Baby Steps

I want to write more. I love to write, it is my favorite method of self expression, and I think in a rough and raw kind of way, I am pretty good at it. There are only a couple of obstacles standing in my way.

1. I have this odd need to write with pen and paper. I will scribble in notebooks, on scratch paper, and on sticky notes all day. But when comes down to typing on a keyboard, writing suddenly becomes a chore. I guess I feel like I loose the artistic aspect of it because my thoughts and my creativity on not being directly translated through my fingers. I feel like something is lost when my penmanship is not there to accompany the idea. And let's face it, I have a desk job. Typing on a keyboard is a requirement for 8 hours out of every workday in my life. I do not associate typing with creativity in the least bit. But typing is a big part of the modern age and the only way I am going to be able to share my writing with others, so it is time to rethink what computer writing means to me and figure out a way to make it more pleasant and relaxing. Maybe if I changed the font according to my tone, that could do the trick. A theory I look forward to testing.

2. My thoughts tend to run away as I'm writing. And by the time that I've realized what has happened, they are lost. I try to retrace my steps, but the trail of jumbled sentences and half explored paths is too hard to follow. That's when I give up. It is easier to scrap that piece than try to turn it into the well thought out story I set out to create. In addition to getting lost in my writing, I also don't allow myself the right amount of time to complete it. I spend an hour writing in circles, then realize  I've used all my writing free time to make an indecipherable mess instead of a master piece. Since I never feel like coming back to an old thought, I never finish what I was working on. Writing is great, but if I really want to be good at it and get some kind of point across, I need to put a little bit more effort into planning it. With a good plan in place, it will be easier to trace my steps back to the original idea I sat down to communicate. And I can actually reach the end of a passage with time to spare, or edit!

So there it is, the challenges I need to overcome to accomplish my goal of writing more often and with purpose and in a place where others can see. This was my first attempt. A small sample of organized thought, typed on a computer without any complaints. I think I did well and I hope this piece serves as a reminder of what I can do, if I put my mind to it.

New Life Resolutions

Here I sit, in my little hotel room, contemplating the new experiences I am adding to my life. And although I value each and every new addition, never once did I think I would end up where I am today. Using the phrase "end up" isn't really being fair. I am simply sitting at a crossroad for the moment.

I have achieved the goals I set 5 years ago. I have graduated college. I found an amazing job with a company so perfect for me I could not have dreamed of a better place to work. I am out of state and away from all of the comforts I have known for the past 23 years. I have a support group comprised of family and friends that have been incremental to my success. And I am happy.

It is hard to believe, after recognizing all of these achievements, that I am sitting in a truck stop hotel in Portage, Indiana. I am surrounded by a hodgepodge of my nearest and dearest material things. One king sized bed all to myself. Miles from any kind of civilization that is familiar to me. The people here live a very different lifestyle. Portage is at the top of Indiana, not far from Lake Michigan. It is situated in the middle of a series of industrial towns. The people here mostly work in manufacturing or whatever other everyday jobs a small town has to offer. Those are the people I have been living amongst the past few days. At the place I am staying I'm surround by truck drivers making their mandatory 10 hour stop. Different people, but all very kind. The landscape is quite ugly, but that is nothing new. It is January in the Midwest, and that looks the same all over. Dark skies, naked trees, and a cold breeze. It's funny how much I wanted to leave Columbus, Ohio for its uneventfulness and end up stuck by the side of a road. Within a 5 mile radius I have access to 2 diners, 3 liquor stores, and a strip club. It is nice to be only a 5 minute drive to the place I will call work for the next few years. This description of my current state doesn't seem to fit with the beginning of my story, but in a way, it fits just right.

I am starting a new chapter in my life. I haven't decided what the title will be and of course I don't know what it will be about. But being stuck here on this lonely road has made me realize that I need to write a new outline for what is to come. I need to set some new goals for the next 5 years of my life. Conveniently enough this pause comes at the beginning of the year. It is January 2013. Instead of making New Years Resolutions I have decided to make New Life Resolutions. And in these resolutions I will set the goals I need to drive myself toward more success in the years to come. This is, of course, a work in progress, but here is what I have so far:

• Find a place to live- I am going to live in Chicago. It is going to be a commute to work, but I am willing to sacrifice time at home for time in the car (or on a train) in order to experience one of the coolest cities in the US. It is the perfect place to further my individuality, my love for the arts, and my love of excitement. This is going to be the first time in 7 years that I have weekends off and I plan to maximize that new luxury. Plus, I wont have to use a car to get around (except to work of course).
• Be the best new employee ArcelorMittal has ever seen- I believe in this company. I think that if I give them my all they make sure I go far. I am guessing they were extremely impressed with me when I was interviewed because my first assignment is in Internal Reports. My job will involve making reports that go to the entire company (meaning all over the world). I have been placed on the same floor as ArcelorMittal's CEO's, and my supervisor is notorious for being a tough sell. I have been given an opportunity to shine, and be in the path of people that will notice a leader when they see one. I plan on making the very best of this gift I was given, and try to take on as much responsibility as I can handle. I must remind myself that I am going to fuck up. But a mistake made is a lesson learned. I am most excited to start work and learn how I can make a difference.
• I am going to place new emphasis on my health- I have been interested in ways to stay healthy for a long time, but now is the time to start healthy habits that will last my lifetime. I want to be better about getting in physical activity everyday. I want to make sure that every meal has the right amount of fruits and veggies. I want to cut drinking down to small amounts here and there. I truly believe that if you eat the right foods, drink lots of water, and stay active you will stay healthy throughout the year and increase the number of years to come. There is more to work on for this resolution. I have some research to do and a gym membership to purchase, but all in good time. 
• I want to get my finances in order-Being a server for 7 years has really screwed up my spending habits. I want to get out of debt and start a healthy savings fund. All this hard work will mean nothing if I don't have a cozy beach house or some villa somewhere to retire to when I'm old. This one is going to take some serious effort, but it is also the area where I will have the most help. I have some people on my side that are very good at managing money. I am counting on them to teach me the ways (funny, I thought I was the finance expert...).
• I want my MBA-Education doesn't stop at a BA for this girl, especially when ArcelorMittal is so willing to assist with this goal by giving it to me for free!
• I want to keep in touch with people that matter most to me (AKA: anyone who attended my going away party)
• ...There is more, but it starts to get material from here, so I wont bother

These are goals, and this my plan. I will work hard until I feel I have achieved everything I have outlined here. Unfortunately, nothing ever comes easy to me in life. I know I have many challenges ahead. But it helps to have a blueprint to refer back to when times seem bleak. 

This dumpy little hotel was just what I needed to remind myself that I haven't won yet. Hopefully now  I can move on from this crossroad, and into a new life!

Finding Work

I am at an exciting point in my life. It has also been one of the most difficult. I am graduating from college in December with my Undergraduate Degree in Business Finance and a minor in Globalization Studies. It has been a long road traveled, and of course the journey doesn't end after I am handed my diploma.

The next step would seem obvious. Find a job. But is isn't that simple, at least in my case. I am not one of those fortunate people who have known since grade school what they want to be when they grow up. No, in my case options are endless. And in light of that I have been applying for every and any job that comes my way. My only requirements are that I make enough money that I can live by myself (totally over the roommate thing), that this job is located elsewhere in the world, and that I am continuing to learn new things. Oh, and I prefer not to sell insurance, but that's just me. Because I am open to almost any new experience with these small criteria, I have had a great amount of success at finding employers who are interested in me. I have interviewed with Aldi, Chase, Kimberly-Clark Corp., Freddie Mac, American Airlines, ArcelorMittal, the list goes on. I am no where near finished, but I can picture the finish line, and it is beautiful. I would say that I am about halfway. I am knee deep in interviews.

I look back a few months to when I first started this race. Interviewing was a frightening thought. I have had 2 long-term jobs for most of my working life and my interview experience was limited. But just like skydiving, it was something I had to do, and there was no turning around. Fast forward to today, and the interview process has become less of a fear and more of a habit. I have 2 outfits, a dress suit and a pants suit. I use my glasses to make me looker smarter when I think it will help. I have my little binder where a scribble some generic questions that make look and sound interested and intelligent. I think it is working because I have moved onto the next round of interviews with several of the companies I am pursing. The tricky part is know what they're going to ask, and how to answer each question so that I get across what my strengths are. It is these challenges I hope to address in this writing. I want to organize my thoughts as to what I think I can bring to any company. So here it goes...

To tell you a little about myself, I was born and raised in the Columbus, Ohio. I chose Ohio State University because my parents are alumni, it has a competitive business program, and it was an affordable choice. I put myself through school by working two jobs. I worked as a server at Bob Evans for six years and I am currently working as a server at The Cheesecake Factory, where I have been for three years. On top of working 2 jobs and going to school full-time, I was an executive member of Students for Recycling. I held the position of Vice President and Treasurer. Needless to say my schedule was tight. I learned valuable organizational and time management skills.

Through my coursework at Ohio State I gained an understanding of all areas of business, something I highly value. I had surprisingly extensive coursework in Accounting, to where I feel quite profit in that area. Finance has always been my favorite. I enjoy solving numerical problems where the solution has meaning to me. I like being able to look at an income statement or a balance sheet and understand what they say about a company. A balance sheet can tell you a lot about what kind of business the company is in, and where improvements can be made in the business strategy to get more efficiency and profit.

My Globalization Studies minor really helped my understand the global playing field when it comes to the business world. I learned about exchange rates and how they affect profits, especially for companies with global operations. I have a good understanding of how the advanced economies are able to be successful and why the less advanced economies struggle to compete. I also enjoyed learning how business practices and the way business transactions are handled differs from country to country. I am confident that taking this extra time to study globalization will benefit me in any career I pursue considering many companies operate on a global scale, and this trend is only increasing as technology and transportation improve.

What do I bring to this company? A willingness to learn and adapt quickly. I am eager to start applying what I learned in the class room to a real world setting. I am a diligent worker, who takes pride in being successful and being an asset to the company I am apart of.  I am reliable. I am always at work on time, if not early. I don't believe in missing work because I know it means that others have to pick up my slack. When given an assignment I strive to produce work above what is expected of me. I take responsibility for my actions. If I make a mistake I don't let it ruin my day or my moral. Nothing good can come from sulking. I just try to learn from it and make sure that same mistake doesn't happen again. One of my best attributes is my ability to communicate well. As a leader, it has always been my experience that communication is the key. Effective communication enables everyone working for a common goal to improve on his or her part by getting other peoples' perspectives.  In group discussion or case work that was usually my role, the facilitator of discussion. There has to be someone that keeps the ball rolling, that keeps a flow of ideas and questions working to solve the problem quicker. As a leader I think it is important to make decisions, but also be able to listen to what others around you are saying because they probably have ideas and experiences you never thought of. I enjoy working with people. Whether it be customers or coworkers, I am very comfortable talking and listening to the people I work with. I am a hard worker who is willing to learn an improve on any project that is given to me.

My biggest weakness is my inability to know when I am "in over my head", so to speak. I am the oldest of four kids in my family. At an early age I learned to be independent, and figure things out for myself. Although this has been beneficial in most cases, sometimes I take it too far. I don't get help when help would be useful. Instead I take it a step too far and end up overwhelmed. This hasn't happened often, but when I am taking on a new responsibility it has been an issue. 

Skydiving

My First Skydive

                I will never forget the uneasy feeling that occupied my stomach as that small plane as it climbed to altitude. That was the only time where I had any doubts in my ability to make the jump.  When it came time to exit the plane I knew that there was only one way down, and it wasn’t riding in an airplane. 

                I chose to take skydiving because it is my last semester at Ohio State, and I wanted to go out with a bang. In 4 years I have never taken a class that was just for fun. Skydiving met the qualifications for the perfect graduating semester fun class.  It was a unique opportunity, it was something I could scratch off my bucket-list, and it was something that could teach me valuable lessons. Of course, all of these great thoughts were formulated before learning we were AFF jumping, and it would not be tandem.  Though this came as surprise, there was no turning back.  By the end of the class training and training at the site I felt prepared to make the leap.

                When it was my turn to suit up the nerves kicked in, and I started to really think about what I was about to do.  None of those feelings mattered much because I was determined not to fail.  My instructors, two well qualified and handsome gentlemen, were crucial for keeping me focused on the goal.  Then it was time to board the plane. The ride up was the hardest part.  It was not the heights that bothered me.  It was knowing that I would be responsible for making it to the ground again in one piece.  Next thing I know, I am watching the rest of the passengers on the plane exit and fall into the sky.  And finally was the moment I had been waiting for over a year.  The actual leap out was a relief. I made it out of the plane and was in free-fall  The entire time I am doing my checks, trying to stabilize my arms and legs, and smile for the camera I am thinking “why did I think this was a good idea?!”  It was cold and I couldn’t keep my mouth closed because of the wind rushing against my body.  My arms and legs seemed like a lost cause.  They didn’t stay in any position I was trying to put them in.  I looked at my altimeter at 5,000 ft and thought “Crap, it’s past time”.  I pulled my shoot and shot into the air.  I looked up to see a perfectly inflated parachute and breathed a sigh of relief.  And there I was, 4,000 ft in the air, just floating around.  It seems like a serene picture, but my heart was racing as I recovered from sensation of free-fall and adjusted to the feeling of floating high above the ground.  I remember noticing how quiet it is up there.  When it came time to land, I was ready to be on the ground.  Apparently that was the dominating mentality in my brain because I tuned out to my instructor’s instructions and ended in a rough landing.  My first thought upon reaching the ground was “I did it.”

                The whole experience was a lot to take in. My body had never felt pressure like that before and my brain did not know what to make of the purposeful placement into danger.  My reaction initially was that the experience was not what I had imagined, and I did not like it.  But after about 20 minutes I changed my mind.  I felt great. I was full of adrenaline and excitement. It was like brain was unable to process the whole experience right away, but after some time to recover it was an awesome rush.  I told my mom that day that I would be back to do my 25 jumps and get licensed as a skydiver.  Now it has been a few weeks since my life defying leap.  It is hard to remember exactly how I felt in the air, but the feelings about skydiving I formulated upon landing still stand. 

My reflection on skydiving is based on what I learned.  I learned that I am a risk taker. I knew that before I signed up for the class, but I was able to reinforce that this is a true characteristic of my personality.  I learned that once you set your mind to do something, nothing can stop you from achieving that goal.  If you are determined, and it is important to you that you succeed, the chance of failure of slim to none.  I learned that preparation wont ensure that you do everything perfect, but it will ensure that you can succeed well enough.  I have used these lessons in my day to day life.  I have brought this experience up in several interviews.  I use it to drive the point I am serious and I am successful, and employers are always impressed.  I would recommend this experience to anyone who thinks they have the power to achieve anything they believe is possible.   

I Need It

I need a car. I have been living without one for 2 months. I need to know that I am in the place I am because I choose to be there. I don't like being left behind. I don't like being dependent on people. I don't like feeling like every choice I make is based on others, and not purely what I want. Because I am a firm believer in "do what makes you happy", and if I am deciding what do based on other people then I am not doing what makes me happy, I am focused on we. I need we, I love we, but we will mean more to me when I know I have satisfied me first. Try to understand. You are no different.  The car, though material and seemingly insignificant, means I can come and go as I please. And I need to feel like I control that.  As usual, this experience has taught me something about myself. I need to be independent. 

Jotting Some Thoughts

I wish I could write poetry. I wish the English language wasn't losing value to text abbrev iations and social network status's. I wish I could express these feelings. I wish I could see the future, and see that all of my worrying is for nothing. I wish someone would tell me what to do next. I am worried.

I want to grow up, but I don't want to leave my old friends behind. I want to be successful, but I don't know how. I want to have an amazing job, but I don't know what my talent is. I want to a good girlfriend, but I don't know how. I am worried.

What is going to happen? Will I accomplish all of the things I want? Will I ever figure out what my place is in this world? Will I ever grow up? Is it possible not to worry about what will happen next? How do I know what is forever? Is there a forever?

I want to disappear. And reappear, as someone no one recognizes. And I will be happy. Because I accomplished what I set out to achieve.

Having Oscar

About a week ago, I adopted a new responsibility into my life. Don't ask me why. You would think two jobs, full-time school, and a boyfriend would be enough, but I like to see how this I can stretch myself before I crash and burn...No that is not true. I just wanted something to love, that loves me back unconditionally. Never in a million years did I think I would get some kind of value out of raising a puppy, but having a puppy is strikingly like having a baby.

I cannot believe the comparisons I can make between my little dotson mutt and a new born baby. The first night we brought him home he was so scared. He cried until I put him in bed with me. In the morning we tried to go outside, didn't quite make it, but accidents happen. And he is so small the outside is terrifying to him. Every morning he has to get used to it all over again. At first I had to feed him warm dog food. He wouldn't eat by himself, but now I think he's got it down. He cries all night. I am currently cage training him. It is difficult, but you just have to let them cry, or some I am told. Even though all I want to do is put him in bed with me. Along with crying he gets up in the middle of the night to play! I do not play at 3am pup. He is always ready to go in the morning. The rest of his day are continuous cycles of sleeping, playing, peeing, and sleeping. The best part about Oscar is that he always wants to be held. He doesn't sleep on the floor, or the couch, or the cage. If he wants to go to sleep he crawls up my legs like a baby lifting his arms, and says "hold me" with his little cries. As I pick him up, he curls up in my arms and falls right to sleep. This has made homework a challenge this week, but I don't really mind because he loves me and I love that he loves me. 

Behavior of Oscar is not the only part of this experience that makes me feel like I just had a baby. The interaction with people has changed. I feel like I don't get any attention anymore, it's all about my puppy. They love him when he sleeps or plays, but I am called when he cries and needs to be taken outside. I have to ask people to "babysit" him because if you don't watch over him carefully he will reek havoc. When people talk about him I find myself getting really defensive. And I am constantly trying to protect him. When friends come over they rave about the new puppy, and hold him, and tell me how cute he is.

I find myself relating to friends who also have pets on a whole new level. One of my best friends just got a puppy a few weeks ago. I have asked him tons of questions about bath time, how long they cry, what playing is like, etc. Oscar met another friend of mine's big puppy, and they played together despite the size and age difference. Us moms just sat back and laughed, trying to gauge how well they were actually getting along. It is nice talking to people who are going through the same things I am and have advice to give. I am a new parent after all.    

I think the most perplexing part of this whole thing is how my relationship with my boyfriend has changed. He doesn't want any responsibility. He makes it very clear that this is my dog. He helps take care of Oscar though. And I think of it as a partnership. If I am mom, then Dominic is definitely dad. We both worry about what the puppy is doing, who should take him out, and who's turn it is to hold him or calm him down if he is crying. We don't have time to ourselves anymore. It's always about Oscar. Even when we are by ourselves we talk about the dog. And we spend so much time thinking about Oscar that we don't think about each other. We haven't had sex once since we got him. I hate it actually. I'm not ready to have this adult kind of relationship where mom and dad's purpose in life changes to adapt a child. The priorities are all wrong, and I don't see them changing as long as we have this puppy. It's changed how I feel about him as a boyfriend. It just feels all too real, too fast, too soon...

Needless to say, having a puppy has made a bigger change in my life than I ever anticipated. I am still shocked at how much this reminds me of having a baby. But I'm happy to know I can give this baby away without compromising any of my morals. I have not changed my life forever by adding a dog, only temporarily. And now I understand more than ever why I do not have a child yet, and why I do not want one for a very long time. Because once you have a baby, there is no going back. Your life changes meaning, you have a new purpose, forever.

My birth control is in the form of an adorable puppy named Oscar.

Until the Next Breakdown

It's kinda funny to observe myself. Right now is a time of despair. I have no money. My bills are going to collections. I cannot even afford school anymore, my one and only hope to eventually pull myself out of this rut. So that one day I can get a good job making good money, and look back at this time as a "character building experience". You wouldn't know it if you were to run into me on the street. I put up a nice front. The only people that really know how much I am struggling right now are my parents and my boyfriend. I don't like to talk about it. No one cares. No one can help me. And when I do talk about it, I build up some kind of hope in my mind that someone will help me.

No one is going to help me. I am not special. There are people much worse off.

So I carry this burden with me. Knowing I am drowning, but keeping up a facade that everything is fine. I am the same smart, independent, strong-willed person I have always been. I go out, I make people food, I smile. But something will push me over the edge. To the point where I can't take it anymore. That is where I am found myself this morning.

I had an exam today. Thank goodness I was able to concentrate on that. Not the case in my other classes. I am incapable of hearing a lesson when my mind is brimming with worries. I tried working out. It felt great for that 1 hour that I was at the gym. But as soon as I left my head is filled with remorse once again. It would be okay if I could just talk to someone about it. But I have the image to maintain. I don't need people yawning at my problems thinking in their heads "would you like some whine with that cheese?" or that I am some kind of killjoy.

The only thing left to do is sob. Silent tears so no one can hear. It is the only way to get it out. It doesn't solve the problem, but at least I feel better. This is where I stopped to take a look at myself. Sitting alone at my kitchen table, eating cottage cheese in my workout clothes, crying like a baby. The only thought running through my head, "I'll just go. Leave everything behind. They can sell my stuff and pay off what debt they can, but by the time they realize nothing is there, I will have disappeared. Where I go doesn't really matter, just to be lost would be enough." But this scene cannot go on too long, and before long I snap out of it. My only real option is to keep going...

And I will. I always do. I will go take a shower, do my hair, go to class. Figure out how to survive another week. No one has to know about my silly little woes. And I just enjoy the false satisfaction of my own illusion, that everything is okay.

Checking In

I haven't blogged in ages, and Wednesday December 8th at 2:30am seemed like a good time to put some thoughts down.

The quarter is wrapping up, and as hard as I've tried I am not getting the A's I strive for. My only comfort is that I have tried really hard, so at least I know I've earned these grades fair and square. I could always try harder, put more time into studying, but that mean taking time away from being me. I wont let school interfere with me living my life. The most important part of this philosophy is that I still love learning. Grades can only be so important, but it's the lesson that you take away, the ones that stick with you, that really count. That IS what I'm paying for.

I am paying for a lot these days actually. School, living, life lessons. I have found one in particular to be the most valuable, partly because it has been the most expensive. I just had my last court take for my physical control. My license is suspended until March. And I owe my lawyer a college kid's fortune. Not to mention fees, court costs, reinstatement fee...very valuable lesson indeed. There are positives. I don't drink as much. I save money that way, calories, and my health in general. It's helped me quit smoking too. This hasn't been the only factor in me cleaning up my act though.

I am 22 now. That last of my early 20's. If I could freeze myself in age or drink from the fountain of youth it would right now. I'm in my prime as I define it. Young, but experienced. Stilling having faith in the world I live in, but wise to its tricks. The only part I struggle with is being at the age where innocence must be left behind, and the hard decisions have to be made. I have no idea what this degree I am working so hard for is going to bring me. I don't know what I want to do with my life. A cliche worry, I know, but it plagues me, in the back of my mind. Business has taught me that you are supposed to discover what it is that you can best at, better than anyone else, and pursue that. Because that is the thing that will make you successful. It stems from passion. But I have not discovered what I am best suited for. I am hoping it falls into my lap. Basically I am putting my faith into fate. My destiny will find me!

In the meantime, I go to school and work my two jobs. I am able to support myself which is gratifying. Serving is getting hard to bear, but it keeps me afloat and it certainly is not boring. It is time though to leave my high school job. I have worked for Bob Evans for almost six years. Quite a feat, but not something to brag about by any means. It is hard though, to let go of something you have had for so long. Never thought I would say that about Bobs, but the realization has hit and I can't get it off of my mind. I am leaving it in good hands though. My sister still works there, as well as my mom, and just recently my brother. My baby brother has the same first job I had. I wish him luck.  I know he will do great.

I miss my friends. After school and two jobs the time for them is pretty limited. Most of them are on the same page though. We are all busy as turn into grownups. I take comfort in knowing they're still around, and the times I do get to see them are always like old times. I am careful about keeping them around. I know they are there should I ever need a shoulder to lean on. I hope they know I have an equally sturdy shoulder to lend should one of them ever be in need.

I find myself spending a great deal of my time with a particular friend. He is much more than that actually because I love him. Being in love is a wonderful feeling, but a scary one at the same time. I wasn't looking for it by any means, but it found me. I feel like I had no choice in the matter. Because if I did I would have refused it. I should be focused on myself and achieving the goals I have set for myself. But he is the world to me, and I would do anything for him. That's scary part. We aren't even exclusive. One of the little barriers I try to set up for myself. It doesn't matter, I am hooked. But I am happy, so it can't be bad. It is just another example of me being...not your typical girl, afraid to commit? I am leaving the country with him, Germany and Paris. It's like something that happens in romance novels or a dream. And because I'm living a dream, and I'm in love, I am the luckiest girl in the world right now. I hope it all goes well though. It's now after 3am, I have an exam tomorrow, and I have not even started packing.

And on that note, I must retire for my big day tomorrow. I, as always, have more to say, but never the time to say it. I feel accomplished for getting even a fraction down. These posts are most likely the first few chapters of my memoir, and I would like to have as much down as possible before I forget. Sweet Dreams.

Bad Day

I studied so hard for my accounting exam, I was sure I was a master of the art walking in. By the time I walked out of my exam, I had to run for fear of someone seeing me cry. It was like I had studied the wrong subject for three days. I held it together. Threw back some whiskey to make the disappointment go away. But it was all over when I got a message from my baby brother: "keep you're head up. look past the schooling and just enjoy the life you were given #smile!". I want to take his advice so bad.

Take it in Strides

I am 21 years old and had a enough relationships by now to know what I am looking for...right now.

I did the long term, committed relationship first. We were young, it seemed perfect. I was sure I was going to marry my high school sweet heart like in some preteen fantasy novel. But this relationship stopped working when I realized that there was only one place we could go from where we were (me 21, him 23 and practically married already), and that was the last place I wanted to be. So I said goodbye to my first love. I set out on the path of being single. But this is not the first time, I had my first go at singlehood after my first huge life transition, moving out of my parents house.

At age 19 I wanted to try being single. I was young and inexperienced. I was new to college life and I had to see what was out there. This meant really entering the dating game for the first time. Unfortunately "the game" for a 19 year girl is difficult. The best players have a lot of practice. I was brand new. That was the year that I learned men that try to get in your pants on the first encounter are done being interested once you let them in. Yep, had a few of those let downs. Looking back on it now, I cannot believe I thought any one one of those guys had an interest in me other than my vagina. They really aren't hard to spot, and usually have nothing intelligent to say. That was first valuable lesson learned; spot the rogue. They weren't all bad of course. There were a couple that stuck around. One in particular really influenced me and who I am today. I was still 19 and he was 24 and I worshiped him. He listened to the best music, and had the greatest free-love ideas. His dad lived and worked in New Zealand, a country I couldn't even locate on a map. All of this influence on me, I was his puppet. But he never wanted to call our relationship anything. We were just...together. Next lesson learned. It's easier to let something go if you don't form an attachment, don't give it a title. I was crushed, but surprisingly the titleless relationship was easy for me to lose too. Today I see that relationship as a introduction to a world I had not known. He was one of the few that taught me something I could take through life.

There weren't many after him before I got fed up with men. I came to the conclusion that I had been with a man that I loved, and there might not be anyone else out there that could love me back like my first did. So I went back. We had a great year. It is amazing how fast we fell into our old rhythm. I felt comfortable, safe, at home. Too comfortable, too familiar. It took me 1 year to remember again why I left. But this time I had a real epiphany. I don't want to be with anyone. I am too young, these relationships don't work because, male or female, no one really knows what they want at 21. So why worry about it? My philosophy as it stands: get in a serious relationship when you are ready for that relationship to last forever because being committed takes a lot of work. But it is worth it if you want that. I'm not trying to disrespect anyone who has a fully functional relationship. It just doesn't work for a person like me, determined to carve my own path out of this earth. I mean, my biggest concerns at this time are making it to class on time and who you can get to buy my next drink. Ladies and Gentlemen, do yourself a favor and give the early years to yourself. Once they're gone they're gone, unless you plan on rejoining "the game" at age 40 after some messy divorced to some person you thought you loved. I hear it's rough out there past age 32.

My theory doesn't account for the fact that we are human, and instinctively we look for a mate. This is my current challenge. I thought I had it all figured out, until a boy came along. And  I like this boy very much. But he threatens all of my plans. I want to be thinking about myself, and not getting mixed up in a love game. It came down to fight off a relationship or fighting in one, so I let my heart take the reigns. It can't be helped. I can't control these emotions. And he makes me happy so why not? That is the ultimate goal in life right? To be happy? The way I see it, that is the bare necessity, our will to survive can be seen simply as being happy. So I caved, and let myself fall in love again, but with a new idea on how to go about it.

I put a restriction on it. I am not your girlfriend. Surprisingly he was okay with that. I don't know why I was surprised considering men are usually the ones with commitment issues. But why can't we just hang out and be together without a label? Because society says otherwise. That has been the biggest hurdle. People want to fit others into categories to simplify life, but the reality is that there is no simple solution to trials of being human. Further more, this is my second longest running relationship. Whether this is a healthy thing, I haven't figured that out yet. It works for me. I don't feel caged in, which helps with my fear of commitment. I'm not trying to get a marriage proposal out of him. I figure as long as we make each other happy we will be together. When that stops being the case, we shake hands and walk away. Doesn't that sound nice? It is, but it is a work in progress. The lines as I see them get blurred, and we both don't know how to put them back. But without the pressures of a typical relationship we have an easier time dealing with our problems. He is great guy, and it has been fun getting to know him. Where the future is concerned, I'll just let fate run its course and not ask any questions.

To sum it all up: Live your life the way you see fit, and do what makes YOU happy. The people that stick around are the ones who were in it for you in the first place.

School Starts, and My Life Begins Again

It's the end of September and school is back in session. This is my very favorite time of year. It feels great to have a purpose again; to be working for something other money. School means a lot of things for me. It is when i discipline myself into a routine that suits the lifestyle I aspire to lead.  I'm not sure why that has to fall apart every summer, but it does. I get back into the habit of eating healthy, moving around, reading the paper, etc. Basically it's about being back in the sophisticated "loop" if you will. To add to image, I got some new glasses today. Now I look smart, feel smart, and am doing smart things. I feel like this is the real reason I have been so unhappy these past couple weeks. I just wasn't feeling good about myself anymore.

Of course there is always trouble in paradise for this girl. She definitely never leads a perfect life. I lost my debit card again. Which is always a nightmare. It gives me an excuse to use my credit card, but I never end up paying it back like I planned. Hence $2500 in credit card debit. Could be worse I guess.

There is also a household conflict on my mind. I live with my sister, which I love. Love Love Love. Jackie and I are so much a like, but different in all the right ways. We have been getting along great. Then there's Megan, Jackie's friend from high school. A third girl roommate. I knew this was trouble from the start, but since Jackie is afraid of confrontation nothing was ever done about it. Girls just don't work well in threes. We need allies to scheme with and bitch to. Megan has no one on her side, and  I feel bad for her. It's not like we are bad roommates. I keep the house exceedingly clean, and I have all of my own groceries, and I always try to be courteous and kind. But she is definitely angry for some reason. I feel like she set herself up for failure in our house. Trust is huge. It's an important part of any relationship with another person. Some people say I am overly trusting, but honestly I would rather give people a chance than assume everyone's out to screw me over. I want to believe that people are good. It hasn't failed me yet. This is not the case with our sad 3rd roommate. She put a key lock on her door day one, and that is where she stays. Locked in her like a teenager pouting at dinner. It's sad because we could be such a happy family if she just let go of her anger. Instead she sends angry texts and tweets and never directly addresses the problem. Jackie is the same way...I don't know how they didn't scratch each other's eyes out last year when they lived with 2 other girls. Luckily for the house I wont let that happen. I can't go on like this, it's like living with a stranger. I'm gonna say something to Megan, and I want her to just let it all out. Scream at the top of her lungs, cuss me out, punch a hole in the wall. Anything to relieve the pent up hate she harbors. Then we can begin to heal, and fix the problems. That is the only way conflict is ever solved. I'm just fortunate enough to have learned to swallow my pride and skip the brooding phase of being angry. It feels bad to carry the weight of hate around.

Other than Megan's rage, the house is nice. Beautiful, with a homey, happy decor..if I do say so myself (I decorated of course). We have a pretty communal living situation actually. Megan, Jackie, and I all have significant others, some more serious than others. Mike, Megan's boyfriend is our half 4th roommate. He is there Thursday- Sunday. Then Katelyn is our other half 4th roommate staying with me in my room Sunday-Tuesday. Then Mark, Jackie's beau is there a few nights a week. And Dominic..not there as much because I am sharing a room but he still has a tooth brush and a happy presence in the house as well. I don't mind having all of these people around. They're all great. We haven't had an issue with keeping things clean, or stuff being broken/misplaced. Maybe this is just me trusting everyone again, but as long as these people do me no wrong, they add to the excitement of living on campus. Considering all of these positive aspects of the house, I have faith in the eventual success of our Summit Street Dwelling, and can't wait to enjoy spending time with my communal family. 

Just to touch on some of the other turmoil I've been dealing with, my OVI got dropped to a Physical Control. Which is at least a 0 point offense on my license. I have to do a weekend drug and alcohol program, but I'm staying positive about that one. Hoping to learn a few things. After that it's just minimum fines and a 6 month license suspension (with privileges, and it already started even though I have my license until December). I get sentenced 3 days before I leave for Germany, and the first day of exam week. More than anything this has been an intolerable expense, and a great learning experience. My first goal is to move to a city where I can always walk home, and roll my car off a cliff.

Still dealing with apartment bullshit, which has been my biggest pain in the ass these days. I just don't want to worry about it anymore. My friends are being helpful for the most part. Steve came down and got all of his stuff out. Now it's just Lance and Justin, mostly Justin, but that was anticipated. Some kids never grow up, and that's okay, but at least learn to walk without someone holding your hand. Then I will know you can make it. After that I am going to have a knew policy for handling things of this nature. I will never again be solely response for anything that involves paying me money. It is not an issue of trust, it's just an inconvenience and a liability and I'm not doing it again.

And now that I have spend an hour writing this blog instead of doing the school work that i was SO EXCITED to do..because it's fall again..and I love school. Yay. I need to stop. The darker it gets the less productive I become. End.

HELP ME!

My plate consists of:

1. starting school, but having to drop half of my classes to pay for
2. My physical control charge, which I got on Labor Day weekend because I was speeding after I left the bar (and I only consumed a beer and a half). This is costing me $3,500 of money I don't have and a lot of time. I have to a drug intervention program, where I stay in a hotel for a weekend. I have to pay a $400 fine plus court costs, and I have to pay my lawyer $500 a month.
3. I also moved into my campus house recently. This place costs more than my last, and is never clean/ I haven't really been able to enjoy it because I don't have time to.
4. My last apartment was supposed to be taken care of my friends, but because NO ONE has their act together, no one is living there but I still have to take care of rent, internet, and electric. For 2 more months because I didn't give 60 days notice of leaving. My father is going to try to take care of it for me, but there is stuff in there from 3 different people that aren't around. Sorry guys, but get it out or it's gonna get pitched.
5. I am treasurer/fundraiser of Students for Recycling. We have a huge event coming up but I haven't been in contact with anyone because I broke my second phone in one month. my Crackberry non-the-less.
6. No one is helping because no one can help me. It is all my problem and my live feels dismal. This is quite possibly the hardest time in my life. I have no money, no time, no words of wisdom. Friends, do not think your support goes unappreciated. It helps to talk about things, but the problems don't go away, and they are all my own. No one can really relate.

I just don't understand how I got myself into this situation. I am constantly trying to be a good person. To do the right thing. And help anyone out who needs it. I'm sure this is all happening for a reason. A good one. I just hope I was meant to survive this turmoil, not be broken from it. This is my true test of spirit. And I don't know if I am overcoming the challenge. I feel defeated.  

My Bad Luck

This was my homework for my lawyer. It's nice, they gave me a chance to state my cases and defend my character. Now who will see it, and why should they care is not my concern at the moment. It just feels good to get it all out.

My Account of September 2/3 2011

                Friday night I went to the bar with a couple friends around 10pm. I had just left my parents house where I was looking for my car keys. Since I couldn’t find them I took my sister’s car.  She drives a much newer Pontiac G6. It drives a lot smoother than my Ford, which proved to be a contributing factor to my downfall later that evening. My friend Justin and I went to Murphy Mcflips’, a local bar off of Polaris Parkway that we frequent. I had a 20 oz Killian’s when I got there. That lasted me about an hour and half. I got another one around 11:30. At 11:45pm a friend from work called and asked if I could open for her in the morning at Bob Evans (open requires being there at 5:45am) . Since I hadn’t had a lot to drink I agreed. At this point I gave away the rest of my beer, about half of the glass and left. I gave a friend a ride home. He lives about 5 minutes from the bar, off of Crosswoods Blvd. Then I headed back to my boyfriend’s house to stay the night. He lives in Springburne Apartments, also about 5 minutes from the bar, off of Lazelle Rd. At this point I really had to go to the bathroom. I must have been thinking more about that than how fast I was going because the next thing I know I see flashing lights in my rear view mirror. I pulled into Springburne and parked the car. I rolled down the window and the officer approached my car. He asked for license, registration, and proof of insurance. I handed him my licenses and my sister’s registration. I told the officer that it was my sister’s car, and that I did not have my proof of insurance on me. He told me that he pulled me over for going 56 in a 45 mph zone, and that I swerved. He did not go back to the police car to run my license. He asked where I was coming from and if I had been drinking. In a panic I said my parent’s house, and that I had had 1 beer half an hour ago. He asked me to step out of the car and leave my keys on the seat. I did as he asked. I was given a few field sobriety tests, which I took thinking I would have no problem passing them. Apparently I was wrong. I did the pen test with no problem. Then he asked me to walk the line taking 9 steps, counting 1-1000, 2-1000, etc. I told him I was really nervous, and proceeded to take the test, but I left out the 1000 part. I said it in my head and counted out loud slowly. After that he asked me to raise my foot 6 inches off the ground and count as high as I could. He had said earlier that I could take off my sandals, but I didn’t until this last test. I made it to 20 before he stopped me. When I was finished he said he wanted me to do one more test and pulled out a portable breathalyzer. I said that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to do that test and asked if I could call my dad. He allowed me to do so, but being 1am at this point, my dad didn’t answer. At this point the officer was done giving me chances to take the test and put me under arrest for speeding and OVI. He sat me in the cop car and read me my rights. Another officer was called to the scene. She patted me down and put me in handcuffs. He told me the penalty for refusing the official breathalyzer was 1 year suspension versus 90 days if I took it. So I agreed to go to the station. Once we got there I really couldn’t hold it anymore, and asked to go to the bathroom. The officer said I would have to wait 20 more minutes to take the test if I did that. I insisted that I had to use the bathroom immediately. After that I was taken to a room to wait. It was freezing, and I was shivering and scared. Given time to think about my situation I decided that it would be in my best interest not to take the test even though I did not believe my BAC was over the legal limit. I informed the officer of my decision. He said ok, I signed the ticket, and he took me back to my boyfriend’s apartment. He wanted to walk me to the door, but I asked him not to, and he stood back and watched me walk to the door.  

About Me

                I am 21 years old and the oldest of 4 children. I am about to start my 4^th year at Ohio State University where I am working on my Bachelors in Business Finance with a minor in Globalization Studies. I am also studying German, as I will be taking a trip there in December. When I am not in class I am working on projects for my organization, Students for Recycling. I am the Treasure of this organization. We plan events and do educational presentations on the importance of recycling, especially on our campus. I also work 2 jobs to pay for my school and living expenses. I am a server at Bob Evans in Lewis Center. I have worked there for 5 years, and it was my first job. I also serve at The Cheesecake Factory at the Polaris Mall. I have been there for almost 2 years. I am interested in food, where it comes from and importance of eating healthy, natural food over processed food products. I hope to incorporate this passion into my future career. I am currently in search of an internship that incorporates my love for the environment and the value I place on natural eating. I would like to help educate people on these topics because I think it would help with the nation’s energy crisis, as well as the obesity and other health problems plaguing Americans. Lastly, if I end up having some free time at the end of the day I like to read books. I prefer the classics, including books by Jane Austen and Oscar Wilde.

What I Have Learned

                This whole experience has been rather traumatic for me. I have never been pulled over before, and my first incident I end up arrested and facing OVI charges. Facing these charges and consequences could affect my future career.  Not only do I now have a record, the expense of this incident is going to go well beyond anything I can afford. I don’t have parents with money that can get me out of this one. I have to pay for everything myself. With the lawyer fees, court costs, fines, and the program I am going to have to take I might have to drop out of school for the quarter just to cover these costs. That upsets me more than anything. School is very important to me. It is something I have been looking forward to all summer, and it breaks my heart to think I might have to wait another three months to go back. So what have I learned? The consequences of driving after drinking greatly outweigh any benefits. And there really are no benefits to drinking when you know you have to drive home. I have made the decision to not drink at all if I know I will have to be behind a wheel.  Not even one drink is worth what it could cost if I were to get pulled over again. And even though in my case this time I did not have a lot to drink, and my offense was not to a serious one, it could be a different case the next time. If I don’t change my habits now, there could be a next time. And that is not something I can bear to go through again. So I see this experience as a blessing in disguise.  I have always been someone who has to make mistakes to learn from them. This mistake has taught me a valuable lesson. I am working to improve my driving and always be conscious of the speed I am going. And I am choosing not to drink if I know I will be driving, or find a ride if I want to drink. I am confident that having learned to change my behavior nothing like this will happen again.

Feel Better Please

I am generally a happy person. Positive attitude, healthy smile. But when life gets me down I tend to dwell on it. So I end up stuck in a sad place and I hate what it does to me mind and body. I have this bad habit where anytime something bad happens or I hit a wave of depression, I start adding up everything that is going wrong in my head. It's like I have this guest list of problems and they're all invited to Emily's Pity Party. Usually I tough it out. Get drunk or high and forget about them. By the time the next day rolls around I am in my happy mood again and my list of problems goes out the window. Sounds great, but it's not. They always catch up with me sooner or later. So I want to list out everything that is bothering me. This way I can remember, and work on each one. Maybe this will work for me. Maybe I have thought of a healthy way of dealing with life's little heartaches that doesn't involve getting trashed and wondering the streets (or wherever) in a drunken stupor. Other I will probably just sob uncontrollably during Steve's visit and I've been looking forward to this for too long to let it go down like that. So here it is..

1. Finances. I work 2 jobs, but I support myself, I got to Ohio state and pay for 1/3 of that (plus books and coffee), I got a little travel happy this year, not to mention my drinking problem, etc. I don't think I am going to have enough money for this year. What if I actually can't come up with the money?

2. Time cards. I have many friends, and I love them all. Each one brings something to my life that I treasure. But with the 2 jobs and everything mentioned above there just isn't enough time in the world to hang out with them all. Because they don't all get along. I have an eclectic circle of friends. One just got of surgery to remove cancer. I haven't even called him.  Then there's my Not-Boyfriend who takes neglect pretty well. I attribute that to the fact that he's not my boy friend. But I still miss him, and wish I could keep him in my pocket so he was around anytime I needed a special friend or a good lay. Lastly, sadly, me. I don't have anytime for me. Zero. And that was actually something I was supposed to be working on. Getting enjoyment out of being alone. How can I give everyone what they want, and why should I be upset about so many people wanting to hang out with me?

3. Friend Problems. And speaking of friends. One of mine is doing coke again. And bringing down several of my other friends with him. This friend just had a heart attack age 22. What do I do? Can I do anything? Probably not. But I can't just sit back and watch them do it. I think coke is a terrible, ugly, shady, awful drug. Do I abandon those friends that support a habit that I have such a problem with?

4..... well.. I honestly don't feel like going on. This is just depressing.

I hammered the big ones out. And I do feel a little better. Now my favorite person in the whole world is on his way to my house. I am going to buck up and have a good time. And if I do cry, hopefully they are just tears of joy. I had more to say but please refer to problem number to if you want to know what I can't continue. The phone is buzzing off the hook next to me and I lost my train of thought.

Holden Beach Health Spa

My little family beach vacation has done wonders for me and it's only been a day. There are so many benefits to taking a vacation that we should probably be prescribed two get-aways per year. The beach in particular is psychological recharge plus the added benefit of being at nature's best health spa. I'm getting plenty of Vitamin D from all the sun exposure. My skin is silky smooth from being pelted by sand in the waves. And my finger and toe nail have never been so polished. I've managed to maintain a steady diet of fruits and vegetables. Plus I've been running on the beach, and walking everywhere else. The beach, hands down the most rewarding vacation one can take. People have been doing it for hundreds of years. The English used to actually be prescribed by their doctor's to spend weeks in Bath, a small vacation spot where the sick could rest and recover on the coast.  They believed it was something in the salty air. I'm going to return home with a new appreciation for living that will get me through the daily grind with a brighter smile.

Figuring out the Why?

I have this friend. We are a bit more than friends, but ultimately I value his friendship first an foremost. He is smart and funny and thoughtful. I enjoy the time we spend together. But sometimes we don't get along. We bicker. And it's frustrating. And I can't figure out why we can be happy together one minute, to me wanting to throw him out of the car the next. It has been happening more now than in the beginning when we were first getting to know each other. The only explanation I can come up with is that I'm getting scared. Because I don't know where this relationship is going. I am happy recognizing us as simply "existing". But the fact of the matter is we have become quite close. Label or no label we have hit a new point in our relationship. I left my last one because I didn't want to worry about another person's happiness. I want to worry about my own. And I want to be sure that the choices I make are ones leading me toward accomplishing my goals. So this new closeness is getting to my subconscious. She's worried that I am getting wrapped up in something that will detract me from path to success. And I challenge it. I'm looking for faults where there are none. Serious ones at least. We are both pretty bullheaded. We both have strong opinions and when they clash we get defensive. I don't want to battle my friend. I don't like to fight. Really he makes me happy. That is what I should be focusing on. I feel pretty fortunate to have found someone that prefers the truth. So that at least when he angers me he can see it, and he calls me out on it. I'm the kind of person that has to have everything out in the open. When all cards are on the table its easier to figure out the next best move. And if it's something hard to hear, at least getting over it comes faster.
I wanted to write this out so I could piece my thoughts into an explanation. Now that I think I have it figured out, I think I know what I need to do. Stop worrying about someone trying to get close to you. You need someone that will be there for you. Even if you are Miss Independent. Everyone needs a friend sometimes. So problems are just too big to shoulder by yourself, so let this person who is willing to listen and wants to help be apart of your life. And stop worrying about where it is going because that really doesn't matter. You can turn and run, but you've already been that direction. Life's too short to waist time walking backwards. Everything will fall into place. It always does.

Live day by day, and do what makes you happy.

Finished!

I am done with my fast. A bit early, but I by the end of day 8 I felt I had accomplished my goal of proving that I could fast for 10 days, and I felt the healthiest I have been in years. I lost a total of 12 lbs, had tons of energy, and a new appreciation for food. I realize now the importance of food as a life sustaining necessity to our daily lives. Food gives us the energy to get through the day. It is the fuel that our body uses to move, think, process. Having this new perspective has really opened my eyes to the importance of putting the right foods into my body.

It really comes back to the proverb "you are what you eat". So given the choice between a slice of pizza and a garden salad, what is going to benefit you the most? The slice of pizza has zero living qualities about it. It is heavy, full of sugar and fat, and what few vegetables that might be on there have had all the nutrients cooked out of it. The salad is fresh, uncooked, green and crisp. The fact that is still has water in it makes it healthier, and still having the properties of a living thing. The bright colors of the vegetables scream "I am full of nutrients" that your body can actually use to drive your body. It makes sense, a person, living entity, needs food to give it energy. So what is going to give you the most energy? Food that also once needed energy to live. And the closer that food is to living, the more energy giving nutrients it is going to have! Yay, what an epiphany I have had.

I am not, by any means, saying that you cannot indulge. A good portion of eating is enjoyment. Eating is social, fun, exciting. One of the things I missed, and the reason I ended my fast, is the social aspect of sharing a meal. Breaking bread if you will. The idea has been around for centuries. If the Bible is your thing, that is the perfect example. Meal time is sacred, a time when you can gather in a circle. It is a time of sharing (sharing life giving food). Oh, how I missed dining with my family. Plus, in our highly evolved society, we have created 1000's of ways to prepare food. Our pallets have definitely expand since the time when our internal organs where developing. We are born with the ability to register five tastes, but humans have created a way of combining these tastes into amazing, flavorful gourmet dishes. And they aren't always the healthiest. Because fat and sweets have the ability of sticking with you longer (stored as fat for later use). Something our ancestors really needed because in their time these things were scarce. Our brains developed a particular fondness for these tastes because humans needed to be attracted to them. The key here is scarcity. Once in awhile. Today the fatty, sweet foods are found EVERYWHERE. In fact, they have become a primary part of our diet. On the flip side, our internal organs have not changed that much from the original design of the first homo sapiens. We have bodies adapted for eating lots of plant matter and the occasional fatty piece of meat,  but our diet today contains mostly fat, with a little bit of vegetables. And all of the excess energy we consume gets stored... as fat. And so is born the obesity epidemic taking the world by storm.

What can be done? Educate people. They need to understand what food is really for. It has a greater purpose than giving us pleasure. The happiness you get from a tasty indulgence is short lived. The energy you are supposed to be getting from this food is what determines what the rest of your day will be like. So start your day off right with healthy fruit or even a salad, and you will see the difference it makes. Maybe then it will be easier to pass up that slice of pizza for lunch.    

To conclude my assessment of my fasting experiment. It is the best thing I have ever done for myself. I hope to do it again soon. I would like to make it habit because I think it is important. It has changed how I plan to live my life. A have not figured out what approach I will take to my diet, but I know it will be full of raw fruits and vegetables. I do have big plans full of great success, and I am going to need a diet that drives my body to accomplish that.

Day 3

Again, a little late with this post, but better late than never. My 2 fans said they are happy to wait anyway.

Day 3, so my research said, would be the hardest day to get through. As it turns out, it was. The headaches started to set in, and the reality of my situation came to terms all at once. I am not eating food. for 10 days. by my own choice. No one really cares if I succeed or fail. No one really wants to hear me wine. I am solo on this mission. I have some supporters, don't get me wrong. Some close friends cheering me on. I have noticed an interesting trend of my gentleman friends being the most supportive, with my family in the middle, and my girl friends not supportive at all. They are waiting for me to fail so that I will do the fun things we used to do like get lunch, or get trashed. Or they just want me to fail because heaven for bid I lose some weight by doing something so simple (in strategy, not endurance).

I do need to recap this day, as a little explanation as to why I thought it was so hard. First off, it was my day off. I had all day to think about food, and how I can't eat it. Second, Throughout the whole day I only managed to make time for two real nutritious juices, so by 8pm I was about to shoot someone. Especially because (third) it was my mother's birthday and they were serving steak, baked potato, salad, and french bread with olive oil. Cake? of course there was cake. Red Velvet cake. I was like WTF? They ALWAYS get Dairy Queen Ice Cream Cake. Which I don't like anyway, but the birthday that I have sworn off food they get something good. Unbelievable. I could handle that though. I just sat there while they ate their five star meal and I drank my juice. Trying to keep the bitterness at bay. I would say I am pretty freaking good at that considering (forth) my sister/co-juicer was eating steak and salad right across from me. I guess I'm the winner in the end... I froze a steak and a slice of cake, so I will get mine in a week or two. The last part of my day consisted of going to a party. Where everyone was drinking and smoking, and I waaas not. Some party. I left after an hour, thinking to myself "why on earth did you think you would have a good time at a party where people were getting fucked up, the exact EXACT opposite of anything you were trying to do." Silly girl. Always learns the hard way.

I have learned to embrace any support I get, but to remember that I am doing this for me and me alone. I believe this is a healthy move. Something my body will thank me for. Because I'm not gonna lie; despite the fact that I pride myself on not eating fast food and being "healthy", I am far from it. I drink every night, I eat shitty food, and I smoke whatever is in front of me because that's the cool thing to do. Nope. If I have learned anything in my 3.5 days of fasting it's that I don't need any of those harmful substances to make myself happy. I need good people, with good habits and a whole lot of sunshine (hence moving out of Ohio ASAP).

I can feel some differences in my body. I wake up with energy, but lose it by the end of the day. My skin looks nice. My hair is shinier, curlier. My teeth feel kind of weird..like they're losing their enamel, but that can't be because I am an avid brusher (and occasional flosser). Mostly I feel a clearness in my mind. I can think straight, and I can remember things. I can feel a bad mood coming on and decide how to stay away from it. I would say this is mostly do to the decrease in alcohol/smoking habits, but food has an important part to play in that area.

A response I get a lot is, "that's not healthy, you're just going to gain a bunch of weight back when you stop fasting". And I know that if I go back to my old habits I will eventually gain all lost weight back, and feel like I suffered through 10 days of torture for nothing. That is not my intention at all. I want to learn from this experience. I want to have a new appreciation for raw, unprocessed foods. And I want to change my eating habits to that of consuming micro nutrients (fruits, veggies, nuts, seeds) versus crappy food that just contributes the obesity epidemic, while not providing most of the benefits we are actually suppose to get from eating food.

We shall see how this all goes from here on out. At this point I just can't wait to make it to the halfway point. I need a mile stone like that to keep me going.

Day 2..and a Quarter

By far the hardest day yet, Day 2. Mind you, I have been dealing with some dramatic bullshit that doesn't help my temperament. But I was tired. And not happy. So slept through a beautiful day, and went to work. Working at the Cheesecake Factory is so much hard than Bob Evans. Our food there smells so good! All of the time! And it was everywhere. I made it through. Got all of my work done with no problems, and still made $75. Not bad for a Tuesday. I enjoy telling people about what I am doing. I like hearing their responses. Most are like "hmma, too bad. I'm hungry" or "that's not safe", but I quickly explain the benefits and the procedure. One coworker had actually seen part of the documentary I watched. He lost interest and stopped watching, but I think I convinced him to give it another try. It was an inspiration to me, so I was happy to inspire him to give it a second chance.  As far as my body, it is doing well. I have lost a total of 6 lbs ( 2.72 kg). I feel like I can see colors better, but that be because it has been super sunny the past couple of days. I do have to force myself to be active. Which is something I need to improve upon. My mind feels great. I have had any problems remembering things, and I still have perfect thought processes. I do get agitated easier, but that's great because usually as the slightest feeling of a hunger pain, I am a pain in the ass to deal with until I get food.

I am still optimistic about the next 8 days, but I hope they go fast.  I miss food.