Feel Better Please

I am generally a happy person. Positive attitude, healthy smile. But when life gets me down I tend to dwell on it. So I end up stuck in a sad place and I hate what it does to me mind and body. I have this bad habit where anytime something bad happens or I hit a wave of depression, I start adding up everything that is going wrong in my head. It's like I have this guest list of problems and they're all invited to Emily's Pity Party. Usually I tough it out. Get drunk or high and forget about them. By the time the next day rolls around I am in my happy mood again and my list of problems goes out the window. Sounds great, but it's not. They always catch up with me sooner or later. So I want to list out everything that is bothering me. This way I can remember, and work on each one. Maybe this will work for me. Maybe I have thought of a healthy way of dealing with life's little heartaches that doesn't involve getting trashed and wondering the streets (or wherever) in a drunken stupor. Other I will probably just sob uncontrollably during Steve's visit and I've been looking forward to this for too long to let it go down like that. So here it is..

1. Finances. I work 2 jobs, but I support myself, I got to Ohio state and pay for 1/3 of that (plus books and coffee), I got a little travel happy this year, not to mention my drinking problem, etc. I don't think I am going to have enough money for this year. What if I actually can't come up with the money?

2. Time cards. I have many friends, and I love them all. Each one brings something to my life that I treasure. But with the 2 jobs and everything mentioned above there just isn't enough time in the world to hang out with them all. Because they don't all get along. I have an eclectic circle of friends. One just got of surgery to remove cancer. I haven't even called him.  Then there's my Not-Boyfriend who takes neglect pretty well. I attribute that to the fact that he's not my boy friend. But I still miss him, and wish I could keep him in my pocket so he was around anytime I needed a special friend or a good lay. Lastly, sadly, me. I don't have anytime for me. Zero. And that was actually something I was supposed to be working on. Getting enjoyment out of being alone. How can I give everyone what they want, and why should I be upset about so many people wanting to hang out with me?

3. Friend Problems. And speaking of friends. One of mine is doing coke again. And bringing down several of my other friends with him. This friend just had a heart attack age 22. What do I do? Can I do anything? Probably not. But I can't just sit back and watch them do it. I think coke is a terrible, ugly, shady, awful drug. Do I abandon those friends that support a habit that I have such a problem with?

4..... well.. I honestly don't feel like going on. This is just depressing.

I hammered the big ones out. And I do feel a little better. Now my favorite person in the whole world is on his way to my house. I am going to buck up and have a good time. And if I do cry, hopefully they are just tears of joy. I had more to say but please refer to problem number to if you want to know what I can't continue. The phone is buzzing off the hook next to me and I lost my train of thought.

Holden Beach Health Spa

My little family beach vacation has done wonders for me and it's only been a day. There are so many benefits to taking a vacation that we should probably be prescribed two get-aways per year. The beach in particular is psychological recharge plus the added benefit of being at nature's best health spa. I'm getting plenty of Vitamin D from all the sun exposure. My skin is silky smooth from being pelted by sand in the waves. And my finger and toe nail have never been so polished. I've managed to maintain a steady diet of fruits and vegetables. Plus I've been running on the beach, and walking everywhere else. The beach, hands down the most rewarding vacation one can take. People have been doing it for hundreds of years. The English used to actually be prescribed by their doctor's to spend weeks in Bath, a small vacation spot where the sick could rest and recover on the coast.  They believed it was something in the salty air. I'm going to return home with a new appreciation for living that will get me through the daily grind with a brighter smile.

Figuring out the Why?

I have this friend. We are a bit more than friends, but ultimately I value his friendship first an foremost. He is smart and funny and thoughtful. I enjoy the time we spend together. But sometimes we don't get along. We bicker. And it's frustrating. And I can't figure out why we can be happy together one minute, to me wanting to throw him out of the car the next. It has been happening more now than in the beginning when we were first getting to know each other. The only explanation I can come up with is that I'm getting scared. Because I don't know where this relationship is going. I am happy recognizing us as simply "existing". But the fact of the matter is we have become quite close. Label or no label we have hit a new point in our relationship. I left my last one because I didn't want to worry about another person's happiness. I want to worry about my own. And I want to be sure that the choices I make are ones leading me toward accomplishing my goals. So this new closeness is getting to my subconscious. She's worried that I am getting wrapped up in something that will detract me from path to success. And I challenge it. I'm looking for faults where there are none. Serious ones at least. We are both pretty bullheaded. We both have strong opinions and when they clash we get defensive. I don't want to battle my friend. I don't like to fight. Really he makes me happy. That is what I should be focusing on. I feel pretty fortunate to have found someone that prefers the truth. So that at least when he angers me he can see it, and he calls me out on it. I'm the kind of person that has to have everything out in the open. When all cards are on the table its easier to figure out the next best move. And if it's something hard to hear, at least getting over it comes faster.
I wanted to write this out so I could piece my thoughts into an explanation. Now that I think I have it figured out, I think I know what I need to do. Stop worrying about someone trying to get close to you. You need someone that will be there for you. Even if you are Miss Independent. Everyone needs a friend sometimes. So problems are just too big to shoulder by yourself, so let this person who is willing to listen and wants to help be apart of your life. And stop worrying about where it is going because that really doesn't matter. You can turn and run, but you've already been that direction. Life's too short to waist time walking backwards. Everything will fall into place. It always does.

Live day by day, and do what makes you happy.

Finished!

I am done with my fast. A bit early, but I by the end of day 8 I felt I had accomplished my goal of proving that I could fast for 10 days, and I felt the healthiest I have been in years. I lost a total of 12 lbs, had tons of energy, and a new appreciation for food. I realize now the importance of food as a life sustaining necessity to our daily lives. Food gives us the energy to get through the day. It is the fuel that our body uses to move, think, process. Having this new perspective has really opened my eyes to the importance of putting the right foods into my body.

It really comes back to the proverb "you are what you eat". So given the choice between a slice of pizza and a garden salad, what is going to benefit you the most? The slice of pizza has zero living qualities about it. It is heavy, full of sugar and fat, and what few vegetables that might be on there have had all the nutrients cooked out of it. The salad is fresh, uncooked, green and crisp. The fact that is still has water in it makes it healthier, and still having the properties of a living thing. The bright colors of the vegetables scream "I am full of nutrients" that your body can actually use to drive your body. It makes sense, a person, living entity, needs food to give it energy. So what is going to give you the most energy? Food that also once needed energy to live. And the closer that food is to living, the more energy giving nutrients it is going to have! Yay, what an epiphany I have had.

I am not, by any means, saying that you cannot indulge. A good portion of eating is enjoyment. Eating is social, fun, exciting. One of the things I missed, and the reason I ended my fast, is the social aspect of sharing a meal. Breaking bread if you will. The idea has been around for centuries. If the Bible is your thing, that is the perfect example. Meal time is sacred, a time when you can gather in a circle. It is a time of sharing (sharing life giving food). Oh, how I missed dining with my family. Plus, in our highly evolved society, we have created 1000's of ways to prepare food. Our pallets have definitely expand since the time when our internal organs where developing. We are born with the ability to register five tastes, but humans have created a way of combining these tastes into amazing, flavorful gourmet dishes. And they aren't always the healthiest. Because fat and sweets have the ability of sticking with you longer (stored as fat for later use). Something our ancestors really needed because in their time these things were scarce. Our brains developed a particular fondness for these tastes because humans needed to be attracted to them. The key here is scarcity. Once in awhile. Today the fatty, sweet foods are found EVERYWHERE. In fact, they have become a primary part of our diet. On the flip side, our internal organs have not changed that much from the original design of the first homo sapiens. We have bodies adapted for eating lots of plant matter and the occasional fatty piece of meat,  but our diet today contains mostly fat, with a little bit of vegetables. And all of the excess energy we consume gets stored... as fat. And so is born the obesity epidemic taking the world by storm.

What can be done? Educate people. They need to understand what food is really for. It has a greater purpose than giving us pleasure. The happiness you get from a tasty indulgence is short lived. The energy you are supposed to be getting from this food is what determines what the rest of your day will be like. So start your day off right with healthy fruit or even a salad, and you will see the difference it makes. Maybe then it will be easier to pass up that slice of pizza for lunch.    

To conclude my assessment of my fasting experiment. It is the best thing I have ever done for myself. I hope to do it again soon. I would like to make it habit because I think it is important. It has changed how I plan to live my life. A have not figured out what approach I will take to my diet, but I know it will be full of raw fruits and vegetables. I do have big plans full of great success, and I am going to need a diet that drives my body to accomplish that.

Day 3

Again, a little late with this post, but better late than never. My 2 fans said they are happy to wait anyway.

Day 3, so my research said, would be the hardest day to get through. As it turns out, it was. The headaches started to set in, and the reality of my situation came to terms all at once. I am not eating food. for 10 days. by my own choice. No one really cares if I succeed or fail. No one really wants to hear me wine. I am solo on this mission. I have some supporters, don't get me wrong. Some close friends cheering me on. I have noticed an interesting trend of my gentleman friends being the most supportive, with my family in the middle, and my girl friends not supportive at all. They are waiting for me to fail so that I will do the fun things we used to do like get lunch, or get trashed. Or they just want me to fail because heaven for bid I lose some weight by doing something so simple (in strategy, not endurance).

I do need to recap this day, as a little explanation as to why I thought it was so hard. First off, it was my day off. I had all day to think about food, and how I can't eat it. Second, Throughout the whole day I only managed to make time for two real nutritious juices, so by 8pm I was about to shoot someone. Especially because (third) it was my mother's birthday and they were serving steak, baked potato, salad, and french bread with olive oil. Cake? of course there was cake. Red Velvet cake. I was like WTF? They ALWAYS get Dairy Queen Ice Cream Cake. Which I don't like anyway, but the birthday that I have sworn off food they get something good. Unbelievable. I could handle that though. I just sat there while they ate their five star meal and I drank my juice. Trying to keep the bitterness at bay. I would say I am pretty freaking good at that considering (forth) my sister/co-juicer was eating steak and salad right across from me. I guess I'm the winner in the end... I froze a steak and a slice of cake, so I will get mine in a week or two. The last part of my day consisted of going to a party. Where everyone was drinking and smoking, and I waaas not. Some party. I left after an hour, thinking to myself "why on earth did you think you would have a good time at a party where people were getting fucked up, the exact EXACT opposite of anything you were trying to do." Silly girl. Always learns the hard way.

I have learned to embrace any support I get, but to remember that I am doing this for me and me alone. I believe this is a healthy move. Something my body will thank me for. Because I'm not gonna lie; despite the fact that I pride myself on not eating fast food and being "healthy", I am far from it. I drink every night, I eat shitty food, and I smoke whatever is in front of me because that's the cool thing to do. Nope. If I have learned anything in my 3.5 days of fasting it's that I don't need any of those harmful substances to make myself happy. I need good people, with good habits and a whole lot of sunshine (hence moving out of Ohio ASAP).

I can feel some differences in my body. I wake up with energy, but lose it by the end of the day. My skin looks nice. My hair is shinier, curlier. My teeth feel kind of weird..like they're losing their enamel, but that can't be because I am an avid brusher (and occasional flosser). Mostly I feel a clearness in my mind. I can think straight, and I can remember things. I can feel a bad mood coming on and decide how to stay away from it. I would say this is mostly do to the decrease in alcohol/smoking habits, but food has an important part to play in that area.

A response I get a lot is, "that's not healthy, you're just going to gain a bunch of weight back when you stop fasting". And I know that if I go back to my old habits I will eventually gain all lost weight back, and feel like I suffered through 10 days of torture for nothing. That is not my intention at all. I want to learn from this experience. I want to have a new appreciation for raw, unprocessed foods. And I want to change my eating habits to that of consuming micro nutrients (fruits, veggies, nuts, seeds) versus crappy food that just contributes the obesity epidemic, while not providing most of the benefits we are actually suppose to get from eating food.

We shall see how this all goes from here on out. At this point I just can't wait to make it to the halfway point. I need a mile stone like that to keep me going.

Day 2..and a Quarter

By far the hardest day yet, Day 2. Mind you, I have been dealing with some dramatic bullshit that doesn't help my temperament. But I was tired. And not happy. So slept through a beautiful day, and went to work. Working at the Cheesecake Factory is so much hard than Bob Evans. Our food there smells so good! All of the time! And it was everywhere. I made it through. Got all of my work done with no problems, and still made $75. Not bad for a Tuesday. I enjoy telling people about what I am doing. I like hearing their responses. Most are like "hmma, too bad. I'm hungry" or "that's not safe", but I quickly explain the benefits and the procedure. One coworker had actually seen part of the documentary I watched. He lost interest and stopped watching, but I think I convinced him to give it another try. It was an inspiration to me, so I was happy to inspire him to give it a second chance.  As far as my body, it is doing well. I have lost a total of 6 lbs ( 2.72 kg). I feel like I can see colors better, but that be because it has been super sunny the past couple of days. I do have to force myself to be active. Which is something I need to improve upon. My mind feels great. I have had any problems remembering things, and I still have perfect thought processes. I do get agitated easier, but that's great because usually as the slightest feeling of a hunger pain, I am a pain in the ass to deal with until I get food.

I am still optimistic about the next 8 days, but I hope they go fast.  I miss food.   

First Day Fasting

I woke up at 9am hangover free and happy as can be. The next step was picking up Jackie and hitting up the produce section of the local grocery store. We got tomatoes, spinach, celery, cucumbers, apples, oranges, pineapples, raspberries, and lemons. I felt like a flower child in the truest sense. Then it was time to juice! First glass went exceptionally well, the second quite the opposite, and the third was just plain hard to swallow.

Now, how am I feeling? I just made it through day 1. It has officially 19 hours since I had anything but fruit juice and water. All I can say is.. not bad. Not good. But not bad. It's been tough, but I've been through tougher. The hunger pain is not overwhelming, and is usually satiated by one of my juice concoctions. Work wasn't too difficult, and I haven't bitten anyone's head off in a hunger driven rage (that was what I was anticipating at least). The end of my day was by far the hardest. My lovely co-juicer bailed on our evening plans to hang out with her friends, a frustrating let down. My mother was making some fantastic foods in the kitchen, which was a miracle because she NEVER cooks anymore. And I was feeling tired, woozy, and weak. But I managed to choke down the last glass of juice, and let myself be driven home to bed and movie. Thank goodness for Dom, my unwavering support group for the day. I needed someone to listen to my griping, as well as keep positive, so that I could keep positive. He also drove me home, and was the perfect replacement for in sister's absence. He doesn't know it yet, but I am going to lock him in my room for the next 10 days that way he's right there whenever I need a cheer leader.

I will conclude with my outlook for the future. Tomorrow is going to kick my ass. But I am up for the challenge. I will eventually perfect my juice drinks to a point of tolerable tastiness. I will use my downtime to catch up on all of the me-time activities that I neglect so often. I have to finish paint by numbers, catch up on like three newspapers. And for heaven's sake clean my f-ing room already. I'm riding on this feeling of accomplishment. I made it one day, I can make it two days. And I will be happy I did in the end. At the very least, I will have a renewed appreciation for food!

Pre-10 Day Fast

It's day 0 of my commitment to fast for 10 days. This plan consists of eating nothing, and drinking only water and fruit/veggie juice I make myself with my new juicer! In addition to no food, there will be no alcohol, no nicotine,no mind-altering substances what-so-ever. I feel..unprepared, but that's just kind of how I do things. I close eyes and jump. I have done a little bit of research. From what I can gather I am going to hate the world and everyone in it for the first few days. My plan is to stay in my apartment or hang by the pool and try not to think about it. I will have my lovely sister enduring this with me, so there's my support group. I have also told everyone and planned a Day 0 party so as to ensure my success. And of course because this is an experiment (every new experience in life is) I will be blogging daily about my progress. Wish me luck!

I pose a question

I have so many. And so much to say, but for now I am just going to think about it. I have several questions swarming my brain right now, I just need to publish them somewhere:

Why do the people that work the hardest always get the shaft? Does it have something to with their character? because they never stop working hard.

Why are girls so quick to screw people over? especially the people closest to them? It's like they know they will be forgiven, so why worry about it?

Why do so many marriages end in divorce? If you're going to be like that, why get married at all? Selfishness.

What is my will to survive? It is innate, but sometimes I think about just throwing in the towel. I would quit school, sell all of my stuff, and go somewhere nice until I can't support myself anymore. the problem with that is, even after I have run out of money and food I will probably still try to survive, it will just be harder now. There must be something inside that I am fight for. What is it?

Hopefully after I have given it some thought I can come back to these questions with a good hypothesis because none of these questions have a full-proof answer.