I Need It

I need a car. I have been living without one for 2 months. I need to know that I am in the place I am because I choose to be there. I don't like being left behind. I don't like being dependent on people. I don't like feeling like every choice I make is based on others, and not purely what I want. Because I am a firm believer in "do what makes you happy", and if I am deciding what do based on other people then I am not doing what makes me happy, I am focused on we. I need we, I love we, but we will mean more to me when I know I have satisfied me first. Try to understand. You are no different.  The car, though material and seemingly insignificant, means I can come and go as I please. And I need to feel like I control that.  As usual, this experience has taught me something about myself. I need to be independent. 

Jotting Some Thoughts

I wish I could write poetry. I wish the English language wasn't losing value to text abbrev iations and social network status's. I wish I could express these feelings. I wish I could see the future, and see that all of my worrying is for nothing. I wish someone would tell me what to do next. I am worried.

I want to grow up, but I don't want to leave my old friends behind. I want to be successful, but I don't know how. I want to have an amazing job, but I don't know what my talent is. I want to a good girlfriend, but I don't know how. I am worried.

What is going to happen? Will I accomplish all of the things I want? Will I ever figure out what my place is in this world? Will I ever grow up? Is it possible not to worry about what will happen next? How do I know what is forever? Is there a forever?

I want to disappear. And reappear, as someone no one recognizes. And I will be happy. Because I accomplished what I set out to achieve.

Having Oscar

About a week ago, I adopted a new responsibility into my life. Don't ask me why. You would think two jobs, full-time school, and a boyfriend would be enough, but I like to see how this I can stretch myself before I crash and burn...No that is not true. I just wanted something to love, that loves me back unconditionally. Never in a million years did I think I would get some kind of value out of raising a puppy, but having a puppy is strikingly like having a baby.

I cannot believe the comparisons I can make between my little dotson mutt and a new born baby. The first night we brought him home he was so scared. He cried until I put him in bed with me. In the morning we tried to go outside, didn't quite make it, but accidents happen. And he is so small the outside is terrifying to him. Every morning he has to get used to it all over again. At first I had to feed him warm dog food. He wouldn't eat by himself, but now I think he's got it down. He cries all night. I am currently cage training him. It is difficult, but you just have to let them cry, or some I am told. Even though all I want to do is put him in bed with me. Along with crying he gets up in the middle of the night to play! I do not play at 3am pup. He is always ready to go in the morning. The rest of his day are continuous cycles of sleeping, playing, peeing, and sleeping. The best part about Oscar is that he always wants to be held. He doesn't sleep on the floor, or the couch, or the cage. If he wants to go to sleep he crawls up my legs like a baby lifting his arms, and says "hold me" with his little cries. As I pick him up, he curls up in my arms and falls right to sleep. This has made homework a challenge this week, but I don't really mind because he loves me and I love that he loves me. 

Behavior of Oscar is not the only part of this experience that makes me feel like I just had a baby. The interaction with people has changed. I feel like I don't get any attention anymore, it's all about my puppy. They love him when he sleeps or plays, but I am called when he cries and needs to be taken outside. I have to ask people to "babysit" him because if you don't watch over him carefully he will reek havoc. When people talk about him I find myself getting really defensive. And I am constantly trying to protect him. When friends come over they rave about the new puppy, and hold him, and tell me how cute he is.

I find myself relating to friends who also have pets on a whole new level. One of my best friends just got a puppy a few weeks ago. I have asked him tons of questions about bath time, how long they cry, what playing is like, etc. Oscar met another friend of mine's big puppy, and they played together despite the size and age difference. Us moms just sat back and laughed, trying to gauge how well they were actually getting along. It is nice talking to people who are going through the same things I am and have advice to give. I am a new parent after all.    

I think the most perplexing part of this whole thing is how my relationship with my boyfriend has changed. He doesn't want any responsibility. He makes it very clear that this is my dog. He helps take care of Oscar though. And I think of it as a partnership. If I am mom, then Dominic is definitely dad. We both worry about what the puppy is doing, who should take him out, and who's turn it is to hold him or calm him down if he is crying. We don't have time to ourselves anymore. It's always about Oscar. Even when we are by ourselves we talk about the dog. And we spend so much time thinking about Oscar that we don't think about each other. We haven't had sex once since we got him. I hate it actually. I'm not ready to have this adult kind of relationship where mom and dad's purpose in life changes to adapt a child. The priorities are all wrong, and I don't see them changing as long as we have this puppy. It's changed how I feel about him as a boyfriend. It just feels all too real, too fast, too soon...

Needless to say, having a puppy has made a bigger change in my life than I ever anticipated. I am still shocked at how much this reminds me of having a baby. But I'm happy to know I can give this baby away without compromising any of my morals. I have not changed my life forever by adding a dog, only temporarily. And now I understand more than ever why I do not have a child yet, and why I do not want one for a very long time. Because once you have a baby, there is no going back. Your life changes meaning, you have a new purpose, forever.

My birth control is in the form of an adorable puppy named Oscar.

Until the Next Breakdown

It's kinda funny to observe myself. Right now is a time of despair. I have no money. My bills are going to collections. I cannot even afford school anymore, my one and only hope to eventually pull myself out of this rut. So that one day I can get a good job making good money, and look back at this time as a "character building experience". You wouldn't know it if you were to run into me on the street. I put up a nice front. The only people that really know how much I am struggling right now are my parents and my boyfriend. I don't like to talk about it. No one cares. No one can help me. And when I do talk about it, I build up some kind of hope in my mind that someone will help me.

No one is going to help me. I am not special. There are people much worse off.

So I carry this burden with me. Knowing I am drowning, but keeping up a facade that everything is fine. I am the same smart, independent, strong-willed person I have always been. I go out, I make people food, I smile. But something will push me over the edge. To the point where I can't take it anymore. That is where I am found myself this morning.

I had an exam today. Thank goodness I was able to concentrate on that. Not the case in my other classes. I am incapable of hearing a lesson when my mind is brimming with worries. I tried working out. It felt great for that 1 hour that I was at the gym. But as soon as I left my head is filled with remorse once again. It would be okay if I could just talk to someone about it. But I have the image to maintain. I don't need people yawning at my problems thinking in their heads "would you like some whine with that cheese?" or that I am some kind of killjoy.

The only thing left to do is sob. Silent tears so no one can hear. It is the only way to get it out. It doesn't solve the problem, but at least I feel better. This is where I stopped to take a look at myself. Sitting alone at my kitchen table, eating cottage cheese in my workout clothes, crying like a baby. The only thought running through my head, "I'll just go. Leave everything behind. They can sell my stuff and pay off what debt they can, but by the time they realize nothing is there, I will have disappeared. Where I go doesn't really matter, just to be lost would be enough." But this scene cannot go on too long, and before long I snap out of it. My only real option is to keep going...

And I will. I always do. I will go take a shower, do my hair, go to class. Figure out how to survive another week. No one has to know about my silly little woes. And I just enjoy the false satisfaction of my own illusion, that everything is okay.

Checking In

I haven't blogged in ages, and Wednesday December 8th at 2:30am seemed like a good time to put some thoughts down.

The quarter is wrapping up, and as hard as I've tried I am not getting the A's I strive for. My only comfort is that I have tried really hard, so at least I know I've earned these grades fair and square. I could always try harder, put more time into studying, but that mean taking time away from being me. I wont let school interfere with me living my life. The most important part of this philosophy is that I still love learning. Grades can only be so important, but it's the lesson that you take away, the ones that stick with you, that really count. That IS what I'm paying for.

I am paying for a lot these days actually. School, living, life lessons. I have found one in particular to be the most valuable, partly because it has been the most expensive. I just had my last court take for my physical control. My license is suspended until March. And I owe my lawyer a college kid's fortune. Not to mention fees, court costs, reinstatement fee...very valuable lesson indeed. There are positives. I don't drink as much. I save money that way, calories, and my health in general. It's helped me quit smoking too. This hasn't been the only factor in me cleaning up my act though.

I am 22 now. That last of my early 20's. If I could freeze myself in age or drink from the fountain of youth it would right now. I'm in my prime as I define it. Young, but experienced. Stilling having faith in the world I live in, but wise to its tricks. The only part I struggle with is being at the age where innocence must be left behind, and the hard decisions have to be made. I have no idea what this degree I am working so hard for is going to bring me. I don't know what I want to do with my life. A cliche worry, I know, but it plagues me, in the back of my mind. Business has taught me that you are supposed to discover what it is that you can best at, better than anyone else, and pursue that. Because that is the thing that will make you successful. It stems from passion. But I have not discovered what I am best suited for. I am hoping it falls into my lap. Basically I am putting my faith into fate. My destiny will find me!

In the meantime, I go to school and work my two jobs. I am able to support myself which is gratifying. Serving is getting hard to bear, but it keeps me afloat and it certainly is not boring. It is time though to leave my high school job. I have worked for Bob Evans for almost six years. Quite a feat, but not something to brag about by any means. It is hard though, to let go of something you have had for so long. Never thought I would say that about Bobs, but the realization has hit and I can't get it off of my mind. I am leaving it in good hands though. My sister still works there, as well as my mom, and just recently my brother. My baby brother has the same first job I had. I wish him luck.  I know he will do great.

I miss my friends. After school and two jobs the time for them is pretty limited. Most of them are on the same page though. We are all busy as turn into grownups. I take comfort in knowing they're still around, and the times I do get to see them are always like old times. I am careful about keeping them around. I know they are there should I ever need a shoulder to lean on. I hope they know I have an equally sturdy shoulder to lend should one of them ever be in need.

I find myself spending a great deal of my time with a particular friend. He is much more than that actually because I love him. Being in love is a wonderful feeling, but a scary one at the same time. I wasn't looking for it by any means, but it found me. I feel like I had no choice in the matter. Because if I did I would have refused it. I should be focused on myself and achieving the goals I have set for myself. But he is the world to me, and I would do anything for him. That's scary part. We aren't even exclusive. One of the little barriers I try to set up for myself. It doesn't matter, I am hooked. But I am happy, so it can't be bad. It is just another example of me being...not your typical girl, afraid to commit? I am leaving the country with him, Germany and Paris. It's like something that happens in romance novels or a dream. And because I'm living a dream, and I'm in love, I am the luckiest girl in the world right now. I hope it all goes well though. It's now after 3am, I have an exam tomorrow, and I have not even started packing.

And on that note, I must retire for my big day tomorrow. I, as always, have more to say, but never the time to say it. I feel accomplished for getting even a fraction down. These posts are most likely the first few chapters of my memoir, and I would like to have as much down as possible before I forget. Sweet Dreams.

Bad Day

I studied so hard for my accounting exam, I was sure I was a master of the art walking in. By the time I walked out of my exam, I had to run for fear of someone seeing me cry. It was like I had studied the wrong subject for three days. I held it together. Threw back some whiskey to make the disappointment go away. But it was all over when I got a message from my baby brother: "keep you're head up. look past the schooling and just enjoy the life you were given #smile!". I want to take his advice so bad.

Take it in Strides

I am 21 years old and had a enough relationships by now to know what I am looking for...right now.

I did the long term, committed relationship first. We were young, it seemed perfect. I was sure I was going to marry my high school sweet heart like in some preteen fantasy novel. But this relationship stopped working when I realized that there was only one place we could go from where we were (me 21, him 23 and practically married already), and that was the last place I wanted to be. So I said goodbye to my first love. I set out on the path of being single. But this is not the first time, I had my first go at singlehood after my first huge life transition, moving out of my parents house.

At age 19 I wanted to try being single. I was young and inexperienced. I was new to college life and I had to see what was out there. This meant really entering the dating game for the first time. Unfortunately "the game" for a 19 year girl is difficult. The best players have a lot of practice. I was brand new. That was the year that I learned men that try to get in your pants on the first encounter are done being interested once you let them in. Yep, had a few of those let downs. Looking back on it now, I cannot believe I thought any one one of those guys had an interest in me other than my vagina. They really aren't hard to spot, and usually have nothing intelligent to say. That was first valuable lesson learned; spot the rogue. They weren't all bad of course. There were a couple that stuck around. One in particular really influenced me and who I am today. I was still 19 and he was 24 and I worshiped him. He listened to the best music, and had the greatest free-love ideas. His dad lived and worked in New Zealand, a country I couldn't even locate on a map. All of this influence on me, I was his puppet. But he never wanted to call our relationship anything. We were just...together. Next lesson learned. It's easier to let something go if you don't form an attachment, don't give it a title. I was crushed, but surprisingly the titleless relationship was easy for me to lose too. Today I see that relationship as a introduction to a world I had not known. He was one of the few that taught me something I could take through life.

There weren't many after him before I got fed up with men. I came to the conclusion that I had been with a man that I loved, and there might not be anyone else out there that could love me back like my first did. So I went back. We had a great year. It is amazing how fast we fell into our old rhythm. I felt comfortable, safe, at home. Too comfortable, too familiar. It took me 1 year to remember again why I left. But this time I had a real epiphany. I don't want to be with anyone. I am too young, these relationships don't work because, male or female, no one really knows what they want at 21. So why worry about it? My philosophy as it stands: get in a serious relationship when you are ready for that relationship to last forever because being committed takes a lot of work. But it is worth it if you want that. I'm not trying to disrespect anyone who has a fully functional relationship. It just doesn't work for a person like me, determined to carve my own path out of this earth. I mean, my biggest concerns at this time are making it to class on time and who you can get to buy my next drink. Ladies and Gentlemen, do yourself a favor and give the early years to yourself. Once they're gone they're gone, unless you plan on rejoining "the game" at age 40 after some messy divorced to some person you thought you loved. I hear it's rough out there past age 32.

My theory doesn't account for the fact that we are human, and instinctively we look for a mate. This is my current challenge. I thought I had it all figured out, until a boy came along. And  I like this boy very much. But he threatens all of my plans. I want to be thinking about myself, and not getting mixed up in a love game. It came down to fight off a relationship or fighting in one, so I let my heart take the reigns. It can't be helped. I can't control these emotions. And he makes me happy so why not? That is the ultimate goal in life right? To be happy? The way I see it, that is the bare necessity, our will to survive can be seen simply as being happy. So I caved, and let myself fall in love again, but with a new idea on how to go about it.

I put a restriction on it. I am not your girlfriend. Surprisingly he was okay with that. I don't know why I was surprised considering men are usually the ones with commitment issues. But why can't we just hang out and be together without a label? Because society says otherwise. That has been the biggest hurdle. People want to fit others into categories to simplify life, but the reality is that there is no simple solution to trials of being human. Further more, this is my second longest running relationship. Whether this is a healthy thing, I haven't figured that out yet. It works for me. I don't feel caged in, which helps with my fear of commitment. I'm not trying to get a marriage proposal out of him. I figure as long as we make each other happy we will be together. When that stops being the case, we shake hands and walk away. Doesn't that sound nice? It is, but it is a work in progress. The lines as I see them get blurred, and we both don't know how to put them back. But without the pressures of a typical relationship we have an easier time dealing with our problems. He is great guy, and it has been fun getting to know him. Where the future is concerned, I'll just let fate run its course and not ask any questions.

To sum it all up: Live your life the way you see fit, and do what makes YOU happy. The people that stick around are the ones who were in it for you in the first place.