs like a baby lifting his arms, and says "hold me" with his little cries. As I pick him up, he curls up in my arms and falls right to sleep. This has made homework a challenge this week, but I don't really mind because he loves me and I love that he loves me. 

Behavior of Oscar is not the only part of this experience that makes me feel like I just had a baby. The interaction with people has changed. I feel like I don't get any attention anymore, it's all about my puppy. They love him when he sleeps or plays, but I am called when he cries and needs to be taken outside. I have to ask people to "babysit" him because if you don't watch over him carefully he will reek havoc. When people talk about him I find myself getting really defensive. And I am constantly trying to protect him. When friends come over they rave about the new puppy, and hold him, and tell me how cute he is.

I find myself relating to friends who also have pets on a whole new level. One of my best friends just got a puppy a few weeks ago. I have asked him tons of questions about bath time, how long they cry, what playing is like, etc. Oscar met another friend of mine's big puppy, and they played together despite the size and age difference. Us moms just sat back and laughed, trying to gauge how well they were actually getting along. It is nice talking to people who are going through the same things I am and have advice to give. I am a new parent after all.    

I think the most perplexing part of this whole thing is how my relationship with my boyfriend has changed. He doesn't want any responsibility. He makes it very clear that this is my dog. He helps take care of Oscar though. And I think of it as a partnership. If I am mom, then Dominic is definitely dad. We both worry about what the puppy is doing, who should take him out, and who's turn it is to hold him or calm him down if he is crying. We don't have time to ourselves anymore. It's always about Oscar. Even when we are by ourselves we talk about the dog. And we spend so much time thinking about Oscar that we don't think about each other. We haven't had sex once since we got him. I hate it actually. I'm not ready to have this adult kind of relationship where mom and dad's purpose in life changes to adapt a child. The priorities are all wrong, and I don't see them changing as long as we have this puppy. It's changed how I feel about him as a boyfriend. It just feels all too real, too fast, too soon...

Needless to say, having a puppy has made a bigger change in my life than I ever anticipated. I am still shocked at how much this reminds me of having a baby. But I'm happy to know I can give this baby away without compromising any of my morals. I have not changed my life forever by adding a dog, only temporarily. And now I understand more than ever why I do not have a child yet, and why I do not want one for a very long time. Because once you have a baby, there is no going back. Your life changes meaning, you have a new purpose, forever.

My birth control is in the form of an adorable puppy named Oscar.