Checking In

I haven't blogged in ages, and Wednesday December 8th at 2:30am seemed like a good time to put some thoughts down.

The quarter is wrapping up, and as hard as I've tried I am not getting the A's I strive for. My only comfort is that I have tried really hard, so at least I know I've earned these grades fair and square. I could always try harder, put more time into studying, but that mean taking time away from being me. I wont let school interfere with me living my life. The most important part of this philosophy is that I still love learning. Grades can only be so important, but it's the lesson that you take away, the ones that stick with you, that really count. That IS what I'm paying for.

I am paying for a lot these days actually. School, living, life lessons. I have found one in particular to be the most valuable, partly because it has been the most expensive. I just had my last court take for my physical control. My license is suspended until March. And I owe my lawyer a college kid's fortune. Not to mention fees, court costs, reinstatement fee...very valuable lesson indeed. There are positives. I don't drink as much. I save money that way, calories, and my health in general. It's helped me quit smoking too. This hasn't been the only factor in me cleaning up my act though.

I am 22 now. That last of my early 20's. If I could freeze myself in age or drink from the fountain of youth it would right now. I'm in my prime as I define it. Young, but experienced. Stilling having faith in the world I live in, but wise to its tricks. The only part I struggle with is being at the age where innocence must be left behind, and the hard decisions have to be made. I have no idea what this degree I am working so hard for is going to bring me. I don't know what I want to do with my life. A cliche worry, I know, but it plagues me, in the back of my mind. Business has taught me that you are supposed to discover what it is that you can best at, better than anyone else, and pursue that. Because that is the thing that will make you successful. It stems from passion. But I have not discovered what I am best suited for. I am hoping it falls into my lap. Basically I am putting my faith into fate. My destiny will find me!

In the meantime, I go to school and work my two jobs. I am able to support myself which is gratifying. Serving is getting hard to bear, but it keeps me afloat and it certainly is not boring. It is time though to leave my high school job. I have worked for Bob Evans for almost six years. Quite a feat, but not something to brag about by any means. It is hard though, to let go of something you have had for so long. Never thought I would say that about Bobs, but the realization has hit and I can't get it off of my mind. I am leaving it in good hands though. My sister still works there, as well as my mom, and just recently my brother. My baby brother has the same first job I had. I wish him luck.  I know he will do great.

I miss my friends. After school and two jobs the time for them is pretty limited. Most of them are on the same page though. We are all busy as turn into grownups. I take comfort in knowing they're still around, and the times I do get to see them are always like old times. I am careful about keeping them around. I know they are there should I ever need a shoulder to lean on. I hope they know I have an equally sturdy shoulder to lend should one of them ever be in need.

I find myself spending a great deal of my time with a particular friend. He is much more than that actually because I love him. Being in love is a wonderful feeling, but a scary one at the same time. I wasn't looking for it by any means, but it found me. I feel like I had no choice in the matter. Because if I did I would have refused it. I should be focused on myself and achieving the goals I have set for myself. But he is the world to me, and I would do anything for him. That's scary part. We aren't even exclusive. One of the little barriers I try to set up for myself. It doesn't matter, I am hooked. But I am happy, so it can't be bad. It is just another example of me being...not your typical girl, afraid to commit? I am leaving the country with him, Germany and Paris. It's like something that happens in romance novels or a dream. And because I'm living a dream, and I'm in love, I am the luckiest girl in the world right now. I hope it all goes well though. It's now after 3am, I have an exam tomorrow, and I have not even started packing.

And on that note, I must retire for my big day tomorrow. I, as always, have more to say, but never the time to say it. I feel accomplished for getting even a fraction down. These posts are most likely the first few chapters of my memoir, and I would like to have as much down as possible before I forget. Sweet Dreams.

Bad Day

I studied so hard for my accounting exam, I was sure I was a master of the art walking in. By the time I walked out of my exam, I had to run for fear of someone seeing me cry. It was like I had studied the wrong subject for three days. I held it together. Threw back some whiskey to make the disappointment go away. But it was all over when I got a message from my baby brother: "keep you're head up. look past the schooling and just enjoy the life you were given #smile!". I want to take his advice so bad.

Take it in Strides

I am 21 years old and had a enough relationships by now to know what I am looking for...right now.

I did the long term, committed relationship first. We were young, it seemed perfect. I was sure I was going to marry my high school sweet heart like in some preteen fantasy novel. But this relationship stopped working when I realized that there was only one place we could go from where we were (me 21, him 23 and practically married already), and that was the last place I wanted to be. So I said goodbye to my first love. I set out on the path of being single. But this is not the first time, I had my first go at singlehood after my first huge life transition, moving out of my parents house.

At age 19 I wanted to try being single. I was young and inexperienced. I was new to college life and I had to see what was out there. This meant really entering the dating game for the first time. Unfortunately "the game" for a 19 year girl is difficult. The best players have a lot of practice. I was brand new. That was the year that I learned men that try to get in your pants on the first encounter are done being interested once you let them in. Yep, had a few of those let downs. Looking back on it now, I cannot believe I thought any one one of those guys had an interest in me other than my vagina. They really aren't hard to spot, and usually have nothing intelligent to say. That was first valuable lesson learned; spot the rogue. They weren't all bad of course. There were a couple that stuck around. One in particular really influenced me and who I am today. I was still 19 and he was 24 and I worshiped him. He listened to the best music, and had the greatest free-love ideas. His dad lived and worked in New Zealand, a country I couldn't even locate on a map. All of this influence on me, I was his puppet. But he never wanted to call our relationship anything. We were just...together. Next lesson learned. It's easier to let something go if you don't form an attachment, don't give it a title. I was crushed, but surprisingly the titleless relationship was easy for me to lose too. Today I see that relationship as a introduction to a world I had not known. He was one of the few that taught me something I could take through life.

There weren't many after him before I got fed up with men. I came to the conclusion that I had been with a man that I loved, and there might not be anyone else out there that could love me back like my first did. So I went back. We had a great year. It is amazing how fast we fell into our old rhythm. I felt comfortable, safe, at home. Too comfortable, too familiar. It took me 1 year to remember again why I left. But this time I had a real epiphany. I don't want to be with anyone. I am too young, these relationships don't work because, male or female, no one really knows what they want at 21. So why worry about it? My philosophy as it stands: get in a serious relationship when you are ready for that relationship to last forever because being committed takes a lot of work. But it is worth it if you want that. I'm not trying to disrespect anyone who has a fully functional relationship. It just doesn't work for a person like me, determined to carve my own path out of this earth. I mean, my biggest concerns at this time are making it to class on time and who you can get to buy my next drink. Ladies and Gentlemen, do yourself a favor and give the early years to yourself. Once they're gone they're gone, unless you plan on rejoining "the game" at age 40 after some messy divorced to some person you thought you loved. I hear it's rough out there past age 32.

My theory doesn't account for the fact that we are human, and instinctively we look for a mate. This is my current challenge. I thought I had it all figured out, until a boy came along. And  I like this boy very much. But he threatens all of my plans. I want to be thinking about myself, and not getting mixed up in a love game. It came down to fight off a relationship or fighting in one, so I let my heart take the reigns. It can't be helped. I can't control these emotions. And he makes me happy so why not? That is the ultimate goal in life right? To be happy? The way I see it, that is the bare necessity, our will to survive can be seen simply as being happy. So I caved, and let myself fall in love again, but with a new idea on how to go about it.

I put a restriction on it. I am not your girlfriend. Surprisingly he was okay with that. I don't know why I was surprised considering men are usually the ones with commitment issues. But why can't we just hang out and be together without a label? Because society says otherwise. That has been the biggest hurdle. People want to fit others into categories to simplify life, but the reality is that there is no simple solution to trials of being human. Further more, this is my second longest running relationship. Whether this is a healthy thing, I haven't figured that out yet. It works for me. I don't feel caged in, which helps with my fear of commitment. I'm not trying to get a marriage proposal out of him. I figure as long as we make each other happy we will be together. When that stops being the case, we shake hands and walk away. Doesn't that sound nice? It is, but it is a work in progress. The lines as I see them get blurred, and we both don't know how to put them back. But without the pressures of a typical relationship we have an easier time dealing with our problems. He is great guy, and it has been fun getting to know him. Where the future is concerned, I'll just let fate run its course and not ask any questions.

To sum it all up: Live your life the way you see fit, and do what makes YOU happy. The people that stick around are the ones who were in it for you in the first place.

School Starts, and My Life Begins Again

It's the end of September and school is back in session. This is my very favorite time of year. It feels great to have a purpose again; to be working for something other money. School means a lot of things for me. It is when i discipline myself into a routine that suits the lifestyle I aspire to lead.  I'm not sure why that has to fall apart every summer, but it does. I get back into the habit of eating healthy, moving around, reading the paper, etc. Basically it's about being back in the sophisticated "loop" if you will. To add to image, I got some new glasses today. Now I look smart, feel smart, and am doing smart things. I feel like this is the real reason I have been so unhappy these past couple weeks. I just wasn't feeling good about myself anymore.

Of course there is always trouble in paradise for this girl. She definitely never leads a perfect life. I lost my debit card again. Which is always a nightmare. It gives me an excuse to use my credit card, but I never end up paying it back like I planned. Hence $2500 in credit card debit. Could be worse I guess.

There is also a household conflict on my mind. I live with my sister, which I love. Love Love Love. Jackie and I are so much a like, but different in all the right ways. We have been getting along great. Then there's Megan, Jackie's friend from high school. A third girl roommate. I knew this was trouble from the start, but since Jackie is afraid of confrontation nothing was ever done about it. Girls just don't work well in threes. We need allies to scheme with and bitch to. Megan has no one on her side, and  I feel bad for her. It's not like we are bad roommates. I keep the house exceedingly clean, and I have all of my own groceries, and I always try to be courteous and kind. But she is definitely angry for some reason. I feel like she set herself up for failure in our house. Trust is huge. It's an important part of any relationship with another person. Some people say I am overly trusting, but honestly I would rather give people a chance than assume everyone's out to screw me over. I want to believe that people are good. It hasn't failed me yet. This is not the case with our sad 3rd roommate. She put a key lock on her door day one, and that is where she stays. Locked in her like a teenager pouting at dinner. It's sad because we could be such a happy family if she just let go of her anger. Instead she sends angry texts and tweets and never directly addresses the problem. Jackie is the same way...I don't know how they didn't scratch each other's eyes out last year when they lived with 2 other girls. Luckily for the house I wont let that happen. I can't go on like this, it's like living with a stranger. I'm gonna say something to Megan, and I want her to just let it all out. Scream at the top of her lungs, cuss me out, punch a hole in the wall. Anything to relieve the pent up hate she harbors. Then we can begin to heal, and fix the problems. That is the only way conflict is ever solved. I'm just fortunate enough to have learned to swallow my pride and skip the brooding phase of being angry. It feels bad to carry the weight of hate around.

Other than Megan's rage, the house is nice. Beautiful, with a homey, happy decor..if I do say so myself (I decorated of course). We have a pretty communal living situation actually. Megan, Jackie, and I all have significant others, some more serious than others. Mike, Megan's boyfriend is our half 4th roommate. He is there Thursday- Sunday. Then Katelyn is our other half 4th roommate staying with me in my room Sunday-Tuesday. Then Mark, Jackie's beau is there a few nights a week. And Dominic..not there as much because I am sharing a room but he still has a tooth brush and a happy presence in the house as well. I don't mind having all of these people around. They're all great. We haven't had an issue with keeping things clean, or stuff being broken/misplaced. Maybe this is just me trusting everyone again, but as long as these people do me no wrong, they add to the excitement of living on campus. Considering all of these positive aspects of the house, I have faith in the eventual success of our Summit Street Dwelling, and can't wait to enjoy spending time with my communal family. 

Just to touch on some of the other turmoil I've been dealing with, my OVI got dropped to a Physical Control. Which is at least a 0 point offense on my license. I have to do a weekend drug and alcohol program, but I'm staying positive about that one. Hoping to learn a few things. After that it's just minimum fines and a 6 month license suspension (with privileges, and it already started even though I have my license until December). I get sentenced 3 days before I leave for Germany, and the first day of exam week. More than anything this has been an intolerable expense, and a great learning experience. My first goal is to move to a city where I can always walk home, and roll my car off a cliff.

Still dealing with apartment bullshit, which has been my biggest pain in the ass these days. I just don't want to worry about it anymore. My friends are being helpful for the most part. Steve came down and got all of his stuff out. Now it's just Lance and Justin, mostly Justin, but that was anticipated. Some kids never grow up, and that's okay, but at least learn to walk without someone holding your hand. Then I will know you can make it. After that I am going to have a knew policy for handling things of this nature. I will never again be solely response for anything that involves paying me money. It is not an issue of trust, it's just an inconvenience and a liability and I'm not doing it again.

And now that I have spend an hour writing this blog instead of doing the school work that i was SO EXCITED to do..because it's fall again..and I love school. Yay. I need to stop. The darker it gets the less productive I become. End.

HELP ME!

My plate consists of:

1. starting school, but having to drop half of my classes to pay for
2. My physical control charge, which I got on Labor Day weekend because I was speeding after I left the bar (and I only consumed a beer and a half). This is costing me $3,500 of money I don't have and a lot of time. I have to a drug intervention program, where I stay in a hotel for a weekend. I have to pay a $400 fine plus court costs, and I have to pay my lawyer $500 a month.
3. I also moved into my campus house recently. This place costs more than my last, and is never clean/ I haven't really been able to enjoy it because I don't have time to.
4. My last apartment was supposed to be taken care of my friends, but because NO ONE has their act together, no one is living there but I still have to take care of rent, internet, and electric. For 2 more months because I didn't give 60 days notice of leaving. My father is going to try to take care of it for me, but there is stuff in there from 3 different people that aren't around. Sorry guys, but get it out or it's gonna get pitched.
5. I am treasurer/fundraiser of Students for Recycling. We have a huge event coming up but I haven't been in contact with anyone because I broke my second phone in one month. my Crackberry non-the-less.
6. No one is helping because no one can help me. It is all my problem and my live feels dismal. This is quite possibly the hardest time in my life. I have no money, no time, no words of wisdom. Friends, do not think your support goes unappreciated. It helps to talk about things, but the problems don't go away, and they are all my own. No one can really relate.

I just don't understand how I got myself into this situation. I am constantly trying to be a good person. To do the right thing. And help anyone out who needs it. I'm sure this is all happening for a reason. A good one. I just hope I was meant to survive this turmoil, not be broken from it. This is my true test of spirit. And I don't know if I am overcoming the challenge. I feel defeated.  

My Bad Luck

This was my homework for my lawyer. It's nice, they gave me a chance to state my cases and defend my character. Now who will see it, and why should they care is not my concern at the moment. It just feels good to get it all out.

My Account of September 2/3 2011

                Friday night I went to the bar with a couple friends around 10pm. I had just left my parents house where I was looking for my car keys. Since I couldn’t find them I took my sister’s car.  She drives a much newer Pontiac G6. It drives a lot smoother than my Ford, which proved to be a contributing factor to my downfall later that evening. My friend Justin and I went to Murphy Mcflips’, a local bar off of Polaris Parkway that we frequent. I had a 20 oz Killian’s when I got there. That lasted me about an hour and half. I got another one around 11:30. At 11:45pm a friend from work called and asked if I could open for her in the morning at Bob Evans (open requires being there at 5:45am) . Since I hadn’t had a lot to drink I agreed. At this point I gave away the rest of my beer, about half of the glass and left. I gave a friend a ride home. He lives about 5 minutes from the bar, off of Crosswoods Blvd. Then I headed back to my boyfriend’s house to stay the night. He lives in Springburne Apartments, also about 5 minutes from the bar, off of Lazelle Rd. At this point I really had to go to the bathroom. I must have been thinking more about that than how fast I was going because the next thing I know I see flashing lights in my rear view mirror. I pulled into Springburne and parked the car. I rolled down the window and the officer approached my car. He asked for license, registration, and proof of insurance. I handed him my licenses and my sister’s registration. I told the officer that it was my sister’s car, and that I did not have my proof of insurance on me. He told me that he pulled me over for going 56 in a 45 mph zone, and that I swerved. He did not go back to the police car to run my license. He asked where I was coming from and if I had been drinking. In a panic I said my parent’s house, and that I had had 1 beer half an hour ago. He asked me to step out of the car and leave my keys on the seat. I did as he asked. I was given a few field sobriety tests, which I took thinking I would have no problem passing them. Apparently I was wrong. I did the pen test with no problem. Then he asked me to walk the line taking 9 steps, counting 1-1000, 2-1000, etc. I told him I was really nervous, and proceeded to take the test, but I left out the 1000 part. I said it in my head and counted out loud slowly. After that he asked me to raise my foot 6 inches off the ground and count as high as I could. He had said earlier that I could take off my sandals, but I didn’t until this last test. I made it to 20 before he stopped me. When I was finished he said he wanted me to do one more test and pulled out a portable breathalyzer. I said that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to do that test and asked if I could call my dad. He allowed me to do so, but being 1am at this point, my dad didn’t answer. At this point the officer was done giving me chances to take the test and put me under arrest for speeding and OVI. He sat me in the cop car and read me my rights. Another officer was called to the scene. She patted me down and put me in handcuffs. He told me the penalty for refusing the official breathalyzer was 1 year suspension versus 90 days if I took it. So I agreed to go to the station. Once we got there I really couldn’t hold it anymore, and asked to go to the bathroom. The officer said I would have to wait 20 more minutes to take the test if I did that. I insisted that I had to use the bathroom immediately. After that I was taken to a room to wait. It was freezing, and I was shivering and scared. Given time to think about my situation I decided that it would be in my best interest not to take the test even though I did not believe my BAC was over the legal limit. I informed the officer of my decision. He said ok, I signed the ticket, and he took me back to my boyfriend’s apartment. He wanted to walk me to the door, but I asked him not to, and he stood back and watched me walk to the door.  

About Me

                I am 21 years old and the oldest of 4 children. I am about to start my 4^th year at Ohio State University where I am working on my Bachelors in Business Finance with a minor in Globalization Studies. I am also studying German, as I will be taking a trip there in December. When I am not in class I am working on projects for my organization, Students for Recycling. I am the Treasure of this organization. We plan events and do educational presentations on the importance of recycling, especially on our campus. I also work 2 jobs to pay for my school and living expenses. I am a server at Bob Evans in Lewis Center. I have worked there for 5 years, and it was my first job. I also serve at The Cheesecake Factory at the Polaris Mall. I have been there for almost 2 years. I am interested in food, where it comes from and importance of eating healthy, natural food over processed food products. I hope to incorporate this passion into my future career. I am currently in search of an internship that incorporates my love for the environment and the value I place on natural eating. I would like to help educate people on these topics because I think it would help with the nation’s energy crisis, as well as the obesity and other health problems plaguing Americans. Lastly, if I end up having some free time at the end of the day I like to read books. I prefer the classics, including books by Jane Austen and Oscar Wilde.

What I Have Learned

                This whole experience has been rather traumatic for me. I have never been pulled over before, and my first incident I end up arrested and facing OVI charges. Facing these charges and consequences could affect my future career.  Not only do I now have a record, the expense of this incident is going to go well beyond anything I can afford. I don’t have parents with money that can get me out of this one. I have to pay for everything myself. With the lawyer fees, court costs, fines, and the program I am going to have to take I might have to drop out of school for the quarter just to cover these costs. That upsets me more than anything. School is very important to me. It is something I have been looking forward to all summer, and it breaks my heart to think I might have to wait another three months to go back. So what have I learned? The consequences of driving after drinking greatly outweigh any benefits. And there really are no benefits to drinking when you know you have to drive home. I have made the decision to not drink at all if I know I will have to be behind a wheel.  Not even one drink is worth what it could cost if I were to get pulled over again. And even though in my case this time I did not have a lot to drink, and my offense was not to a serious one, it could be a different case the next time. If I don’t change my habits now, there could be a next time. And that is not something I can bear to go through again. So I see this experience as a blessing in disguise.  I have always been someone who has to make mistakes to learn from them. This mistake has taught me a valuable lesson. I am working to improve my driving and always be conscious of the speed I am going. And I am choosing not to drink if I know I will be driving, or find a ride if I want to drink. I am confident that having learned to change my behavior nothing like this will happen again.

Feel Better Please

I am generally a happy person. Positive attitude, healthy smile. But when life gets me down I tend to dwell on it. So I end up stuck in a sad place and I hate what it does to me mind and body. I have this bad habit where anytime something bad happens or I hit a wave of depression, I start adding up everything that is going wrong in my head. It's like I have this guest list of problems and they're all invited to Emily's Pity Party. Usually I tough it out. Get drunk or high and forget about them. By the time the next day rolls around I am in my happy mood again and my list of problems goes out the window. Sounds great, but it's not. They always catch up with me sooner or later. So I want to list out everything that is bothering me. This way I can remember, and work on each one. Maybe this will work for me. Maybe I have thought of a healthy way of dealing with life's little heartaches that doesn't involve getting trashed and wondering the streets (or wherever) in a drunken stupor. Other I will probably just sob uncontrollably during Steve's visit and I've been looking forward to this for too long to let it go down like that. So here it is..

1. Finances. I work 2 jobs, but I support myself, I got to Ohio state and pay for 1/3 of that (plus books and coffee), I got a little travel happy this year, not to mention my drinking problem, etc. I don't think I am going to have enough money for this year. What if I actually can't come up with the money?

2. Time cards. I have many friends, and I love them all. Each one brings something to my life that I treasure. But with the 2 jobs and everything mentioned above there just isn't enough time in the world to hang out with them all. Because they don't all get along. I have an eclectic circle of friends. One just got of surgery to remove cancer. I haven't even called him.  Then there's my Not-Boyfriend who takes neglect pretty well. I attribute that to the fact that he's not my boy friend. But I still miss him, and wish I could keep him in my pocket so he was around anytime I needed a special friend or a good lay. Lastly, sadly, me. I don't have anytime for me. Zero. And that was actually something I was supposed to be working on. Getting enjoyment out of being alone. How can I give everyone what they want, and why should I be upset about so many people wanting to hang out with me?

3. Friend Problems. And speaking of friends. One of mine is doing coke again. And bringing down several of my other friends with him. This friend just had a heart attack age 22. What do I do? Can I do anything? Probably not. But I can't just sit back and watch them do it. I think coke is a terrible, ugly, shady, awful drug. Do I abandon those friends that support a habit that I have such a problem with?

4..... well.. I honestly don't feel like going on. This is just depressing.

I hammered the big ones out. And I do feel a little better. Now my favorite person in the whole world is on his way to my house. I am going to buck up and have a good time. And if I do cry, hopefully they are just tears of joy. I had more to say but please refer to problem number to if you want to know what I can't continue. The phone is buzzing off the hook next to me and I lost my train of thought.