Having Oscar

About a week ago, I adopted a new responsibility into my life. Don't ask me why. You would think two jobs, full-time school, and a boyfriend would be enough, but I like to see how this I can stretch myself before I crash and burn...No that is not true. I just wanted something to love, that loves me back unconditionally. Never in a million years did I think I would get some kind of value out of raising a puppy, but having a puppy is strikingly like having a baby.

I cannot believe the comparisons I can make between my little dotson mutt and a new born baby. The first night we brought him home he was so scared. He cried until I put him in bed with me. In the morning we tried to go outside, didn't quite make it, but accidents happen. And he is so small the outside is terrifying to him. Every morning he has to get used to it all over again. At first I had to feed him warm dog food. He wouldn't eat by himself, but now I think he's got it down. He cries all night. I am currently cage training him. It is difficult, but you just have to let them cry, or some I am told. Even though all I want to do is put him in bed with me. Along with crying he gets up in the middle of the night to play! I do not play at 3am pup. He is always ready to go in the morning. The rest of his day are continuous cycles of sleeping, playing, peeing, and sleeping. The best part about Oscar is that he always wants to be held. He doesn't sleep on the floor, or the couch, or the cage. If he wants to go to sleep he crawls up my legs like a baby lifting his arms, and says "hold me" with his little cries. As I pick him up, he curls up in my arms and falls right to sleep. This has made homework a challenge this week, but I don't really mind because he loves me and I love that he loves me. 

Behavior of Oscar is not the only part of this experience that makes me feel like I just had a baby. The interaction with people has changed. I feel like I don't get any attention anymore, it's all about my puppy. They love him when he sleeps or plays, but I am called when he cries and needs to be taken outside. I have to ask people to "babysit" him because if you don't watch over him carefully he will reek havoc. When people talk about him I find myself getting really defensive. And I am constantly trying to protect him. When friends come over they rave about the new puppy, and hold him, and tell me how cute he is.

I find myself relating to friends who also have pets on a whole new level. One of my best friends just got a puppy a few weeks ago. I have asked him tons of questions about bath time, how long they cry, what playing is like, etc. Oscar met another friend of mine's big puppy, and they played together despite the size and age difference. Us moms just sat back and laughed, trying to gauge how well they were actually getting along. It is nice talking to people who are going through the same things I am and have advice to give. I am a new parent after all.    

I think the most perplexing part of this whole thing is how my relationship with my boyfriend has changed. He doesn't want any responsibility. He makes it very clear that this is my dog. He helps take care of Oscar though. And I think of it as a partnership. If I am mom, then Dominic is definitely dad. We both worry about what the puppy is doing, who should take him out, and who's turn it is to hold him or calm him down if he is crying. We don't have time to ourselves anymore. It's always about Oscar. Even when we are by ourselves we talk about the dog. And we spend so much time thinking about Oscar that we don't think about each other. We haven't had sex once since we got him. I hate it actually. I'm not ready to have this adult kind of relationship where mom and dad's purpose in life changes to adapt a child. The priorities are all wrong, and I don't see them changing as long as we have this puppy. It's changed how I feel about him as a boyfriend. It just feels all too real, too fast, too soon...

Needless to say, having a puppy has made a bigger change in my life than I ever anticipated. I am still shocked at how much this reminds me of having a baby. But I'm happy to know I can give this baby away without compromising any of my morals. I have not changed my life forever by adding a dog, only temporarily. And now I understand more than ever why I do not have a child yet, and why I do not want one for a very long time. Because once you have a baby, there is no going back. Your life changes meaning, you have a new purpose, forever.

My birth control is in the form of an adorable puppy named Oscar.

Until the Next Breakdown

It's kinda funny to observe myself. Right now is a time of despair. I have no money. My bills are going to collections. I cannot even afford school anymore, my one and only hope to eventually pull myself out of this rut. So that one day I can get a good job making good money, and look back at this time as a "character building experience". You wouldn't know it if you were to run into me on the street. I put up a nice front. The only people that really know how much I am struggling right now are my parents and my boyfriend. I don't like to talk about it. No one cares. No one can help me. And when I do talk about it, I build up some kind of hope in my mind that someone will help me.

No one is going to help me. I am not special. There are people much worse off.

So I carry this burden with me. Knowing I am drowning, but keeping up a facade that everything is fine. I am the same smart, independent, strong-willed person I have always been. I go out, I make people food, I smile. But something will push me over the edge. To the point where I can't take it anymore. That is where I am found myself this morning.

I had an exam today. Thank goodness I was able to concentrate on that. Not the case in my other classes. I am incapable of hearing a lesson when my mind is brimming with worries. I tried working out. It felt great for that 1 hour that I was at the gym. But as soon as I left my head is filled with remorse once again. It would be okay if I could just talk to someone about it. But I have the image to maintain. I don't need people yawning at my problems thinking in their heads "would you like some whine with that cheese?" or that I am some kind of killjoy.

The only thing left to do is sob. Silent tears so no one can hear. It is the only way to get it out. It doesn't solve the problem, but at least I feel better. This is where I stopped to take a look at myself. Sitting alone at my kitchen table, eating cottage cheese in my workout clothes, crying like a baby. The only thought running through my head, "I'll just go. Leave everything behind. They can sell my stuff and pay off what debt they can, but by the time they realize nothing is there, I will have disappeared. Where I go doesn't really matter, just to be lost would be enough." But this scene cannot go on too long, and before long I snap out of it. My only real option is to keep going...

And I will. I always do. I will go take a shower, do my hair, go to class. Figure out how to survive another week. No one has to know about my silly little woes. And I just enjoy the false satisfaction of my own illusion, that everything is okay.

Checking In

I haven't blogged in ages, and Wednesday December 8th at 2:30am seemed like a good time to put some thoughts down.

The quarter is wrapping up, and as hard as I've tried I am not getting the A's I strive for. My only comfort is that I have tried really hard, so at least I know I've earned these grades fair and square. I could always try harder, put more time into studying, but that mean taking time away from being me. I wont let school interfere with me living my life. The most important part of this philosophy is that I still love learning. Grades can only be so important, but it's the lesson that you take away, the ones that stick with you, that really count. That IS what I'm paying for.

I am paying for a lot these days actually. School, living, life lessons. I have found one in particular to be the most valuable, partly because it has been the most expensive. I just had my last court take for my physical control. My license is suspended until March. And I owe my lawyer a college kid's fortune. Not to mention fees, court costs, reinstatement fee...very valuable lesson indeed. There are positives. I don't drink as much. I save money that way, calories, and my health in general. It's helped me quit smoking too. This hasn't been the only factor in me cleaning up my act though.

I am 22 now. That last of my early 20's. If I could freeze myself in age or drink from the fountain of youth it would right now. I'm in my prime as I define it. Young, but experienced. Stilling having faith in the world I live in, but wise to its tricks. The only part I struggle with is being at the age where innocence must be left behind, and the hard decisions have to be made. I have no idea what this degree I am working so hard for is going to bring me. I don't know what I want to do with my life. A cliche worry, I know, but it plagues me, in the back of my mind. Business has taught me that you are supposed to discover what it is that you can best at, better than anyone else, and pursue that. Because that is the thing that will make you successful. It stems from passion. But I have not discovered what I am best suited for. I am hoping it falls into my lap. Basically I am putting my faith into fate. My destiny will find me!

In the meantime, I go to school and work my two jobs. I am able to support myself which is gratifying. Serving is getting hard to bear, but it keeps me afloat and it certainly is not boring. It is time though to leave my high school job. I have worked for Bob Evans for almost six years. Quite a feat, but not something to brag about by any means. It is hard though, to let go of something you have had for so long. Never thought I would say that about Bobs, but the realization has hit and I can't get it off of my mind. I am leaving it in good hands though. My sister still works there, as well as my mom, and just recently my brother. My baby brother has the same first job I had. I wish him luck.  I know he will do great.

I miss my friends. After school and two jobs the time for them is pretty limited. Most of them are on the same page though. We are all busy as turn into grownups. I take comfort in knowing they're still around, and the times I do get to see them are always like old times. I am careful about keeping them around. I know they are there should I ever need a shoulder to lean on. I hope they know I have an equally sturdy shoulder to lend should one of them ever be in need.

I find myself spending a great deal of my time with a particular friend. He is much more than that actually because I love him. Being in love is a wonderful feeling, but a scary one at the same time. I wasn't looking for it by any means, but it found me. I feel like I had no choice in the matter. Because if I did I would have refused it. I should be focused on myself and achieving the goals I have set for myself. But he is the world to me, and I would do anything for him. That's scary part. We aren't even exclusive. One of the little barriers I try to set up for myself. It doesn't matter, I am hooked. But I am happy, so it can't be bad. It is just another example of me being...not your typical girl, afraid to commit? I am leaving the country with him, Germany and Paris. It's like something that happens in romance novels or a dream. And because I'm living a dream, and I'm in love, I am the luckiest girl in the world right now. I hope it all goes well though. It's now after 3am, I have an exam tomorrow, and I have not even started packing.

And on that note, I must retire for my big day tomorrow. I, as always, have more to say, but never the time to say it. I feel accomplished for getting even a fraction down. These posts are most likely the first few chapters of my memoir, and I would like to have as much down as possible before I forget. Sweet Dreams.

Bad Day

I studied so hard for my accounting exam, I was sure I was a master of the art walking in. By the time I walked out of my exam, I had to run for fear of someone seeing me cry. It was like I had studied the wrong subject for three days. I held it together. Threw back some whiskey to make the disappointment go away. But it was all over when I got a message from my baby brother: "keep you're head up. look past the schooling and just enjoy the life you were given #smile!". I want to take his advice so bad.

Take it in Strides

I am 21 years old and had a enough relationships by now to know what I am looking for...right now.

I did the long term, committed relationship first. We were young, it seemed perfect. I was sure I was going to marry my high school sweet heart like in some preteen fantasy novel. But this relationship stopped working when I realized that there was only one place we could go from where we were (me 21, him 23 and practically married already), and that was the last place I wanted to be. So I said goodbye to my first love. I set out on the path of being single. But this is not the first time, I had my first go at singlehood after my first huge life transition, moving out of my parents house.

At age 19 I wanted to try being single. I was young and inexperienced. I was new to college life and I had to see what was out there. This meant really entering the dating game for the first time. Unfortunately "the game" for a 19 year girl is difficult. The best players have a lot of practice. I was brand new. That was the year that I learned men that try to get in your pants on the first encounter are done being interested once you let them in. Yep, had a few of those let downs. Looking back on it now, I cannot believe I thought any one one of those guys had an interest in me other than my vagina. They really aren't hard to spot, and usually have nothing intelligent to say. That was first valuable lesson learned; spot the rogue. They weren't all bad of course. There were a couple that stuck around. One in particular really influenced me and who I am today. I was still 19 and he was 24 and I worshiped him. He listened to the best music, and had the greatest free-love ideas. His dad lived and worked in New Zealand, a country I couldn't even locate on a map. All of this influence on me, I was his puppet. But he never wanted to call our relationship anything. We were just...together. Next lesson learned. It's easier to let something go if you don't form an attachment, don't give it a title. I was crushed, but surprisingly the titleless relationship was easy for me to lose too. Today I see that relationship as a introduction to a world I had not known. He was one of the few that taught me something I could take through life.

There weren't many after him before I got fed up with men. I came to the conclusion that I had been with a man that I loved, and there might not be anyone else out there that could love me back like my first did. So I went back. We had a great year. It is amazing how fast we fell into our old rhythm. I felt comfortable, safe, at home. Too comfortable, too familiar. It took me 1 year to remember again why I left. But this time I had a real epiphany. I don't want to be with anyone. I am too young, these relationships don't work because, male or female, no one really knows what they want at 21. So why worry about it? My philosophy as it stands: get in a serious relationship when you are ready for that relationship to last forever because being committed takes a lot of work. But it is worth it if you want that. I'm not trying to disrespect anyone who has a fully functional relationship. It just doesn't work for a person like me, determined to carve my own path out of this earth. I mean, my biggest concerns at this time are making it to class on time and who you can get to buy my next drink. Ladies and Gentlemen, do yourself a favor and give the early years to yourself. Once they're gone they're gone, unless you plan on rejoining "the game" at age 40 after some messy divorced to some person you thought you loved. I hear it's rough out there past age 32.

My theory doesn't account for the fact that we are human, and instinctively we look for a mate. This is my current challenge. I thought I had it all figured out, until a boy came along. And  I like this boy very much. But he threatens all of my plans. I want to be thinking about myself, and not getting mixed up in a love game. It came down to fight off a relationship or fighting in one, so I let my heart take the reigns. It can't be helped. I can't control these emotions. And he makes me happy so why not? That is the ultimate goal in life right? To be happy? The way I see it, that is the bare necessity, our will to survive can be seen simply as being happy. So I caved, and let myself fall in love again, but with a new idea on how to go about it.

I put a restriction on it. I am not your girlfriend. Surprisingly he was okay with that. I don't know why I was surprised considering men are usually the ones with commitment issues. But why can't we just hang out and be together without a label? Because society says otherwise. That has been the biggest hurdle. People want to fit others into categories to simplify life, but the reality is that there is no simple solution to trials of being human. Further more, this is my second longest running relationship. Whether this is a healthy thing, I haven't figured that out yet. It works for me. I don't feel caged in, which helps with my fear of commitment. I'm not trying to get a marriage proposal out of him. I figure as long as we make each other happy we will be together. When that stops being the case, we shake hands and walk away. Doesn't that sound nice? It is, but it is a work in progress. The lines as I see them get blurred, and we both don't know how to put them back. But without the pressures of a typical relationship we have an easier time dealing with our problems. He is great guy, and it has been fun getting to know him. Where the future is concerned, I'll just let fate run its course and not ask any questions.

To sum it all up: Live your life the way you see fit, and do what makes YOU happy. The people that stick around are the ones who were in it for you in the first place.

School Starts, and My Life Begins Again

It's the end of September and school is back in session. This is my very favorite time of year. It feels great to have a purpose again; to be working for something other money. School means a lot of things for me. It is when i discipline myself into a routine that suits the lifestyle I aspire to lead.  I'm not sure why that has to fall apart every summer, but it does. I get back into the habit of eating healthy, moving around, reading the paper, etc. Basically it's about being back in the sophisticated "loop" if you will. To add to image, I got some new glasses today. Now I look smart, feel smart, and am doing smart things. I feel like this is the real reason I have been so unhappy these past couple weeks. I just wasn't feeling good about myself anymore.

Of course there is always trouble in paradise for this girl. She definitely never leads a perfect life. I lost my debit card again. Which is always a nightmare. It gives me an excuse to use my credit card, but I never end up paying it back like I planned. Hence $2500 in credit card debit. Could be worse I guess.

There is also a household conflict on my mind. I live with my sister, which I love. Love Love Love. Jackie and I are so much a like, but different in all the right ways. We have been getting along great. Then there's Megan, Jackie's friend from high school. A third girl roommate. I knew this was trouble from the start, but since Jackie is afraid of confrontation nothing was ever done about it. Girls just don't work well in threes. We need allies to scheme with and bitch to. Megan has no one on her side, and  I feel bad for her. It's not like we are bad roommates. I keep the house exceedingly clean, and I have all of my own groceries, and I always try to be courteous and kind. But she is definitely angry for some reason. I feel like she set herself up for failure in our house. Trust is huge. It's an important part of any relationship with another person. Some people say I am overly trusting, but honestly I would rather give people a chance than assume everyone's out to screw me over. I want to believe that people are good. It hasn't failed me yet. This is not the case with our sad 3rd roommate. She put a key lock on her door day one, and that is where she stays. Locked in her like a teenager pouting at dinner. It's sad because we could be such a happy family if she just let go of her anger. Instead she sends angry texts and tweets and never directly addresses the problem. Jackie is the same way...I don't know how they didn't scratch each other's eyes out last year when they lived with 2 other girls. Luckily for the house I wont let that happen. I can't go on like this, it's like living with a stranger. I'm gonna say something to Megan, and I want her to just let it all out. Scream at the top of her lungs, cuss me out, punch a hole in the wall. Anything to relieve the pent up hate she harbors. Then we can begin to heal, and fix the problems. That is the only way conflict is ever solved. I'm just fortunate enough to have learned to swallow my pride and skip the brooding phase of being angry. It feels bad to carry the weight of hate around.

Other than Megan's rage, the house is nice. Beautiful, with a homey, happy decor..if I do say so myself (I decorated of course). We have a pretty communal living situation actually. Megan, Jackie, and I all have significant others, some more serious than others. Mike, Megan's boyfriend is our half 4th roommate. He is there Thursday- Sunday. Then Katelyn is our other half 4th roommate staying with me in my room Sunday-Tuesday. Then Mark, Jackie's beau is there a few nights a week. And Dominic..not there as much because I am sharing a room but he still has a tooth brush and a happy presence in the house as well. I don't mind having all of these people around. They're all great. We haven't had an issue with keeping things clean, or stuff being broken/misplaced. Maybe this is just me trusting everyone again, but as long as these people do me no wrong, they add to the excitement of living on campus. Considering all of these positive aspects of the house, I have faith in the eventual success of our Summit Street Dwelling, and can't wait to enjoy spending time with my communal family. 

Just to touch on some of the other turmoil I've been dealing with, my OVI got dropped to a Physical Control. Which is at least a 0 point offense on my license. I have to do a weekend drug and alcohol program, but I'm staying positive about that one. Hoping to learn a few things. After that it's just minimum fines and a 6 month license suspension (with privileges, and it already started even though I have my license until December). I get sentenced 3 days before I leave for Germany, and the first day of exam week. More than anything this has been an intolerable expense, and a great learning experience. My first goal is to move to a city where I can always walk home, and roll my car off a cliff.

Still dealing with apartment bullshit, which has been my biggest pain in the ass these days. I just don't want to worry about it anymore. My friends are being helpful for the most part. Steve came down and got all of his stuff out. Now it's just Lance and Justin, mostly Justin, but that was anticipated. Some kids never grow up, and that's okay, but at least learn to walk without someone holding your hand. Then I will know you can make it. After that I am going to have a knew policy for handling things of this nature. I will never again be solely response for anything that involves paying me money. It is not an issue of trust, it's just an inconvenience and a liability and I'm not doing it again.

And now that I have spend an hour writing this blog instead of doing the school work that i was SO EXCITED to do..because it's fall again..and I love school. Yay. I need to stop. The darker it gets the less productive I become. End.

HELP ME!

My plate consists of:

1. starting school, but having to drop half of my classes to pay for
2. My physical control charge, which I got on Labor Day weekend because I was speeding after I left the bar (and I only consumed a beer and a half). This is costing me $3,500 of money I don't have and a lot of time. I have to a drug intervention program, where I stay in a hotel for a weekend. I have to pay a $400 fine plus court costs, and I have to pay my lawyer $500 a month.
3. I also moved into my campus house recently. This place costs more than my last, and is never clean/ I haven't really been able to enjoy it because I don't have time to.
4. My last apartment was supposed to be taken care of my friends, but because NO ONE has their act together, no one is living there but I still have to take care of rent, internet, and electric. For 2 more months because I didn't give 60 days notice of leaving. My father is going to try to take care of it for me, but there is stuff in there from 3 different people that aren't around. Sorry guys, but get it out or it's gonna get pitched.
5. I am treasurer/fundraiser of Students for Recycling. We have a huge event coming up but I haven't been in contact with anyone because I broke my second phone in one month. my Crackberry non-the-less.
6. No one is helping because no one can help me. It is all my problem and my live feels dismal. This is quite possibly the hardest time in my life. I have no money, no time, no words of wisdom. Friends, do not think your support goes unappreciated. It helps to talk about things, but the problems don't go away, and they are all my own. No one can really relate.

I just don't understand how I got myself into this situation. I am constantly trying to be a good person. To do the right thing. And help anyone out who needs it. I'm sure this is all happening for a reason. A good one. I just hope I was meant to survive this turmoil, not be broken from it. This is my true test of spirit. And I don't know if I am overcoming the challenge. I feel defeated.