Checking In

I haven't blogged in ages, and Wednesday December 8th at 2:30am seemed like a good time to put some thoughts down.

The quarter is wrapping up, and as hard as I've tried I am not getting the A's I strive for. My only comfort is that I have tried really hard, so at least I know I've earned these grades fair and square. I could always try harder, put more time into studying, but that mean taking time away from being me. I wont let school interfere with me living my life. The most important part of this philosophy is that I still love learning. Grades can only be so important, but it's the lesson that you take away, the ones that stick with you, that really count. That IS what I'm paying for.

I am paying for a lot these days actually. School, living, life lessons. I have found one in particular to be the most valuable, partly because it has been the most expensive. I just had my last court take for my physical control. My license is suspended until March. And I owe my lawyer a college kid's fortune. Not to mention fees, court costs, reinstatement fee...very valuable lesson indeed. There are positives. I don't drink as much. I save money that way, calories, and my health in general. It's helped me quit smoking too. This hasn't been the only factor in me cleaning up my act though.

I am 22 now. That last of my early 20's. If I could freeze myself in age or drink from the fountain of youth it would right now. I'm in my prime as I define it. Young, but experienced. Stilling having faith in the world I live in, but wise to its tricks. The only part I struggle with is being at the age where innocence must be left behind, and the hard decisions have to be made. I have no idea what this degree I am working so hard for is going to bring me. I don't know what I want to do with my life. A cliche worry, I know, but it plagues me, in the back of my mind. Business has taught me that you are supposed to discover what it is that you can best at, better than anyone else, and pursue that. Because that is the thing that will make you successful. It stems from passion. But I have not discovered what I am best suited for. I am hoping it falls into my lap. Basically I am putting my faith into fate. My destiny will find me!

In the meantime, I go to school and work my two jobs. I am able to support myself which is gratifying. Serving is getting hard to bear, but it keeps me afloat and it certainly is not boring. It is time though to leave my high school job. I have worked for Bob Evans for almost six years. Quite a feat, but not something to brag about by any means. It is hard though, to let go of something you have had for so long. Never thought I would say that about Bobs, but the realization has hit and I can't get it off of my mind. I am leaving it in good hands though. My sister still works there, as well as my mom, and just recently my brother. My baby brother has the same first job I had. I wish him luck.  I know he will do great.

I miss my friends. After school and two jobs the time for them is pretty limited. Most of them are on the same page though. We are all busy as turn into grownups. I take comfort in knowing they're still around, and the times I do get to see them are always like old times. I am careful about keeping them around. I know they are there should I ever need a shoulder to lean on. I hope they know I have an equally sturdy shoulder to lend should one of them ever be in need.

I find myself spending a great deal of my time with a particular friend. He is much more than that actually because I love him. Being in love is a wonderful feeling, but a scary one at the same time. I wasn't looking for it by any means, but it found me. I feel like I had no choice in the matter. Because if I did I would have refused it. I should be focused on myself and achieving the goals I have set for myself. But he is the world to me, and I would do anything for him. That's scary part. We aren't even exclusive. One of the little barriers I try to set up for myself. It doesn't matter, I am hooked. But I am happy, so it can't be bad. It is just another example of me being...not your typical girl, afraid to commit? I am leaving the country with him, Germany and Paris. It's like something that happens in romance novels or a dream. And because I'm living a dream, and I'm in love, I am the luckiest girl in the world right now. I hope it all goes well though. It's now after 3am, I have an exam tomorrow, and I have not even started packing.

And on that note, I must retire for my big day tomorrow. I, as always, have more to say, but never the time to say it. I feel accomplished for getting even a fraction down. These posts are most likely the first few chapters of my memoir, and I would like to have as much down as possible before I forget. Sweet Dreams.

Bad Day

I studied so hard for my accounting exam, I was sure I was a master of the art walking in. By the time I walked out of my exam, I had to run for fear of someone seeing me cry. It was like I had studied the wrong subject for three days. I held it together. Threw back some whiskey to make the disappointment go away. But it was all over when I got a message from my baby brother: "keep you're head up. look past the schooling and just enjoy the life you were given #smile!". I want to take his advice so bad.

Take it in Strides

I am 21 years old and had a enough relationships by now to know what I am looking for...right now.

I did the long term, committed relationship first. We were young, it seemed perfect. I was sure I was going to marry my high school sweet heart like in some preteen fantasy novel. But this relationship stopped working when I realized that there was only one place we could go from where we were (me 21, him 23 and practically married already), and that was the last place I wanted to be. So I said goodbye to my first love. I set out on the path of being single. But this is not the first time, I had my first go at singlehood after my first huge life transition, moving out of my parents house.

At age 19 I wanted to try being single. I was young and inexperienced. I was new to college life and I had to see what was out there. This meant really entering the dating game for the first time. Unfortunately "the game" for a 19 year girl is difficult. The best players have a lot of practice. I was brand new. That was the year that I learned men that try to get in your pants on the first encounter are done being interested once you let them in. Yep, had a few of those let downs. Looking back on it now, I cannot believe I thought any one one of those guys had an interest in me other than my vagina. They really aren't hard to spot, and usually have nothing intelligent to say. That was first valuable lesson learned; spot the rogue. They weren't all bad of course. There were a couple that stuck around. One in particular really influenced me and who I am today. I was still 19 and he was 24 and I worshiped him. He listened to the best music, and had the greatest free-love ideas. His dad lived and worked in New Zealand, a country I couldn't even locate on a map. All of this influence on me, I was his puppet. But he never wanted to call our relationship anything. We were just...together. Next lesson learned. It's easier to let something go if you don't form an attachment, don't give it a title. I was crushed, but surprisingly the titleless relationship was easy for me to lose too. Today I see that relationship as a introduction to a world I had not known. He was one of the few that taught me something I could take through life.

There weren't many after him before I got fed up with men. I came to the conclusion that I had been with a man that I loved, and there might not be anyone else out there that could love me back like my first did. So I went back. We had a great year. It is amazing how fast we fell into our old rhythm. I felt comfortable, safe, at home. Too comfortable, too familiar. It took me 1 year to remember again why I left. But this time I had a real epiphany. I don't want to be with anyone. I am too young, these relationships don't work because, male or female, no one really knows what they want at 21. So why worry about it? My philosophy as it stands: get in a serious relationship when you are ready for that relationship to last forever because being committed takes a lot of work. But it is worth it if you want that. I'm not trying to disrespect anyone who has a fully functional relationship. It just doesn't work for a person like me, determined to carve my own path out of this earth. I mean, my biggest concerns at this time are making it to class on time and who you can get to buy my next drink. Ladies and Gentlemen, do yourself a favor and give the early years to yourself. Once they're gone they're gone, unless you plan on rejoining "the game" at age 40 after some messy divorced to some person you thought you loved. I hear it's rough out there past age 32.

My theory doesn't account for the fact that we are human, and instinctively we look for a mate. This is my current challenge. I thought I had it all figured out, until a boy came along. And  I like this boy very much. But he threatens all of my plans. I want to be thinking about myself, and not getting mixed up in a love game. It came down to fight off a relationship or fighting in one, so I let my heart take the reigns. It can't be helped. I can't control these emotions. And he makes me happy so why not? That is the ultimate goal in life right? To be happy? The way I see it, that is the bare necessity, our will to survive can be seen simply as being happy. So I caved, and let myself fall in love again, but with a new idea on how to go about it.

I put a restriction on it. I am not your girlfriend. Surprisingly he was okay with that. I don't know why I was surprised considering men are usually the ones with commitment issues. But why can't we just hang out and be together without a label? Because society says otherwise. That has been the biggest hurdle. People want to fit others into categories to simplify life, but the reality is that there is no simple solution to trials of being human. Further more, this is my second longest running relationship. Whether this is a healthy thing, I haven't figured that out yet. It works for me. I don't feel caged in, which helps with my fear of commitment. I'm not trying to get a marriage proposal out of him. I figure as long as we make each other happy we will be together. When that stops being the case, we shake hands and walk away. Doesn't that sound nice? It is, but it is a work in progress. The lines as I see them get blurred, and we both don't know how to put them back. But without the pressures of a typical relationship we have an easier time dealing with our problems. He is great guy, and it has been fun getting to know him. Where the future is concerned, I'll just let fate run its course and not ask any questions.

To sum it all up: Live your life the way you see fit, and do what makes YOU happy. The people that stick around are the ones who were in it for you in the first place.

School Starts, and My Life Begins Again

It's the end of September and school is back in session. This is my very favorite time of year. It feels great to have a purpose again; to be working for something other money. School means a lot of things for me. It is when i discipline myself into a routine that suits the lifestyle I aspire to lead.  I'm not sure why that has to fall apart every summer, but it does. I get back into the habit of eating healthy, moving around, reading the paper, etc. Basically it's about being back in the sophisticated "loop" if you will. To add to image, I got some new glasses today. Now I look smart, feel smart, and am doing smart things. I feel like this is the real reason I have been so unhappy these past couple weeks. I just wasn't feeling good about myself anymore.

Of course there is always trouble in paradise for this girl. She definitely never leads a perfect life. I lost my debit card again. Which is always a nightmare. It gives me an excuse to use my credit card, but I never end up paying it back like I planned. Hence $2500 in credit card debit. Could be worse I guess.

There is also a household conflict on my mind. I live with my sister, which I love. Love Love Love. Jackie and I are so much a like, but different in all the right ways. We have been getting along great. Then there's Megan, Jackie's friend from high school. A third girl roommate. I knew this was trouble from the start, but since Jackie is afraid of confrontation nothing was ever done about it. Girls just don't work well in threes. We need allies to scheme with and bitch to. Megan has no one on her side, and  I feel bad for her. It's not like we are bad roommates. I keep the house exceedingly clean, and I have all of my own groceries, and I always try to be courteous and kind. But she is definitely angry for some reason. I feel like she set herself up for failure in our house. Trust is huge. It's an important part of any relationship with another person. Some people say I am overly trusting, but honestly I would rather give people a chance than assume everyone's out to screw me over. I want to believe that people are good. It hasn't failed me yet. This is not the case with our sad 3rd roommate. She put a key lock on her door day one, and that is where she stays. Locked in her like a teenager pouting at dinner. It's sad because we could be such a happy family if she just let go of her anger. Instead she sends angry texts and tweets and never directly addresses the problem. Jackie is the same way...I don't know how they didn't scratch each other's eyes out last year when they lived with 2 other girls. Luckily for the house I wont let that happen. I can't go on like this, it's like living with a stranger. I'm gonna say something to Megan, and I want her to just let it all out. Scream at the top of her lungs, cuss me out, punch a hole in the wall. Anything to relieve the pent up hate she harbors. Then we can begin to heal, and fix the problems. That is the only way conflict is ever solved. I'm just fortunate enough to have learned to swallow my pride and skip the brooding phase of being angry. It feels bad to carry the weight of hate around.

Other than Megan's rage, the house is nice. Beautiful, with a homey, happy decor..if I do say so myself (I decorated of course). We have a pretty communal living situation actually. Megan, Jackie, and I all have significant others, some more serious than others. Mike, Megan's boyfriend is our half 4th roommate. He is there Thursday- Sunday. Then Katelyn is our other half 4th roommate staying with me in my room Sunday-Tuesday. Then Mark, Jackie's beau is there a few nights a week. And Dominic..not there as much because I am sharing a room but he still has a tooth brush and a happy presence in the house as well. I don't mind having all of these people around. They're all great. We haven't had an issue with keeping things clean, or stuff being broken/misplaced. Maybe this is just me trusting everyone again, but as long as these people do me no wrong, they add to the excitement of living on campus. Considering all of these positive aspects of the house, I have faith in the eventual success of our Summit Street Dwelling, and can't wait to enjoy spending time with my communal family. 

Just to touch on some of the other turmoil I've been dealing with, my OVI got dropped to a Physical Control. Which is at least a 0 point offense on my license. I have to do a weekend drug and alcohol program, but I'm staying positive about that one. Hoping to learn a few things. After that it's just minimum fines and a 6 month license suspension (with privileges, and it already started even though I have my license until December). I get sentenced 3 days before I leave for Germany, and the first day of exam week. More than anything this has been an intolerable expense, and a great learning experience. My first goal is to move to a city where I can always walk home, and roll my car off a cliff.

Still dealing with apartment bullshit, which has been my biggest pain in the ass these days. I just don't want to worry about it anymore. My friends are being helpful for the most part. Steve came down and got all of his stuff out. Now it's just Lance and Justin, mostly Justin, but that was anticipated. Some kids never grow up, and that's okay, but at least learn to walk without someone holding your hand. Then I will know you can make it. After that I am going to have a knew policy for handling things of this nature. I will never again be solely response for anything that involves paying me money. It is not an issue of trust, it's just an inconvenience and a liability and I'm not doing it again.

And now that I have spend an hour writing this blog instead of doing the school work that i was SO EXCITED to do..because it's fall again..and I love school. Yay. I need to stop. The darker it gets the less productive I become. End.

HELP ME!

My plate consists of:

1. starting school, but having to drop half of my classes to pay for
2. My physical control charge, which I got on Labor Day weekend because I was speeding after I left the bar (and I only consumed a beer and a half). This is costing me $3,500 of money I don't have and a lot of time. I have to a drug intervention program, where I stay in a hotel for a weekend. I have to pay a $400 fine plus court costs, and I have to pay my lawyer $500 a month.
3. I also moved into my campus house recently. This place costs more than my last, and is never clean/ I haven't really been able to enjoy it because I don't have time to.
4. My last apartment was supposed to be taken care of my friends, but because NO ONE has their act together, no one is living there but I still have to take care of rent, internet, and electric. For 2 more months because I didn't give 60 days notice of leaving. My father is going to try to take care of it for me, but there is stuff in there from 3 different people that aren't around. Sorry guys, but get it out or it's gonna get pitched.
5. I am treasurer/fundraiser of Students for Recycling. We have a huge event coming up but I haven't been in contact with anyone because I broke my second phone in one month. my Crackberry non-the-less.
6. No one is helping because no one can help me. It is all my problem and my live feels dismal. This is quite possibly the hardest time in my life. I have no money, no time, no words of wisdom. Friends, do not think your support goes unappreciated. It helps to talk about things, but the problems don't go away, and they are all my own. No one can really relate.

I just don't understand how I got myself into this situation. I am constantly trying to be a good person. To do the right thing. And help anyone out who needs it. I'm sure this is all happening for a reason. A good one. I just hope I was meant to survive this turmoil, not be broken from it. This is my true test of spirit. And I don't know if I am overcoming the challenge. I feel defeated.  

My Bad Luck

This was my homework for my lawyer. It's nice, they gave me a chance to state my cases and defend my character. Now who will see it, and why should they care is not my concern at the moment. It just feels good to get it all out.

My Account of September 2/3 2011

                Friday night I went to the bar with a couple friends around 10pm. I had just left my parents house where I was looking for my car keys. Since I couldn’t find them I took my sister’s car.  She drives a much newer Pontiac G6. It drives a lot smoother than my Ford, which proved to be a contributing factor to my downfall later that evening. My friend Justin and I went to Murphy Mcflips’, a local bar off of Polaris Parkway that we frequent. I had a 20 oz Killian’s when I got there. That lasted me about an hour and half. I got another one around 11:30. At 11:45pm a friend from work called and asked if I could open for her in the morning at Bob Evans (open requires being there at 5:45am) . Since I hadn’t had a lot to drink I agreed. At this point I gave away the rest of my beer, about half of the glass and left. I gave a friend a ride home. He lives about 5 minutes from the bar, off of Crosswoods Blvd. Then I headed back to my boyfriend’s house to stay the night. He lives in Springburne Apartments, also about 5 minutes from the bar, off of Lazelle Rd. At this point I really had to go to the bathroom. I must have been thinking more about that than how fast I was going because the next thing I know I see flashing lights in my rear view mirror. I pulled into Springburne and parked the car. I rolled down the window and the officer approached my car. He asked for license, registration, and proof of insurance. I handed him my licenses and my sister’s registration. I told the officer that it was my sister’s car, and that I did not have my proof of insurance on me. He told me that he pulled me over for going 56 in a 45 mph zone, and that I swerved. He did not go back to the police car to run my license. He asked where I was coming from and if I had been drinking. In a panic I said my parent’s house, and that I had had 1 beer half an hour ago. He asked me to step out of the car and leave my keys on the seat. I did as he asked. I was given a few field sobriety tests, which I took thinking I would have no problem passing them. Apparently I was wrong. I did the pen test with no problem. Then he asked me to walk the line taking 9 steps, counting 1-1000, 2-1000, etc. I told him I was really nervous, and proceeded to take the test, but I left out the 1000 part. I said it in my head and counted out loud slowly. After that he asked me to raise my foot 6 inches off the ground and count as high as I could. He had said earlier that I could take off my sandals, but I didn’t until this last test. I made it to 20 before he stopped me. When I was finished he said he wanted me to do one more test and pulled out a portable breathalyzer. I said that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to do that test and asked if I could call my dad. He allowed me to do so, but being 1am at this point, my dad didn’t answer. At this point the officer was done giving me chances to take the test and put me under arrest for speeding and OVI. He sat me in the cop car and read me my rights. Another officer was called to the scene. She patted me down and put me in handcuffs. He told me the penalty for refusing the official breathalyzer was 1 year suspension versus 90 days if I took it. So I agreed to go to the station. Once we got there I really couldn’t hold it anymore, and asked to go to the bathroom. The officer said I would have to wait 20 more minutes to take the test if I did that. I insisted that I had to use the bathroom immediately. After that I was taken to a room to wait. It was freezing, and I was shivering and scared. Given time to think about my situation I decided that it would be in my best interest not to take the test even though I did not believe my BAC was over the legal limit. I informed the officer of my decision. He said ok, I signed the ticket, and he took me back to my boyfriend’s apartment. He wanted to walk me to the door, but I asked him not to, and he stood back and watched me walk to the door.  

About Me

                I am 21 years old and the oldest of 4 children. I am about to start my 4^th year at Ohio State University where I am working on my Bachelors in Business Finance with a minor in Globalization Studies. I am also studying German, as I will be taking a trip there in December. When I am not in class I am working on projects for my organization, Students for Recycling. I am the Treasure of this organization. We plan events and do educational presentations on the importance of recycling, especially on our campus. I also work 2 jobs to pay for my school and living expenses. I am a server at Bob Evans in Lewis Center. I have worked there for 5 years, and it was my first job. I also serve at The Cheesecake Factory at the Polaris Mall. I have been there for almost 2 years. I am interested in food, where it comes from and importance of eating healthy, natural food over processed food products. I hope to incorporate this passion into my future career. I am currently in search of an internship that incorporates my love for the environment and the value I place on natural eating. I would like to help educate people on these topics because I think it would help with the nation’s energy crisis, as well as the obesity and other health problems plaguing Americans. Lastly, if I end up having some free time at the end of the day I like to read books. I prefer the classics, including books by Jane Austen and Oscar Wilde.

What I Have Learned

                This whole experience has been rather traumatic for me. I have never been pulled over before, and my first incident I end up arrested and facing OVI charges. Facing these charges and consequences could affect my future career.  Not only do I now have a record, the expense of this incident is going to go well beyond anything I can afford. I don’t have parents with money that can get me out of this one. I have to pay for everything myself. With the lawyer fees, court costs, fines, and the program I am going to have to take I might have to drop out of school for the quarter just to cover these costs. That upsets me more than anything. School is very important to me. It is something I have been looking forward to all summer, and it breaks my heart to think I might have to wait another three months to go back. So what have I learned? The consequences of driving after drinking greatly outweigh any benefits. And there really are no benefits to drinking when you know you have to drive home. I have made the decision to not drink at all if I know I will have to be behind a wheel.  Not even one drink is worth what it could cost if I were to get pulled over again. And even though in my case this time I did not have a lot to drink, and my offense was not to a serious one, it could be a different case the next time. If I don’t change my habits now, there could be a next time. And that is not something I can bear to go through again. So I see this experience as a blessing in disguise.  I have always been someone who has to make mistakes to learn from them. This mistake has taught me a valuable lesson. I am working to improve my driving and always be conscious of the speed I am going. And I am choosing not to drink if I know I will be driving, or find a ride if I want to drink. I am confident that having learned to change my behavior nothing like this will happen again.

Feel Better Please

I am generally a happy person. Positive attitude, healthy smile. But when life gets me down I tend to dwell on it. So I end up stuck in a sad place and I hate what it does to me mind and body. I have this bad habit where anytime something bad happens or I hit a wave of depression, I start adding up everything that is going wrong in my head. It's like I have this guest list of problems and they're all invited to Emily's Pity Party. Usually I tough it out. Get drunk or high and forget about them. By the time the next day rolls around I am in my happy mood again and my list of problems goes out the window. Sounds great, but it's not. They always catch up with me sooner or later. So I want to list out everything that is bothering me. This way I can remember, and work on each one. Maybe this will work for me. Maybe I have thought of a healthy way of dealing with life's little heartaches that doesn't involve getting trashed and wondering the streets (or wherever) in a drunken stupor. Other I will probably just sob uncontrollably during Steve's visit and I've been looking forward to this for too long to let it go down like that. So here it is..

1. Finances. I work 2 jobs, but I support myself, I got to Ohio state and pay for 1/3 of that (plus books and coffee), I got a little travel happy this year, not to mention my drinking problem, etc. I don't think I am going to have enough money for this year. What if I actually can't come up with the money?

2. Time cards. I have many friends, and I love them all. Each one brings something to my life that I treasure. But with the 2 jobs and everything mentioned above there just isn't enough time in the world to hang out with them all. Because they don't all get along. I have an eclectic circle of friends. One just got of surgery to remove cancer. I haven't even called him.  Then there's my Not-Boyfriend who takes neglect pretty well. I attribute that to the fact that he's not my boy friend. But I still miss him, and wish I could keep him in my pocket so he was around anytime I needed a special friend or a good lay. Lastly, sadly, me. I don't have anytime for me. Zero. And that was actually something I was supposed to be working on. Getting enjoyment out of being alone. How can I give everyone what they want, and why should I be upset about so many people wanting to hang out with me?

3. Friend Problems. And speaking of friends. One of mine is doing coke again. And bringing down several of my other friends with him. This friend just had a heart attack age 22. What do I do? Can I do anything? Probably not. But I can't just sit back and watch them do it. I think coke is a terrible, ugly, shady, awful drug. Do I abandon those friends that support a habit that I have such a problem with?

4..... well.. I honestly don't feel like going on. This is just depressing.

I hammered the big ones out. And I do feel a little better. Now my favorite person in the whole world is on his way to my house. I am going to buck up and have a good time. And if I do cry, hopefully they are just tears of joy. I had more to say but please refer to problem number to if you want to know what I can't continue. The phone is buzzing off the hook next to me and I lost my train of thought.

Holden Beach Health Spa

My little family beach vacation has done wonders for me and it's only been a day. There are so many benefits to taking a vacation that we should probably be prescribed two get-aways per year. The beach in particular is psychological recharge plus the added benefit of being at nature's best health spa. I'm getting plenty of Vitamin D from all the sun exposure. My skin is silky smooth from being pelted by sand in the waves. And my finger and toe nail have never been so polished. I've managed to maintain a steady diet of fruits and vegetables. Plus I've been running on the beach, and walking everywhere else. The beach, hands down the most rewarding vacation one can take. People have been doing it for hundreds of years. The English used to actually be prescribed by their doctor's to spend weeks in Bath, a small vacation spot where the sick could rest and recover on the coast.  They believed it was something in the salty air. I'm going to return home with a new appreciation for living that will get me through the daily grind with a brighter smile.

Figuring out the Why?

I have this friend. We are a bit more than friends, but ultimately I value his friendship first an foremost. He is smart and funny and thoughtful. I enjoy the time we spend together. But sometimes we don't get along. We bicker. And it's frustrating. And I can't figure out why we can be happy together one minute, to me wanting to throw him out of the car the next. It has been happening more now than in the beginning when we were first getting to know each other. The only explanation I can come up with is that I'm getting scared. Because I don't know where this relationship is going. I am happy recognizing us as simply "existing". But the fact of the matter is we have become quite close. Label or no label we have hit a new point in our relationship. I left my last one because I didn't want to worry about another person's happiness. I want to worry about my own. And I want to be sure that the choices I make are ones leading me toward accomplishing my goals. So this new closeness is getting to my subconscious. She's worried that I am getting wrapped up in something that will detract me from path to success. And I challenge it. I'm looking for faults where there are none. Serious ones at least. We are both pretty bullheaded. We both have strong opinions and when they clash we get defensive. I don't want to battle my friend. I don't like to fight. Really he makes me happy. That is what I should be focusing on. I feel pretty fortunate to have found someone that prefers the truth. So that at least when he angers me he can see it, and he calls me out on it. I'm the kind of person that has to have everything out in the open. When all cards are on the table its easier to figure out the next best move. And if it's something hard to hear, at least getting over it comes faster.
I wanted to write this out so I could piece my thoughts into an explanation. Now that I think I have it figured out, I think I know what I need to do. Stop worrying about someone trying to get close to you. You need someone that will be there for you. Even if you are Miss Independent. Everyone needs a friend sometimes. So problems are just too big to shoulder by yourself, so let this person who is willing to listen and wants to help be apart of your life. And stop worrying about where it is going because that really doesn't matter. You can turn and run, but you've already been that direction. Life's too short to waist time walking backwards. Everything will fall into place. It always does.

Live day by day, and do what makes you happy.

Finished!

I am done with my fast. A bit early, but I by the end of day 8 I felt I had accomplished my goal of proving that I could fast for 10 days, and I felt the healthiest I have been in years. I lost a total of 12 lbs, had tons of energy, and a new appreciation for food. I realize now the importance of food as a life sustaining necessity to our daily lives. Food gives us the energy to get through the day. It is the fuel that our body uses to move, think, process. Having this new perspective has really opened my eyes to the importance of putting the right foods into my body.

It really comes back to the proverb "you are what you eat". So given the choice between a slice of pizza and a garden salad, what is going to benefit you the most? The slice of pizza has zero living qualities about it. It is heavy, full of sugar and fat, and what few vegetables that might be on there have had all the nutrients cooked out of it. The salad is fresh, uncooked, green and crisp. The fact that is still has water in it makes it healthier, and still having the properties of a living thing. The bright colors of the vegetables scream "I am full of nutrients" that your body can actually use to drive your body. It makes sense, a person, living entity, needs food to give it energy. So what is going to give you the most energy? Food that also once needed energy to live. And the closer that food is to living, the more energy giving nutrients it is going to have! Yay, what an epiphany I have had.

I am not, by any means, saying that you cannot indulge. A good portion of eating is enjoyment. Eating is social, fun, exciting. One of the things I missed, and the reason I ended my fast, is the social aspect of sharing a meal. Breaking bread if you will. The idea has been around for centuries. If the Bible is your thing, that is the perfect example. Meal time is sacred, a time when you can gather in a circle. It is a time of sharing (sharing life giving food). Oh, how I missed dining with my family. Plus, in our highly evolved society, we have created 1000's of ways to prepare food. Our pallets have definitely expand since the time when our internal organs where developing. We are born with the ability to register five tastes, but humans have created a way of combining these tastes into amazing, flavorful gourmet dishes. And they aren't always the healthiest. Because fat and sweets have the ability of sticking with you longer (stored as fat for later use). Something our ancestors really needed because in their time these things were scarce. Our brains developed a particular fondness for these tastes because humans needed to be attracted to them. The key here is scarcity. Once in awhile. Today the fatty, sweet foods are found EVERYWHERE. In fact, they have become a primary part of our diet. On the flip side, our internal organs have not changed that much from the original design of the first homo sapiens. We have bodies adapted for eating lots of plant matter and the occasional fatty piece of meat,  but our diet today contains mostly fat, with a little bit of vegetables. And all of the excess energy we consume gets stored... as fat. And so is born the obesity epidemic taking the world by storm.

What can be done? Educate people. They need to understand what food is really for. It has a greater purpose than giving us pleasure. The happiness you get from a tasty indulgence is short lived. The energy you are supposed to be getting from this food is what determines what the rest of your day will be like. So start your day off right with healthy fruit or even a salad, and you will see the difference it makes. Maybe then it will be easier to pass up that slice of pizza for lunch.    

To conclude my assessment of my fasting experiment. It is the best thing I have ever done for myself. I hope to do it again soon. I would like to make it habit because I think it is important. It has changed how I plan to live my life. A have not figured out what approach I will take to my diet, but I know it will be full of raw fruits and vegetables. I do have big plans full of great success, and I am going to need a diet that drives my body to accomplish that.

Day 3

Again, a little late with this post, but better late than never. My 2 fans said they are happy to wait anyway.

Day 3, so my research said, would be the hardest day to get through. As it turns out, it was. The headaches started to set in, and the reality of my situation came to terms all at once. I am not eating food. for 10 days. by my own choice. No one really cares if I succeed or fail. No one really wants to hear me wine. I am solo on this mission. I have some supporters, don't get me wrong. Some close friends cheering me on. I have noticed an interesting trend of my gentleman friends being the most supportive, with my family in the middle, and my girl friends not supportive at all. They are waiting for me to fail so that I will do the fun things we used to do like get lunch, or get trashed. Or they just want me to fail because heaven for bid I lose some weight by doing something so simple (in strategy, not endurance).

I do need to recap this day, as a little explanation as to why I thought it was so hard. First off, it was my day off. I had all day to think about food, and how I can't eat it. Second, Throughout the whole day I only managed to make time for two real nutritious juices, so by 8pm I was about to shoot someone. Especially because (third) it was my mother's birthday and they were serving steak, baked potato, salad, and french bread with olive oil. Cake? of course there was cake. Red Velvet cake. I was like WTF? They ALWAYS get Dairy Queen Ice Cream Cake. Which I don't like anyway, but the birthday that I have sworn off food they get something good. Unbelievable. I could handle that though. I just sat there while they ate their five star meal and I drank my juice. Trying to keep the bitterness at bay. I would say I am pretty freaking good at that considering (forth) my sister/co-juicer was eating steak and salad right across from me. I guess I'm the winner in the end... I froze a steak and a slice of cake, so I will get mine in a week or two. The last part of my day consisted of going to a party. Where everyone was drinking and smoking, and I waaas not. Some party. I left after an hour, thinking to myself "why on earth did you think you would have a good time at a party where people were getting fucked up, the exact EXACT opposite of anything you were trying to do." Silly girl. Always learns the hard way.

I have learned to embrace any support I get, but to remember that I am doing this for me and me alone. I believe this is a healthy move. Something my body will thank me for. Because I'm not gonna lie; despite the fact that I pride myself on not eating fast food and being "healthy", I am far from it. I drink every night, I eat shitty food, and I smoke whatever is in front of me because that's the cool thing to do. Nope. If I have learned anything in my 3.5 days of fasting it's that I don't need any of those harmful substances to make myself happy. I need good people, with good habits and a whole lot of sunshine (hence moving out of Ohio ASAP).

I can feel some differences in my body. I wake up with energy, but lose it by the end of the day. My skin looks nice. My hair is shinier, curlier. My teeth feel kind of weird..like they're losing their enamel, but that can't be because I am an avid brusher (and occasional flosser). Mostly I feel a clearness in my mind. I can think straight, and I can remember things. I can feel a bad mood coming on and decide how to stay away from it. I would say this is mostly do to the decrease in alcohol/smoking habits, but food has an important part to play in that area.

A response I get a lot is, "that's not healthy, you're just going to gain a bunch of weight back when you stop fasting". And I know that if I go back to my old habits I will eventually gain all lost weight back, and feel like I suffered through 10 days of torture for nothing. That is not my intention at all. I want to learn from this experience. I want to have a new appreciation for raw, unprocessed foods. And I want to change my eating habits to that of consuming micro nutrients (fruits, veggies, nuts, seeds) versus crappy food that just contributes the obesity epidemic, while not providing most of the benefits we are actually suppose to get from eating food.

We shall see how this all goes from here on out. At this point I just can't wait to make it to the halfway point. I need a mile stone like that to keep me going.

Day 2..and a Quarter

By far the hardest day yet, Day 2. Mind you, I have been dealing with some dramatic bullshit that doesn't help my temperament. But I was tired. And not happy. So slept through a beautiful day, and went to work. Working at the Cheesecake Factory is so much hard than Bob Evans. Our food there smells so good! All of the time! And it was everywhere. I made it through. Got all of my work done with no problems, and still made $75. Not bad for a Tuesday. I enjoy telling people about what I am doing. I like hearing their responses. Most are like "hmma, too bad. I'm hungry" or "that's not safe", but I quickly explain the benefits and the procedure. One coworker had actually seen part of the documentary I watched. He lost interest and stopped watching, but I think I convinced him to give it another try. It was an inspiration to me, so I was happy to inspire him to give it a second chance.  As far as my body, it is doing well. I have lost a total of 6 lbs ( 2.72 kg). I feel like I can see colors better, but that be because it has been super sunny the past couple of days. I do have to force myself to be active. Which is something I need to improve upon. My mind feels great. I have had any problems remembering things, and I still have perfect thought processes. I do get agitated easier, but that's great because usually as the slightest feeling of a hunger pain, I am a pain in the ass to deal with until I get food.

I am still optimistic about the next 8 days, but I hope they go fast.  I miss food.   

First Day Fasting

I woke up at 9am hangover free and happy as can be. The next step was picking up Jackie and hitting up the produce section of the local grocery store. We got tomatoes, spinach, celery, cucumbers, apples, oranges, pineapples, raspberries, and lemons. I felt like a flower child in the truest sense. Then it was time to juice! First glass went exceptionally well, the second quite the opposite, and the third was just plain hard to swallow.

Now, how am I feeling? I just made it through day 1. It has officially 19 hours since I had anything but fruit juice and water. All I can say is.. not bad. Not good. But not bad. It's been tough, but I've been through tougher. The hunger pain is not overwhelming, and is usually satiated by one of my juice concoctions. Work wasn't too difficult, and I haven't bitten anyone's head off in a hunger driven rage (that was what I was anticipating at least). The end of my day was by far the hardest. My lovely co-juicer bailed on our evening plans to hang out with her friends, a frustrating let down. My mother was making some fantastic foods in the kitchen, which was a miracle because she NEVER cooks anymore. And I was feeling tired, woozy, and weak. But I managed to choke down the last glass of juice, and let myself be driven home to bed and movie. Thank goodness for Dom, my unwavering support group for the day. I needed someone to listen to my griping, as well as keep positive, so that I could keep positive. He also drove me home, and was the perfect replacement for in sister's absence. He doesn't know it yet, but I am going to lock him in my room for the next 10 days that way he's right there whenever I need a cheer leader.

I will conclude with my outlook for the future. Tomorrow is going to kick my ass. But I am up for the challenge. I will eventually perfect my juice drinks to a point of tolerable tastiness. I will use my downtime to catch up on all of the me-time activities that I neglect so often. I have to finish paint by numbers, catch up on like three newspapers. And for heaven's sake clean my f-ing room already. I'm riding on this feeling of accomplishment. I made it one day, I can make it two days. And I will be happy I did in the end. At the very least, I will have a renewed appreciation for food!

Pre-10 Day Fast

It's day 0 of my commitment to fast for 10 days. This plan consists of eating nothing, and drinking only water and fruit/veggie juice I make myself with my new juicer! In addition to no food, there will be no alcohol, no nicotine,no mind-altering substances what-so-ever. I feel..unprepared, but that's just kind of how I do things. I close eyes and jump. I have done a little bit of research. From what I can gather I am going to hate the world and everyone in it for the first few days. My plan is to stay in my apartment or hang by the pool and try not to think about it. I will have my lovely sister enduring this with me, so there's my support group. I have also told everyone and planned a Day 0 party so as to ensure my success. And of course because this is an experiment (every new experience in life is) I will be blogging daily about my progress. Wish me luck!

I pose a question

I have so many. And so much to say, but for now I am just going to think about it. I have several questions swarming my brain right now, I just need to publish them somewhere:

Why do the people that work the hardest always get the shaft? Does it have something to with their character? because they never stop working hard.

Why are girls so quick to screw people over? especially the people closest to them? It's like they know they will be forgiven, so why worry about it?

Why do so many marriages end in divorce? If you're going to be like that, why get married at all? Selfishness.

What is my will to survive? It is innate, but sometimes I think about just throwing in the towel. I would quit school, sell all of my stuff, and go somewhere nice until I can't support myself anymore. the problem with that is, even after I have run out of money and food I will probably still try to survive, it will just be harder now. There must be something inside that I am fight for. What is it?

Hopefully after I have given it some thought I can come back to these questions with a good hypothesis because none of these questions have a full-proof answer.

A little something I've been meaning to Say

I don't really have anything I am burning to say with this post. But has been almost a month and I am determined to keep up my blog as a matter of principle. When I start something I like to finish it. When I say I am going to do something, I do it. So here is one I have been mulling over for awhile.

I just got out of a long relationship. The high school sweetheart kind. We were each others firsts for love and sex and all of the above. We were together for five(ish) years, with a year long breakup toward the end as well as random "breaks" throughout.When I was younger I would wonder to myself, "how did you find a perfect match on the first try?" You didn't.

The only perfect match is the person that you don't have to change yourself for to make happy. For me it ended up being a downward spiral of me trying to mask my true self in an attempt to make him happy, which in turn caused neither one of us to be happy because I ended up pissed off all of the time. I see this now, but at the time I couldn't figure what was wrong with me. I was never content. LB had a car, nice house (with his mom, but whatever..she was cool), he had a job, and he was going to school. He came up with the best gifts ever and he knew me all too well. But my antics didn't amuse him. I wanted to be Miss Independent, and he didn't want to let me out of his sight. It's like when you squeeze a puppy. They tolerate it for awhile, but squeeze to hard and you get nipped in the face while the puppy high-tails it out of there.

The fact that I am 21 and he only 23 might have something to do with that. Some women are happy knowing ASAP that they found someone to support them forever. That's not me, I support myself first. Then know I am making enough to support a child, then we'll worry about that man of my dreams.  We live too long to enjoy that old fashion married life. Imagine if I would have settled down with the man I met when I was 15? That's 70 years of commitment to 1 person! Is that possible?

I have been hearing a lot lately, "it's possible, anythings possible if you work at it". How do you begin to work at relationship that you are facing until death do you part? That is a tough one, and it probably is possible. But I guarantee you aren't working with the same relationship you entered into at the alter. I see the progression as this: courtship, lovers, exclusive couple, marriage, partnership, support group. I think it is somewhere during that partnership where the true meaning of being together isn't love anymore, it's financial support and child rearing, that people go wrong. They either "work at it" and make it through to the point where it is just the two of them again and they can fall in love for a second time or they grow to hate each other, resent each other, and it ends in a messy divorce with a custody battle to fuel that fire. This is what scares me about monogamy. I want to be absolutely sure that when I am 35 years old that the man I am with is someone I can fall in love with over and over again. That is what I am looking for. Because the fact of the matter is, the human race has evolved to survive in pairs, and it gets lonely without a mate. But at age 35 the mates are less abundant and a women's man hunting days are long gone, so you have to make the permanent one stay dedicated for the long haul.

Moral of my story is hold out until you are old enough to decide if the partner you find is the perfect match because that is the person that will keep coming back to you when life moves through its natural circle. Oh, and it's not cheating until you're married, that's what Mama always said (You gotta shop around). 

Re: Frustrated

I would like to follow up on my day as it concludes (that last post was so rushed). I would like to set the tone with this: its 2 AM, I am coming of 2 doubles at 2 jobs, and its not over til tomorrow at 4. I'm alone, and really don't want to be. I chose music, and writing over watching tv and passing out. 

I was thinking to myself, at about 10 PM, how do you fine a bad day? Me personal, I don't label a day a "bad day" until it's over. I'm always open to the opportunity of a change of heart from fate.  But 10 o'clock I had decided, "this was definitely a bad day". I called it just right because my day has finally come to an end...and it never improved. Although, I did win 1 game of pool. I don't want to bitch about my bad day though because who cares. It happens to the best of us. I would like to catalog some of the lessons that I can take from the say.

Numero uno: Do NOT keep your precious cell phone in your apron pocket

2. Do NOT drink beverages without lids

3. No one really likes to hear a complainer, even if you are participating in an existing conversation. Work sucks already, why make it worse by talking about how much it sucks? It might even make it suck less, if you learn to live by one of my favorite little 'ism's if you will: " If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" 

4. Think about your next move. Think think THINK! Shouldn't be hard right? It's common sense; we learn this stuff starting from birth. Every action has and equal and opposite reaction. So when you do something, big or small, you should have a pretty good idea of what the outcome will be. I mean, even if it's an educated guess, you made that decision for a reason, hopefully a good one. So why does a "pretty smart" girl like me fail at the basics like: remember your house key or eat before you drink? Keep you phone away from possible liquid damage; commonly found in restaurants. Unfortunately, I must have been on another planet when I was child because I failed to learn any common sense when it comes to mind daily interactions with life. It can be argued that the environment I grew up in had something to do with that, but that's arguing for the wrong side. You just need to think things alway through, do the end outcome.

5. You can't make everyone happy, so don't try. It just makes everyone (including you) unhappier. Do what makes you happy, and bring the ones along that want to do the same things. You really can't go wrong.

6. This last lesson isn't a lesson at all. It is a question to a lesson yet to learn. And unfortunately, I am unable to put it into words. It deals with the various realms of love, between family, friends, and lovers. The balance between them. And when they conflict, who is right and who is wrong? What is right and wrong, who decides? People in various categories love you in different ways. You have to use your judgement based on your perspective to make choices. It is natural to go to others for support or advice, but ultimately it's up to you how you use this feedback to handle tough situations.  It deals with trust as well. I trust everyone, and when truths contradict, I'm at a devastating loss. But if I can't trust people I love, what good are they?

It goes on from there, and I will not know the conclusion until tomorrow.  But I do hope tomorrow is a good day. I look forward to its start...in 6 hours. And hopefully I can figure out how to make today make a lasting impression based on what I've 'learned'.

Frustrated.

Didn't really want my first blog post in over a week to be another vent session, but it's better than running my car off a bridge. I am Emily Ann Lanzillotta. I'm smart, not brilliant, but there's a good head on those shoulders. So can someone please tell me why I so absent minded. I would like to add up the costs of my shenanigans, say what it is on a yearly basis. I would estimate about $1000, not kidding. I am even on ADD meds..nothing. Can someone please help me? Is there a cure? Anything?? What can I do to stop being silly, and lost, and stop making poor choice that cause pain/cost me money. I am completely open to ideas. Just help me before I am the source of my own demise!

Just give me a minute..

I would just like to get this little..negative..blah, whatever it is, I want to get something off of my chest. And because I know no one reads my blog (just yet at least, it's going to be BIG), it seems like the perfect place to let off some steam. This is going to be one of those cliche rants where I talk about "my friend". He shall remain nameless, but for the sake of reference we'll call him  lion man. this "lion man" is my roommate. We have been friends since high school, and has always been one of my best...until we started living together.

When my first roommate left, I was devastated. He was the best little buddy roommate in the world. Not the cleanest, but if I told him to complete a chore he would. And he always took care of me, and was always here when I needed someone to hangout with. I have JUST made a connection..Steve was like my puppy. Aw, he would probably hate me if he read this, but it makes me miss him so much more!

To replace my Steve, I was lucky to have lion man. He's not like other guys, a little more...feminine if you know what I mean. He's clean, which is nice. And he has two jobs so I thought I would get more time to myself. The new roommate seemed like it was a match made in heaven. WRONG!

He drives me nuts! Not really his habits, but his attitude. He bitches about working two jobs, he has mood swings. He wears my stuff, and leaves the toilette seat up. He is depressing and we fight all of the time. He is stingy with his stuff, especially his MJ, but not with mine. He never hangs out with me. When we are at home together, he prefers the tv off. That would be fine if we were hanging out and talking, but nope. We just sit on our separate computers. It sucks. And now that I see him more, I don't think he is the gentle, harmless, good-natured guy that I thought I knew. He talks about girls like they're pieces of meat. He just wants to get laid. All he can get are the heavier chicks. But he is shitty to them. Now he wants to fuck an 18 year old virgin that we work with. You are an idiot lion man.. Maybe this is just how is at home. He was probably no different when he lived in his last place. Right? Either way. I may have guy friends and live with my guy friends, but I am not a dude and do not want to be treated like one. I am a lady and I should be treated like one. always. My roommate is the worst part of a teenage girl and a dirty old man.

My Tattoo

Somehow, and I am still wondering where this came from, I got completely hung up on perfecting my tattoo idea. I finally have a small amount of disposable income to invest. I might as well get it now before I want to go swimming, and while I am still working on that bikini bod ( I say that every year, but unfortunately what you see now is what you get). I know what I want, I know where I want it. I know I want it to be shaded, with white being the only color. But I'm not sure exactly how I want it drawn or how big it should be.

There are so many styles to choose from! I am going to pick out 3 good ones and take the images to a tattoo artist tomorrow and see what they can do for me. I'm super excited!! I haven't gotten a tat since my first one when I was 17. It was my birthday present. I had to pay for it, but momma reluctantly signed the papers. I got a trail of stars, tramp stamp. The location was strategically placed with my future as a career woman in mind, but the stars are a bit cliche. I love stars, still love stars, but they don't have any special significance.

This design for my new tattoo has to be perfect. It is in loving memory of my grandmother. Grandma Jean died of pancreatic cancer when I was 16. She was a smoker for 40 years, but she made it to her 70's so she had a good run. My mother always tells me I am just like her. I was too young to know her as an adult knows another adult, but as a grandmother she was a pretty cool lady. And we did have a lot in common. She loved old books, old stuff, the English, and history. Maybe that is how i developed a passion for these things. She would watch me and my siblings once a week, and when I came home from school I would watch The Antique Roadshow with her. We went to garage sales a lot, and flee markets. She always had pretty little things, trinkets that were just nice to admire. And when she found something that reminded her of me or my sister she would buy it for us.  We have the same bull-headed attitude too. If she thought she was being mistreated or deserved better attention, she was all over it. Hollering up a storm until the offending party had to give in. That is a personal favorite characteristic of myself, inherited from her. I learned after she died that we even had some recreational habits in common ( she smoked mary jane, AND with my mother!). Luckily the high-anxiety trait skipped me and landed with my sister. Grandma Jean and Jackie knew/know how turn a small doubt into a full blown alarm, to the point where everyone in the vicinity wants to take cover.

When we lived in our old house,a quaint family of 4 at the time, Grandma Jean shared with us a new discovery of hers. She planted seeds that would one day grow into a beautiful, lushes plant with huge white blossoms. She called it a Moonflower, but the scientific name is Datura. The flower only blooms at night (evening really, around 6 o'clock), and it smells like heaven. Since they are so big their scent is easily detected as soon as the flower blossoms. To add to this plant's wonder, it is a poison from the "witches" weed family that also includes deadly nightshade. There is a history of the Datura plant being used as a hallucinogen and toxin because ingesting it can cause delusions and death. Beautiful and dangerous, this plant was created to end up tattooed to my body. History and fun facts aside, my grandma is responsible for introducing me to this lovely plant that no one I know has ever heard of. Passing out these seeds became part of her calling-card. When we moved to our new house we brought seeds, but grandma was getting sick, and my mother can't even plant a weed, so we didn't have any moonflowers for the longest time. Until one day, out of nowhere, a plant sprouts up right next to our house; behind a bush, where no plant had any business trying to grow. And this same plant comes back every year. Random? I think not.

To conclude this overly long explanation of how I plan to permanently modify my one and only body..Some may not approve, but it is my way of paying homage to the women that carved a piece of herself into me, and made me the person I am today.

little isms

Whenever you get a grin on your face, your brain is releasing serotonin, the happy hormone. Smiling is the natural way to force yourself to be happy. Many people even smile for five minutes straight in the morning to get themselves in a great mood for the day. It is a very powerful tool that is utilized less and less as we grow older and need happiness more than ever. Just remember that while happiness leads to smiles, smiles also lead to happiness. Anyone who has ever gone anywhere will tell you that traveling is one of the most exciting and life-changing activities that you can do. Observing a different culture will expand your mind while making you further appreciate the life you already live. This goes back to becoming an explorer: this world is your jungle so go explore! Who knows, maybe you’ll find a place you love so much that you decide to move. Imagine the positive repercussions a new environment could have on your life.Learn to be unaffected by the words of others. Most people get very upset when they are called negative names by others, but there is a simple trick to overcoming this. Here it is: If I went up to you and called you a fire hydrant, would you be upset? Of course not. Obviously you are not a fire hydrant, you are a human being. The same concept applies to when someone calls you something that you know you are not. They are foolish for saying such things, so why would you react with such anger? The only exception is when someone calls you something that is true! In this case, you should thank them for alerting you to a weakness, one that you can now work on changing.Don’t burn bridges. By that I mean maintain your relationships with people even if you think you are never going to see them again. For example, if you are quitting your job, don’t chew out your boss before leaving! You might run into him/her again later and life and wish you had never severed ties so harshly. You never know when you might need the help of someone you knew in the past. Plus there is already too much hatred in this world, why add more towards the people you interact with?Love is all there is. If you truly want to be a master of life, let love be in your every action. Love your friends, family and enemies alike. This is the most difficult thing to do out of this entire list, which is why it is listed at #50. But if you accomplish this, you will be seen as a leader among everyone that allows hate, envy, disgust and all other negative emotions into their lives. Think Gandhi. Love is so rare in this world when compared to the massive presence of hate that by exuding love, you will immediately see yourself and the people around you change. Love. Love. Love.Just found these little tidbits on stumble, my new bad habit. I picked out these articles because I share the sentiment, and I wanted to remember them for later. Smiling is my favorite subject. It's followed me since childhood. One of those "Momma always said...". She always told me that you decide whether you are going to have a good time, no one else can determine that for you; it is what you make it. A good way to change a bad attitude to a good one is to smile. Simple, painless, and mood-altering, even if it's forced. I personally need to learn not to let the opinions of others bother me so much. In most cases, I practice that principle, but this weekend at work I had a relapse. Luckily I had a good friend on hand to remind me that it doesn't matter what they think, it matters what you think, so start there. I truly believe that you should be kind to all people because you never know what's going to happen next, and craziest, impossible thing that you never imagined could happen in a million years will involve that 1 person that you were unkind to, and they don't forget. You don't have to like everyone, there will always be people you simply don't like. But if you are nice and treat them with respect, the dislike because more tolerable and perhaps obsolete. Love. Love it. Couldn't live without it. Always going to share it. Enough said. 

Usually because I can't commit. Always waiting for the next big wave. I will learn someday..I always do.

Invincible. I need the hit that point here soon. I'm pretty destructive. And I've noticed that I'm fun, people like to hang out with me. But it stops there.

Realize that the world doesn't revolve around you. Its not just about making yourself happy anymore. You start to realize you and your only body are not

Can hospitals call immigration? That would be such a shame. I think Darwin has learned a valuable lesson. Being 22, he has just reached the time when you..

My friend Darwin is still in the hospital today. I thought he would be out by now, but maybe there is something really wrong with him.

And the messages will come in short bursts of 160 characters. Seems pointless. No more pointless than the silly things I post on the internet..

Blogging from my phone, don't know how I feel about that. But work is incredibly boring and they won't let me leave. This at least somewhat productive right?

Abortion, had to go there

I couldn't resist making at statement after I read an article in the paper today. It was titled "Texas Legislation Adds Conditions on Abortion". Conditions? They are requiring that women seeking an abortion (under normal conditions) must have a sonogram to learn a description of the fetus they are carrying. They act like the decision to have an abortion comes at the snap of a finger. No women going through that experience is not affected by the gravity of the situation. They don't need to know that the baby inside them has fingers and toes to be affected by it. I return again to the fact that we are animals. We have certain functions built into our bodies that promote survival and reproduction. When a women finds out she is pregnant her brain is already calculating what it is going to take to keep this baby safe. Some women know that there is no way this can happen under their current situations. I'm talking about the poor women who can't afford a child. Or the women who don't have a supportive family for a child to be born into.  We need to think I a little bit more about the lifestyle an unwanted child will lead. There is evidence to support the claim that in areas where abortion is illegal, crime and poverty rates go up. There is no miracle in life when that life is shelter-less, hungry, and abused. So how about we leave the baby birthing decisions to the women responsible for taking care of it. Or, here's a radical idea: issue a license to granting women the privilege of having children.